I nod and begin rinsing off the cucumbers before I peel them. When she’s not looking, I pop a piece in my mouth. I love fresh cucumbers. I rinse them one more time before setting them in the bowl she has placed beside me. I move on to the tomatoes and begin dicing them. I’m finished in no time, and I slide the bowl over toward Mom.
“I’m done.”
“You’re fast. Hmm, let me see what you can do next. Can you butter these rolls and get them ready to go into the oven?”
“Yeah, why not. It’s not like I have anything better to do.”
“Did you go by the hospital to see Austin?”
The knife I’m getting ready to dip into the tub of butter slips from my hand and falls to the counter. “Shit,” I mutter.
“Are you okay?” Mom runs to my side.
“It’s just a butter knife, Mom, I didn’t lose my hand or anything.” I cover my mouth, wanting to sob. How stupid could I be?
“Go sit down. I’ll butter the rolls. What just happened?”
“You just caught me off-guard, I guess. I didn’t go to the hospital, Mom, and I never will. I can’t see him like that. You heard what his Mom thinks of me and I doubt he wants to see me.”
“You never know until you actually go up there. His mom was just angry. If that were you lying in that hospital, I would have been angry too. People can sometimes say the worst things in the heat of the moment. I know you and Ruston have your feelings for one another but you did feel something for Austin at one point, and it’s not fair to him that you’re blowing him off like this.”
I raise my eyebrow, knowing she is right. I don’t want to tell her that she’s right, though, because I know she’s waiting to hear me say it. “It’s just really hard for me. I’ll see him in my own time, when it’s right for me.”
“I’m not trying to push you to see him. I know this isn’t easy. I was just giving you my motherly advice.”
“I know, and that’s why I love you.” I grin at her. “Let me finish helping you. It’s only fair. I’m just clumsy.”
She hands the butter knife back to me. If I can just make it through this dinner without any of these minor meltdowns, I’ll be okay. Only time will tell. When Ruston gets here, things will either come together or fall apart. I’m having a hard time convincing myself that I need him right now. He’s right. I am being selfish.
Chapter 33
Ruston
Mom doesn’t take me back to my apartment after the visit with Austin. Instead, she heads back to their house. I raise my eyebrow but figure maybe she is just stopping for a second. When she turns her car off, I follow her lead and go inside. I sit on the couch and close my eyes for a moment, thanking God that Austin is okay. It was actually great to see him in such a good mood. I expected him to be angry with me but I guess he has a new outlook on life after what he just went through. I know I have a new outlook and it didn’t even happen to me.
“What are we doing here?” I ask Mom.
“Barbara and Phil invited us over to dinner this evening. I figured it would just be easier to come back here and we can bring you home after.”
“No. Bring me home.”
“Why?” she asks.
“I’m not going.”
“Why not, Ruston?”
“She wants to be selfish. I can be selfish too.” My eyes begin to water. I can’t believe Tamilyn is being this way. That’s not the Tamilyn I’ve known my whole life.
“Oh, honey,” Mom says as she walks over to me. “Maybe she is being selfish but she is hurting too. You can’t hold this against her. You two need each other.”
“You’re right. We do need each other, and she wasn’t there when I needed her today at the hospital. If she really loved me, she would have been there. No excuses.”
“Ruston, you have a lot to learn about love. She does love you. You can see it when she walks in the room and sees you. You are both carrying guilt. It’s not your fault. It was an accident. Just come eat, and maybe you two can talk. If you don’t, so what? You can talk another day.”
Mom and her wise wisdom. “I’ll go, okay? I’m going for you though, not for anyone else.”
“Okay, honey. Why don’t you try to get a little rest, and we’ll head out in a few hours.”