, are you okay?” We’re sitting on the couch, watching TV, and Hadley has been quiet all day today.
“Yeah,” she sighs. “Just thinking.”
“About what?” I ask, lifting her hand as I twist her engagement ring left and right on her finger. I wonder when we’ll get married. Will it take us ten years to take that step like it did for us to reach this one?
Her voice is soft when she says, “Are you going to stay, Luca?” I rest my gaze on her as she continues, “I keep waiting for the shoe to drop and you to change your mind again. You haven’t said one way or the other. I’m tired of being scared that you will, so I want an honest answer. What are you thinking? I mean, you haven’t seemed particularly interested in the baby. You don’t ever say what you’re thinking or feeling or what your opinion is. You’ve been unreadable and I don’t like it. I mean, I couldn’t tell if you were happy or second guessing this the other day when you felt her move. You still don’t want her, do you?” Tears threaten to fall over by the time she finishes.
“I’m staying,” I reassure her. “This still scares the hell out of me and I don’t like it. I’m not used to it and I don’t know what to do with it. But I’m not leaving, promise.”
Hadley doesn’t look satisfied. “You didn’t answer me, Luca.”
“I want our daughter.” And I do. It’s just overshadowed by my hesitation and fear, a fear I don’t know how to overcome. But I love Hadley and I’m willing to figure it out for her and our baby.
“Then stop hiding your feelings. You never have before. Don’t start now.”
I’m not so sure she wants me to be completely honest, but something is better than nothing, I guess. I nod my head in agreement.
We’re quiet for a while before Hadley speaks up again, her hand moving to a particular spot on her belly. “She’s moving. Do you want to feel?”
My face is blank as I glance between her hand and her face. “You want the truth?” She nods. “It kind of freaks me out. It’s cool, but it’s weird.”
She looks down at her stomach. When she lifts her eyes to mine again, I can tell she’s disappointed.
Maybe if I explain why, she’ll understand? “There’s a human moving inside of you. How is that not weird even if it is natural and normal? Plus, it reminds me of the instructor from the classes talking about how they squirm. She’s too squirmy already.” When that woman said that, all I could think was great, now I have to worry even more about dropping her or her falling out of my arms somehow.
“Luca, you’re aren’t going to drop our daughter. One, you have massive arms. Two, you’re too protective to let that happen. Please don’t worry about that.”
“I’ll work on it.” I pause. “Are you upset that I don’t want to feel her move?”
“I know you better than anyone. It doesn't upset me. I’m just glad you're here with me. That’s what I want the most.”
“Me too.” I kiss her softly, feeling mostly good about our future.
~ ~ ~
I came to the rink to skate and get a jumpstart on getting my legs ready for the preseason preparations. A few of the other guys are here as well. It’s pretty casual, which is good because Andre is here with his five year old twins. I’ve been watching them and I’m very relieved that Hadley is pregnant with only one baby. They are full of energy. The little boy seems to have a better balance than the girl as they hold hands and slowly skate around, Andre a few strides behind them.
My purpose for coming here today has become useless because I’m more occupied with studying the two kids and Andre. He gives them words of encouragement, especially the girl since she’s struggling more. I watch with uncertainty as the boy skates faster. I don’t think she’ll be able to keep up.
Just as Andre tells his son to slow down, the little girl stumbles and falls, causing me to cringe. Luckily, I don’t see any blood, but the girl is crying her eyes out. Calm as ever, Andre helps her stand back up. He glances over her and wipes away her tears. “You’re okay. What hurts?”
She sniffles and holds up her hands. Andre places a kiss on each of her palms and adds, “There. All better. Ready to keep skating?”
She answers with a yes and she and her brother start skating again.
I don’t know how he stayed calm. I don’t know why he isn’t skating closer to them in case she falls again. He doesn’t seemed too worried about it. And all he did was kiss her hands and she was all better. I’d be worried there was some unseen injury. Hell, I would probably wrap her in bubble wrap.
Andre’s a good dad. I’ve seen him with his kids before, though I didn’t pay much attention. How am I ever going to be like that? I’m not sure it’s possible. My part in my sister’s death haunts me too much to relax long enough. I don’t want to mess up. I don’t want to hover over my daughter every single second to make sure nothing happens to her.
How am I going to be a good dad? Me, the guy who never ever wanted kids to start with. Me, who has only mastered changing a diaper on a fake baby. Me, who freaks out by the mere thought of having a child, much less caring for and raising one. Me, who left my soulmate the moment she told me she was pregnant.
If I had any ounce of confidence in my ability to do this before, I don’t have any now. But I can’t leave Hadley. I told her I wouldn’t. She wants and needs me here, but what for? I can support her, sure. But I think any faith she has in me to be a good parent is unfounded. I’m sure there’s a difference in being a good boyfriend for ten years and being a good parent.
My stomach rolls. With me as a parent, our baby is doomed.
~ ~ ~
Valeria and I are sitting on a bench by the frozen pond. She’s not quite tall enough for her feet to touch the ground, so she’s swinging her legs back and forth.