Memory in Death (In Death 22)

“Here you see Caro coming to get her at last, to walk her back. Then Caro goes out, shuts the doors, and we have our little chat.”

Eve ran the disc forward, marked the time elapsed at twelve minutes before Trudy came hurrying out.

And there was fear, Eve noted, a hint of wildness in the eyes, a jerkiness to the walk that was nearly a trot.

“She was a bit annoyed,” Roarke said with a wide, wide grin.

Eve said nothing, simply watched as Trudy was escorted down, and quickly made her way out of the building.

“Unharmed, as you see, and where she went from there, I couldn’t say.”

“She wasn’t afraid of her killer.” Eve’s gaze met his. “But she was afraid of you.”

He held up his hands, palms out. “Never laid a hand on her.”

“You don’t have to,” Eve replied. “But you’re clear. You had a record going inside your office. You would have.”

He lifted a shoulder. “And your point?”

“You didn’t offer that to Feeney, to the investigation.”

“It’s private.”

She took a careful breath. “And if it comes to a squeeze?”

“Then I’ll give it to you, and you can decide if it’s needed. I said nothing to her that I’m ashamed of, but it’s your privacy. It’s ours, and we’re bloody well entitled to it.”

“If it has weight in the investigation—”

“It doesn’t. Damn it, Eve, take my word and let it go. Do you think I had her done, for Christ’s sake?”

“No. But I know you could have. I know a part of you could want that.”

“You’re wrong.” He braced his hands on the desk, leaned forward until their eyes were level. And his were cold as arctic ice. “If I’d wanted her done, I’d have given myself the pleasure of seeing to it personally. That’s who you married, and I’ve never pretended otherwise. It’s for you to deal with.”

He straightened, turned, started for the door.

“Roarke.”

When he glanced back, she had her fingers pressed to her eyes. It tugged at his heart even as temper and pride burned at his throat.

“I know who I married.” She lowered her hands, and her eyes were dark, but they were clear. “And you’re right, you’d have done it yourself. The fact that you could and would do that, for me—the fact that you wouldn’t, didn’t do that, again for me, well, sometimes it’s a hell of a jolt.”

“I love you, beyond all reason. That’s a hell of a jolt for me as well.”

“She kept me afraid, the way I think a dog’s afraid of the boot that kicks him, again and again and again. It’s not even a human fear, it’s more primal, it’s more… sheer. I don’t know how to say it.”

“You have.”

“She played on that, she used that, kept me down in the fear until there was nothing but just getting through one day to the next. And she did it without the boot. She did it by twisting what was inside me until it was all there was. Until, I swear I’d have ended myself, just to get out.”

“But you ran instead. And got out, and did more than anyone could expect.”

“This, all this, makes me remember too well what it was like to be nothing but fear.” The fact that her breath shuddered out told her the memory was very close to the surface. “I have to see this through, Roarke. I have to end this the way I am now. I don’t think I can if you walk away from me.”

He came back, took her hand, gripped it. “I never walk very far.”

“Help me. Please? Will you help me?”