I grimaced. “You do that.”
Kevin had no idea what was going on, but he enjoyed seeing our formerly united front go down in flames. All he needed was a tub of popcorn and a drink, and he would have enjoyed it more than the movie.
Thank God he didn’t ask for more details after she left.
40
We had sex again after the DVD of Silver Linings Playbook was over.
I should have been raring to go. I love that movie – especially the way it ends. The look on Jennifer Lawrence’s face in the last shot is the way I want to feel when I’m in love.
Unfortunately, I didn’t feel that way now. In fact, the movie was kind of a dispiriting contrast to my current feelings.
As I went through the motions, I refused to think of Derek. I was tired of the guilt, and I resolved not to go there again.
When Kevin moved to go down on me, I stopped him.
“Just hold me,” I whispered. “I’m going to miss you… I just want you to hold me.”
So he did. We cuddled, and it was nice.
And this time I didn’t have to hate myself as I fell asleep.
41
We got up at 6AM. He had to be off by 7 for the fifteen-hour drive back to Syracuse, so I fixed a quick breakfast of instant oatmeal, bananas, and coffee while he showered down the hall in the guys’ dorm bathroom.
Afterwards I accompanied him down to the street in a t-shirt, PJ bottoms, and flip-flops.
“I’m so glad I got to see you,” he said as we hugged and kissed by his car. “You happy I came down?”
“Of course. Text me when you get in? No matter how late?”
“You don’t want me to call?” he asked, slightly offended.
“Shanna might be asleep. I don’t want to wake her up.”
“Oh… okay, sure.” He stared deeply into my eyes. “Are we okay?”
“Yes, of course!” I smiled reassuringly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m more than okay,” he smiled, and hugged me close. “I can’t wait till school is over… and then next year…”
“It’s going to be great,” I said as we held each other. “Everything’s going to be great.”
In retrospect, I wonder if I was honestly looking forward to it… or if I was trying to reassure myself.
42
I trudged back upstairs and collapsed in bed, then fell asleep for another couple of hours.
When I woke up again, my first thought wasn’t of Kevin, or of how nice the weekend had been, or how his scent still lingered on my sheets.
It was of Derek.
I wondered if I was ever going to see him again.
Part of me would have been relieved if he had decided he hated me and was going to stay away. The safe part of me, I should say – the part that knew my future was with Kevin in Syracuse.
But another part of me was anxious beyond belief.
I got up, showered, got dressed, and started studying.
Every fifteen minutes or so, I glanced at my phone, halfway wishing Derek had a cell so I could call him and…
…and what?
Just say ‘hey’?
Tell him, ‘I know I’m back with my boyfriend and all, but I hope we can go on some more dates’?
I told myself I was horrible for stringing Derek along, and even more horrible for thinking of someone else when I was with Kevin.
But I still kept looking at the damn cell phone every fifteen minutes.
43
Shanna came back around dinner time.
“So you two patched it all back up, huh?” she asked.
“Yeah. Thanks for letting me have the room both nights.”
“No problem.” She yawned and swapped out her club clothes for a shower robe. “Aren’t you going to thank me for the other thing?”
“What other thing?”
“The ‘not busting your ass about Derek in front of your boyfriend’ thing?”
Oh. THAT other thing.
“…thank you,” I said grudgingly. “Though there wasn’t anything to bust me on.”
“Ha! I don’t think your boyfriend would see it that way.”
No, he definitely would not have.
And this once, out of all the hundreds of times he had been a suspicious jerk, he would have been right.
Shanna got her stuff together for the shower down the hall. “You do know your boyfriend is a dweeb, right?”
“He’s not a dweeb,” I protested.
“He’s kind of a dweeb,” Shanna said, as though breaking bad news that I obviously didn’t want to accept. “And you do know that Derek is a grade-A hunk of man-meat, right? I mean, like, a dream lay, right?”
“Who sleeps with anything with a pulse,” I snapped.
“Um, not so much,” she said, annoyed, and gestured to herself like Vanna White might to a vowel. “Exhibit A.”