Finding Carson Lee (Oh Captain, My Captain 3)

“What do you mean?” I can’t figure out what is so funny.

“Nothing.” He drops the subject, and we sit there for a second in silence. “Are you avoiding the marriage and kids because you know your mom is going to want you to stay home or because you don’t want that at all?”

Carson’s question makes me stop. It hits close to home, and I don’t want to say the words out loud that are running through my head.

“If I tell you the truth, you’ll laugh, so I’m not going to tell you.”

“Maybe I will laugh.” He shrugs. “But it won’t be in a mean sort of way, sweetheart. Promise.”

I roll my eyes at him. “Fine. I don’t like to fail, and I’m scared that if I get into another serious relationship, it will end with me feeling like I let everyone down again. That’s why I haven’t got into another relationship.” I feel like a whole br

ick load of stress leaves my chest with those words.

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think you failed the first time.”

“Ha, well you didn’t see the disappointment from my family and friends. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” I feel my tears coming back.

“It was the right thing for you, though, right? That’s the most important part.”

I nod at his question. “It was the right thing. I wish other people would understand that. I don’t know how to get them to understand it.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t worry about it so much. If you haven’t done it so far, then they won’t understand if you keep trying. Maybe, you should think more about yourself and what you want.” Carson leans in closer to me.

My mouth goes dry from his words and how near he is to me. I have to leave before I do something. Not that I would regret it, but I can’t do it now. “I’m not sure what I want at this moment, but I’m getting tired, Carson Lee. Thank you for the talk, but I think I need to leave.” I turn away from him and go back to my room.

Chapter Twenty

Carson

The conversation from the day of the dinner has been running through my mind for days. Kinley seemed more human afterwards and I felt so bad for her. She bounced back pretty well though. Or, it appears as if she has. I can’t believe some of what happened, especially Kinley trying to tell me that she could see me with kids. There’s still a part of me that thinks she had to be drunk or high. I’m ready for this trip to be over, if only so I can get away from talk like that. Between her and her dad, I’ve had enough of listening to the shit they think they know.

I’ve put that on the back burner, though. We’re breaking for lunch and I’ve convinced Cassie and Kinley to come with me for ice cream. I saw a commercial for some last night and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. Holding the door open, the girls walk in first. Their chatting falls away as we study the menu.

“Mmm,” Kinley hums. “I want that double chocolate cherry one.”

“Cherry, eeww.” Cassie shakes her head in disgust.

I smile. “I’m with Kinley on this one. Cherries are always a good choice.”

Kinley rolls her eyes. “I’m sure you’ve said that to more than one girl in your life.”

“You’re probably right. Anything dessert related is pretty much good in my book. Although, I don’t understand pistachio ice cream.” There’s a pause as we order and then move to a table. I look at Kinley, assessing her. “You can’t tell me you’ve never thought about the bonus features that comes with desserts.”

“Bonus features?” Kinley manages to sound like she doesn’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about.

I lean in closer and lower my voice. “Hot chocolate drizzled over your skin only to be licked off, whipped cream, melting ice cream, the works.”

“That reminds me of spring break junior year. You remember, right, Kinley?” Cassie asks. “You were on the bar, body shots, chocolate syrup. And then all the blow job shots.”

Kinley groans. “Shut up and stop giving Carson more fuel for the fire.”

“Oh, I think I need to hear more about this.” I grin before turning to her friend. “How come all the crazy college stories revolve around Kinley? Surely, you took part, Cassie.”

“Nope,” she tells me. “Sorry, I’m not a big drinker, so I volunteered to be the DD of the group. However,” she smiles, “I have a lot of stories on Kinley.”

“I bet you do. I won’t ask, though, so Kinley won’t have a fit.”

Kinley looks relieved. “Yes, let’s keep this a little bit PG-13, at least.”