BONK. Right in Ryan’s face.
“Okay, that’s it,” Ryan growled.
He plunked down the groceries, reached in the top of the wire container – which, at six three with long arms, was easy for him – and grabbed a ball in each hand.
“Ohhhh, it’s on NOW!” Derek hooted and grabbed the pink swirly ball off the floor.
Ryan threw and SMACKED Derek on the back of the head.
Basically, that started an all-out war.
“Guys, cut it out!” I said, nervous through my laughter.
Derek turned around and nailed me in the stomach with the pink swirly.
“OH NO YOU DID NOT,” I shouted, grabbed the ball, and threw it back.
Shanna shrieked and joined in, and it turned into a free-for-all. Rubber balls flew through the air and hit us all in the head and blasted cereal boxes off the shelf by the dozen.
It lasted for about 20 seconds before an angry voice shouted, “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?”
We all stopped and turned to see the store manager, an angry older man in a red vest, staring us down.
Ohhhhh shit.
We all stood there in mortified silence, the balls tap tap tapping around our feet, bounces dying out until they rolled across the floor.
Well, we all stood there in mortified silence – except Derek.
“Just playing with your balls, man,” he said jovially.
OH MY GOD.
Shanna snorted and covered her mouth with her hand.
The store manager stared at him in shock. “WHAT did you just say?!”
“Your balls. We’re just playing with them.” Derek held up a swirly blue ball in one hand. “Don’t worry, we’re not licking them.”
The manager was turning red. A single vein stood out on his forehead.
“I’m sorry, sir,” Ryan said, blushing furiously as he stooped to pick up some cereal boxes and put them on the shelves. “We’ll clean it up.”
I started helping him, grabbing things and putting them back in their places.
“Oh, you’ll clean it up, alright!” the manager shouted. “Every last bit of it!”
“We will, I promise – ”
“Hey, man, don’t sweat it,” Derek said. “Nobody likes sweaty balls.”
OH MY GOD.
Shanna could barely contain herself.
The manager looked at Derek as though he were about two inches away from pummeling him to death.
“I’m going to pay for one,” Derek explained, his voice deadpan. “I just really, really had to play with them, that’s all. I couldn’t help myself.”
Shanna was dying trying to contain her laughter.
“YOU!” the manager shouted at Derek.
“You got some big balls, man,” Derek said somberly. “And a lot of them. Some people only have two, and you’ve got, what, like, twenty?”
“GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE!”
“All of us, or just me? I mean, we were all handling your balls – ”
“ALL OF YOU! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE NOW!”
Ryan grabbed the groceries and we beat a hasty retreat.
“Love your balls, man!” Derek shouted as we left.
Out in the parking lot, Shanna almost collapsed on the ground. Derek could not have been happier with himself. I was half-mortified, half-laughing.
Ryan was not amused.
“DUDE, my mom SHOPS there!” he yelled at Derek.
“Come onnn, I was just having a little fun,” Derek grinned. “Besides, we didn’t have to clean up.”
Ryan hauled off and hit Derek in the shoulder. Derek yelped, but stayed grinning throughout and didn’t retaliate.
“Why you gotta be a jerk all the time?” Ryan yelled.
“I’m not – just to assholes with no sense of humor.”
“He wasn’t an asshole – ”
“Stay away from the asshole,” Derek said seriously, “and just play with the balls.”
Shanna was howling by now.
I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I laughed so hard I started crying.
Even Ryan gave in, and broke out in a grin.
“You dick,” he said, angrily but with a smile.
“No, that’s what you suck,” Derek said, as though he were explaining the birds and bees to a slow child.
Ryan punched him in the arm all the way to the car. Shanna and I had to hold each other up, we were laughing so hard.
31
Dinner with the Millers was great. Ryan’s mom was a good cook, and the spaghetti was tasty. It wasn’t fancy – she just simmered some hamburger meat in spices, then added some spaghetti sauce in a jar – but it was still a nice break from dining hall food.
Before dinner, Shanna disappeared with Ryan upstairs for a few minutes. As the seconds ticked by, Mrs. Miller started looking more and more agitated – and then Shanna came back down wearing one of Ryan’s oversized rock t-shirts over her halter top.