“Are you on your way?” she asks.
“Yeah, I’ll see you in a few.” I end the call and hit the steering wheel. This is not fair at all. I never wanted Darla to have to know any pain like this at such a young age, but we have no choice. I start the car and slowly start driving away from the hospital. I glance back in my mirror and stare at the place where Brendan’s life abruptly ended. I know for years I though
t he was the biggest piece of shit on the earth for not being around his daughter, but recently he turned everything around and there’s no doubt he truly loved her. I just hope when she gets older she’ll remember this short-lived love and carry it with her.
As I pull into my parent’s driveway, the tears begin to form again. Reality is a bitch and it’s creeping up on me. I’m not ready to do this. I make myself get out of the car and I notice my dad is standing in the doorway. I sigh as I walk closer to him and he gently wraps his arms around me.
“I’m so sorry, Paige,” he tells me.
There’s no words for me. It’s bad enough I’m struggling with finding the right way to tell my four year old daughter. “It’s not fair, Dad,” I manage to whisper.
“I know it isn’t,” he says as he kisses the top of my head. “Your mom and Darla are in the living room.”
I don’t want to go in there. I want to just go get in my car, go back to work and have a do-over of this day. In my do-over, Brendan won’t have died and everything will be peachy fucking keen. I take in a deep breath and try to control my tears, but the moment I look at Darla, I can’t hold them in. The tears trickle slowly down my cheek as I go and sit beside her. Mom is on the other side of her with eyes as red and puffy as mine.
“Hey baby girl, Mommy needs to talk to you about something very important,” I slowly tell her.
Darla’s eyes are portraying such innocence right now I hate to even think about taking that away. “What, Mommy?”
“Your daddy had a sick heart,” I begin. “The doctors tried to fix it for him but they couldn’t and he, uh, he went to live in heaven today.”
Darla looks at me a little confused. “He went away? Why?”
“Because of his heart, baby. He was sick but he’s not sick anymore.”
“Can I see him again?” Oh, my heart continues to break. This is not going to end well.
“No baby, he’s not here anymore.”
“But I love my daddy.” She begins to whimper. I don’t even have to look at my mom to know she’s crying again. I can hear her sobs and the tears in my eyes thicken.
“I k-know, and he loved you too,” I stammer out.
Darla begins to cry and between my mom and I, we wrap our arms around her holding her tightly. I never want her to know this kind of pain ever again.
***
It’s a little after eleven at night when I finally get Darla to sleep. Being only four years old, I wasn’t sure how she would take the sudden and unexpected news. She’s had so many questions. I figured she would. I mean, how on earth is she supposed to understand this kind of stuff? Death isn’t something we’ve exactly discussed. We’ve had no reason to, and I surely wasn’t expected to get hit with it like today.
I’m utterly exhausted. I didn’t know I could be this tired and I really should get some sleep, but I can’t. A thousand different things keep running through my head. Everything from the moment I met Brendan for the first time to the relationship we had before I got pregnant. Then of course there was the turmoil I got caught up in when he left me, four years later him finally coming around, only to be taken away again but this time for good. I just want the memories to stop for now because I can’t close my eyes without seeing him everywhere.
I grab my phone for the first time since I texted Austin earlier. He’s texted a few times, simply saying things like, ‘Are we okay?’ and ‘I’m here if you need me.’ He has no idea how much I appreciate those few little words. I don’t know if he’s awake but I decide to text him just in case. I feel terrible for not having replied, but he understands we need some space and I can’t thank him enough for that.
Paige: This has been the longest, worst day ever.
Austin: I’m so sorry, babe. How are you two doing?
I’m actually relieved he answered. I really need someone more than a four year old to talk to right now.
Paige: I’m okay I guess. I’m still in shock this even happened. Darla, well, I think she’s going to need a lot of time with this. It was so hard to tell her.
Austin: I wish I could have been there for you.
Paige: I know and I appreciate that more than anything. Thank you really for being so understanding today.
Austin: Why wouldn’t I be? It broke my heart to read that text you sent. No one should have to go through that.
Paige: You’re amazing, I hope you know that.