Finding Carson Lee (Oh Captain, My Captain 3)

I hang up the phone, looking at Cassie. “I have to go to Carson.”

And I run.

Chapter Forty

Carson

My heart is already in shreds. It’s slamming around, beating erratically, and hoping like hell that Darcie is wrong somehow. She called me, sniffing as she tried to hold in her tears and said that Gracie was asking for me. Gracie hasn’t been doing well lately, but today is worse than all the other days. All I can think is, Not my sweet Gracie.

I know Kinley is on her way, but I don’t think I can wait for her. The elevator takes an extremely long time to make its way to her floor. Darcie is laying in the bed with Gracie, who is wearing her Blacksmiths head scarf and the jersey I gave her. The sight of them both nearly brings me to tears.

“Gracie, baby, look who’s here,” Darcie says as I make my way to the other side of the bed.

Gracie peers at me through her barely opened eyes. Her lips lift in smile underneath her oxygen mask. I lean down to kiss her forehead. “Hey, Gracie. How’s my girlfriend doing?” The words feel forced, but she doesn’t notice.

“Don’t feel good,” she whispers.

“You don’t?” I take her hand, noticing that she doesn’t grip it back like usual. The beeping on the monitor is faint and slow, but it’s still steady. “Can I watch cartoons with you and your mommy? Will that make you feel better?”

She nods and I scoot in on the other side of her. There’s not much room and I’m half on the bed, one leg having to help prop me up, but I don’t care. Gracie holds my hand and rests her head on my arm. I glance at Darcie, the tears falling down her face. Just then, Kinley peeks into the room, looking as distraught as I feel.

“Can I come in?” she asks.

“Of course,” Darcie answers.

“Gracie, look. Kinley came to see you too,” I tell her. She lifts her head to smile at Kinley, who stands on the other side of me. “We’re watching cartoons,” I say, looking at Kinley. “Grab that chair and move it over here, so you can sit down.” Kinley nods and does that as Gracie rests against me again. I want to talk to her, but I don’t know what to say to her. We do have one thing in common though. “Are you and Tommy going to watch the second game of the season when I play Brody? I’ll make sure I score for you, okay?”

She lifts her head to smile at me, nodding once. “Thanks.” Her voice is small and raspy, not like the bright little girl voice I’m used to. She seems to find some strength as she slowly keeps talking. “Do you love me, Carson? Mommy says you’re supposed to tell people you love that you love them, so they will know and never forget it. I love you, Carson. Now, you know and you’ll always remember.” Gracie smiles like she’s accomplished something and she has. She’s never said she’s loved me before.

To have more time to compose myself, I kiss her forehead. “I do love you too, Gracie. So, so much. You’re the best, most awesome, most beautiful girlfriend too.”

“You’re beautiful too, Carson.” She keeps holding my hand but leans into the comfort of her mother. “I love you, Mommy.”

“I love you too, Gracie,” she whispers.

“I love you too, Kinley,” Gracie adds without looking at her.

“I love you too, Gracie,” Kinley replies with a shaky voice. I reach over and take her hand. She grips it tightly as we fall back into silence to watch cartoons. Hours pass without any more words spoken. The nurses come and check on Gracie, her mother kisses the top of her head every few seconds, and I hold onto her hand.

The faint heartbeats slow to a stop. Darcie sobs as doctors come in, turn off the machine, and usher Kinley and me out of the room to give her time with her daughter. I kiss her forehead and then Darcie’s before finally leaving. The sweetest soul I’ve ever met is gone. I turn to face Kinley, pull her into a hug, and cry.

Her shoulders shake and I know mine are too. My fingers dig into her skin with the utter loss I feel. The tears pool in my eyes, falling over rapidly, especially at hearing the cries of Darcie from inside the room. Standing upright as I release Kinley, she reaches up to wipe away my tears before doing the same to her own.

“Darcie.” That’s all I can manage to say, but Kinley nods in understanding. I go back, wanting to comfort her as much as I can. She’s rocking in the bed, holding Gracie’s little body in her lap. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what to do. Slowly, I walk over and place a hand on Darcie’s shoulder.

“Carson, pinch me and wake me up,” she mumbles. “My baby is strong. She can’t be gone yet.”

“She’s not. Gracie is strong. The strongest person I know. And now, she’s laughing, playing, and watching Looney Tunes, and she doesn’t feel bad anymore,” I whisper, hoping like hell that it’s the truth.

“I can’t leave her yet. I can’t leave my baby.”

“Okay. You don’t have to leave her.”

I’m not sure how long I stand there with her or who comes to make us leave. I’m not sure how I walk out into the hallway. I remember Darcie thanking me for all I did for Gracie and for helping them. I tell her to stay in touch, that I will see her soon, and if she ever needs anything to call me. Somehow, I’m able to leave the hospital and make it all the way home.

My heart’s numb through it all. It’s numb, achy, destroyed, and hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt before. Everything blurs as we change, crawling into bed for the night.

“Carson?” I shift my head to glance at Kinley. She’s seemingly far away on the other side of the bed because she just laid her phone on the nightstand. The rim of her eyes are red and puffy.