Finding Carson Lee (Oh Captain, My Captain 3)

Different than usual.

The things she and her father have been saying to me lately refresh in my head. They both think that I can be better than who I am. They believe that there is a woman out there who is going to be so over-the-moon amazing and overlooks the fa?ade I wear. Somewhere along the way, I’m supposed to change the way I see things and become the man who is worthy of such a woman.

The real, most important question that’s been weighing on me is if they are right, would I want that for myself? I told Kinley I didn’t. If I do, even a small part of me, then maybe I should get my shit together before that happens. Just in case.

When this is all over, I’ll be going back to a large, empty house on a big piece of land. There aren’t any photos of loved ones or even friends in my house. Hell, there aren’t any pictures at all. Instead, I have trophies and expensive shit that no one really cares about. I’m thirty years old and all of my accomplishments reside in a career and the material things I own. I’ve been stuck in my ways for such a long time, I may have permanently sealed myself there with no escape route available.

Should I open myself up to any possible opportunities or keep things the same and live in a house that has a revolving door for one night stands? The question has me wanting to run for the hills and never look back. For some reason, though, my fingers are pressing the off button, my hands grabbing a towel to wipe away the sweat on my face, and my body turning towards Stella.

“I’m done for today. See ya later,” my mouth moves all on its own.

There’s a line for the elevator, so I find the stairs and sprint up them, two at a time until I reach my floor. Thank God, I’m fit or that would have nearly killed me. I jog down the hall, stopping once I find the door I want, knocking on the door in short, rapid knocks until it swings open.

Her mouth opens, but I speak first. “As you can see, I’ve just come from the gym,” I breathe. “From working out with the model, Stella. She’s not sleeping with me, sweetheart. She doesn’t sleep with guys. At all.”

“You’re still a jerk, Carson Lee, whether she’s gay or not. You were leading me on in there, being all nice and shit.” She folds her arms over her chest defensively. This isn’t the start I was hoping for, but I should have expected some sort of fight from her.

“I’ve always been a jerk, Kinley! And I wasn’t leading you on because you can’t be led on. You don’t do anything unless you want to do it,” I level at her.

A bit of the tension falls away as her voice reflects her calmness. “I wanted to kiss you. Is that what you want to hear?”

“No, I want to hear that you wanted me to kiss you back. Just because you want to kiss me, doesn’t mean you want me kissing you.” I’m the lowest of the low to her, so I know that while she may want to kiss me, in a way, she doesn’t either.

“Oh my God,” she huffs. “Are that fucking blind you can’t see I like you?” She likes me? “Yes, I wanted to kiss you. And yes, I wanted you to kiss me back. You’ve been hit too many times on the ice.”

“Seriously, Kinley? You’re the queen of mixed signals. I never know what the hell you’re thinking.” And I don’t. Sometimes, things are good, and sometimes, we’re arguing just because.

“Well, should I just fall on the bed right now and spread my legs? Because it seems you’re more accustomed to that.”

There is not an ounce in me that wants Kinley to be an easy lay. That’s the only thing I am sure of. Defeated in our bickering, I say, “No, you shouldn’t, sweetheart.” I shake my head, running my open palm over my face as I sigh. “Forget it. I don’t know why I came over here anyway.” Quickly, I turn around and go into my own room before she can say anything further.

I start a hot shower, undress, and step under the water. Maybe she and her father should be admitted to the madhouse because if someone like Kinley can’t see what I’m putting right in front of her, my semi-honesty, the genuine tone in my voice, then there’s no way any other woman will. Maybe they’re wrong, and I’m not cut out to be the person they think I am. I should probably quit while I’m ahead.

There’s one big problem, though.

I don’t quit.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Kinley

I wake up with the worst headache of my life. I feel like shit, and it’s not because I was up half the night crying or thinking, but because of the way I treated Carson.

Why did I tell him that I liked him?

Why did I say the things I did?

Being an adult sucks!

I finally push myself out of the bed and into the shower. This is going to be a long day from hell.

~

“Well, you look like death,” Cassie greets me when I reach the park.

“Thanks. I feel that way too. Let’s get this over as quickly as possible.”

“It shouldn’t take too long.”