Let's Be Crazy (Oh Captain, My Captain 4)

The adults and I all sit around the kitchen table and enjoy conversation between each other. Although, Tiff still isn’t talking to me, and I’m not sure about my relationship with Brooke anymore. I’ve dropped Sadie off at her house several times since the incident with Reed, but I’ve not stayed. I feel like I’m making everyone miserable and unhappy because I’m feeling that way.

I announce that it’s time for cake, and everyone gathers around and sings to Sadie. She’s loving the attention and very proudly blows out her candles. Of course, she wants to open her gifts first and loves every one of them.

I slice the cake, handing a piece to everyone, but I feel off. There’s not enough air in the room, and I need to step outside. I don’t even put on a coat. I take deep breaths, and I can see the puffs of air leaving me. My shaking finally subsides, and I close my eyes.

I miss Ashton.

He’s the only piece of this crazy puzzle that makes me whole again. I want to be at his house again. I want him to kidnap me. I want to feel him.

“Lexie.” I turn, seeing Mr. Allen come out on the back porch to me. He hands me my coat. “You do realize that it’s sixty degrees out here.”

I smile, slipping it on.

“You know, Sadie is growing into a beautiful little girl.”

“She gets her good looks from Mrs. Allen.”

“That is one thing I can’t argue with.” He chuckles. “But, she’s you. Through and through.”

I shake my head. “She’s Tony. She has his brave and wonderful personality. That’s not me.”

“Oh, Lexie. I’ve known you since you were fourteen. That’s your mini-me.”

I laugh. “Well, thank you.”

“You know, Tiff was telling us that you met someone.”

I nod. I’m not surprised that she told them. “I did, but not anymore.”

“Why?”

“I’m an idiot,” I tell him truthfully.

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true. I walked away from him because of Sadie.”

“Was he mean to you or Sadie?”

I shake my head. “No, he’s wonderful.”

“Then explain it to me.”

I take a deep breath. “I need to keep my focus on Sadie. I don’t want her to think that someone is taking Tony’s place. I don’t want her to forget that Tony’s her dad. On top of that, I felt guilty. I mean, when I was at the gravesite, looking at his headstone, I just remembered everything about our time together, and,” I can’t finish my thought, and tears begin to fall.

“You felt like you were cheating?”

I nod.

“Lexie, I think of you as my own daughter. You and Sadie mean as much to me as Tiff and Tony, but you can’t let your life pass you by. I know my son wouldn’t want that.” I keep hearing that same sentence over and over again. “You know, my wife and I are about to celebrate thirty-two years together, and if I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t want her to be sitting at home doing nothing. I want her out, living life.”

I hang my head.

“You’re so young, Lexie. Sadie isn’t going to forget that Tony is her dad. She’s still young, and as she gets older, it will all make more sense to her. But you can’t sit here being miserable. Where did that fiery redhead that loved life go?”

“I think she died with Tony.” I sniffle.

“Liar. She’s still there. You need her back and need to fight for what you want. Stop walking away from everyone. Stop keeping yourself at a distance. Be the Alexis Allen that we all fell in love with.” He wraps me in a hug as the tears fall again.