Chapter 2
3 Months Later
That night changed my life. I know it did. While Mom was sitting at home, slowly dying, I was out and trying to mask the pain. I’ve been more fucked up than usual since Hilary walked back into my life. For once in my life, I actually want a girl and not just to screw her. But I can’t have her. She’ll never forgive me for that night.
I should have seen the signs going off all around me. She seemed hesitant as I led her to the closet. She followed me, though. She trusted me. Damn, could she kiss. Her shirt came off with no problems, but the real warning signs came as I fumbled with the button of her jeans, dying to feel her wet and ready for me. I couldn’t believe she said she was a virgin. I fucking freaked.
I couldn’t do that to this poor girl, knowing she deserved so much better than some fuck up like me looking for a cheap lay. She deserves the best, and I wish to God I could give it to her, but I can’t. She was mortified. I could tell by the look in her eyes. Part of me wanted to console her, but instead I walked out, leaving her all alone. The guilt is heavy, weighing me down. I shouldn’t have left her like that. The realization of who she really was, the girl who took the brunt of everyone’s jokes in high school, really woke me up. I doubt she even remembers me. Back then, I knew she often regressed into her mind to escape the humiliation she was experiencing at school. She could have blocked everything out—including memories of me. I wonder how she’s doing. Where her life headed after we graduated.
I’ve been back at the bar almost every day, hoping to run into her. No luck. I tried to forget her, but she’s all I can think about. God, I’m so screwed up.
“Earth to Lance, come in, Lance.” I look up to see Garrett waving his hand in front of me. The anxious look on his face shows he’s been trying to get my attention.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
“You’re up, are you sure? If your head’s not in it, just forfeit. It’ll be okay.”
“I can’t do that shit, and you know it. The mortgage is due, and I told my dad I’d help him.” Dad’s new job is doing well, but I am so used to helping that I don’t mind. Anything to help take the load off him while he has to sit back and watch the love of his life wither away to nothing.
“I know, man. I’m just worried about you.”
I gather the courage to walk out this room, and get into that ring. Somehow, I get my head in the game. I never paid attention to who I was against, I just went in and did my job. I was so pissed about not having the one thing I wanted most that I completely annihilated the poor guy. He only got one hit in, and after that, he didn’t stand a chance. I exited the ring, no less frustrated than I’d been when I first walked into it.
“Lance, you okay, son?” Howard asks.
“I’m fine, Howard, just have a lot on my mind.”
“Your parents okay? You need to take some time for you. I admire you for what you’re doing for them, and I know they sure as hell appreciate it. We just worry about you,” he said, echoing Garrett’s words.
“I know, man, I’m good. I promise.” All I want to do is get out of here. I know everyone cares, and I love that, but I don’t want to hear it.
Once I’m in my truck, I’m able to breathe easier. I don’t even want to go out anymore. The bar can’t fix me tonight, not unless Hilary is there and ready to talk to me. I want to apologize so badly. I want to get on my hands and knees and tell her how sorry I am, and that if she will let me, I’d love a chance to be with her. I don’t think the chance will never come.
I continue to sit there, wondering if I’ll ever see her again. There’s no light in my truck except the light from the moon. I like it this way. No one can see the anguish and the heartache I’m feeling. No one can judge me. Raegan is the only one who knows why Hilary and I weren’t talking anymore. I gave her the whole background story, hoping she’d have some solution that could work to my benefit. She offered to talk to her for me, but I didn’t want her doing my work for me. I already feel pathetic enough. Although I said I wouldn’t, I find myself driving toward Joe’s.
I walk inside, grabbing the usual beer. The bartenders all know me, so the minute I step up, a beer is immediately in front of me. Before I can press the bottle to my lips, I see her. Hilary is here. I’m not sure who she’s here with, but I want to talk to her. This is my chance. Her brown hair is glowing from the neon light she’s standing under, and she throws her head back laughing at something someone is telling her as she takes a sip of the beer she’s holding. It’s now or never. I make my way up to her. She never sees me coming.
“Hilary, can we talk?” I lean into her, seeing her freeze like she did that first time. She turns around slowly, her eyes no longer shining.
“No.”
“Please, you have to let me explain. You know me—”
“No, Lance, I don’t,” she snaps, interrupting me.
I open my mouth ready to retaliate, to convince her she needs to hear me out, when my phone rings. Dad’s number pops up. He’s probably wondering where I am, and I need to let him know I have the money for my part of the mortgage.
“I have to get this. I’ll be right back.”
“What is that, a booty call?” Her words are laced with venom. “Maybe it’s someone who can give you what you want, how you want it.”
I force away the pain her words cause, and glare at her before turning away to answer my phone in the noisy bar.
“Hello?” I almost yell, trying to get outside so I can hea
r.
“Son.” There is silence, then a muffled cry.