Finding Carson Lee (Oh Captain, My Captain 3)

She nods. She let’s go of him and hugs me, thanking me for all I’ve done. I feel like shit because I haven’t done anything.

Carson makes sure she’s in the car and on her way before taking my hand and walking me back to his car. I don’t say anything on the drive back to his house. The music softly plays in the car. I watch the passing buildings and houses, thinking about how much my life has changed.

I would have never left the biggest opportunity of my career for anyone but my parents, and here I am. I look over at Carson, and I can see the pain all over his face. I want to wrap him up in my arms and take it all away. That’s what you do for the ones you love. You want to save them, be there for them, and make everyday of their lives the best that you can make it.

When we pull into the driveway, Carson opens my door, and we go into the house. He still isn’t talking as he stalks past me and into his office. I go up to the bedroom, slip off my shoes and dress, wash off my makeup, and put on my pajamas. I know neither of us has eaten, so I go to the kitchen and make a couple of sandwiches.

When I walk into his office, he’s behind his desk. His head in his hands and a bottle of whiskey is in front of him. I set the plate right next to the alcohol with a bottle of water.

“I thought you might be hungry.” I turn to leave, but he stops me.

“How can a four year old little angel change my whole world?”

“Because she’s meant to.”

He looks up, and his eyes are puffy and red. “I’ve lost people in my life, and I didn’t even cry for some of them, but I feel like I can’t breathe right now.” The tears streaming down his cheeks cause mine to follow.

I walk over to him and hug his neck. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’ll get better. You’re strong, and you’re stronger right now because of Gracie.”

He digs his nails into my skin, and I don’t care one bit. “I live in this big house and have stupid shit fucking all around me, but at end of the day, what does it mean? It means I still couldn’t save her.”

I pull back. “Carson Lee, you gave that little girl something money could never buy. You gave your time, love, and affection. That meant more to her than any shirt or possession.”

He lays his forehead on mine. “Please stay with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Did you lose your job?”

Carson hadn’t asked me that, and the truth is, I don’t know. My boss was beyond pissed at me for leaving everyone at Fashion Week, and I don’t care. He told me to call him in a few days, and I’ll know then.

“There will always be another job, Carson. Right now, all I care about is you eating that sandwich, taking a hot bath, and going to bed. You need rest. You haven’t slept well, and the season is about to begin.”

He nods, kisses me fully on the lips, and takes a bite of his food.

Chapter Forty-Two

Carson

Standing on the ice while the national anthem is being sung, my heart is still heavy but determined too. I glance around the arena, knowing that Gracie would have loved the energy and everything about this place. Swallowing hard, I focus on what I do best, one of the things Gracie loved to watch me do.

Kinley has been my saving grace through it all. I don’t think I would have made it without her. Thankfully, after a full explanation to her boss, he let her keep her job. She dropped everything for me, and I’m going to spend a very long time showing her how grateful I am. Kinley knows I love her, but one day, when we’re both ready, I’m going to give her everything she wants and more. And then, she’ll have to bake me that homemade apple pie she’s always talking about.

Yesterday, she went with me to the tattoo parlor to get Gracie’s last day tattooed beneath her name. She covered it up with gauze today before the game since it still needs time to heal. I think we both will need a lot of time to heal as well, but it won’t be nearly as hard with Kinley here with me.

If it wasn’t for everything that’s happened since I met Kinley, then I would still be alone, an ass, and so much worse off. Well, the being an ass part hasn’t really changed, but that’s only because Kinley can handle it and it does make her laugh sometimes.

There’s an opening and the puck is passed to me. Before I shoot and score, I whisper, “This one’s for you, Gracie.”

I score one more time throughout the game and we end up winning 2-0. After I change, I walk out to my car where Kinley is leaning against it.

“You do know that your ass is sitting on a very expensive car, right? It was just washed too.”

“Really? Well, they did a shitty job.”

“Maybe next time, you should do it then.”

“No way in hell am I ever washing your car. However, I would like a refund on my ticket for tonight. See I came to see the great Carson Lee, and he only scored two goals. I thought I’d at least see a hat trick for an opening season game.”