“I am not even talking about this anymore.”
“Well if you’re not going to do him for you, then do him for me, Kaitlyn!” she howled in mock pain. “Do him for meeee!”
I gave her the most withering look I had ever given anybody in my entire life.
She just shook her head in rueful amazement. “I don’t get you. You just made out with a hottie I’d give my left ovary to bang, and you’re acting like you ran over somebody’s dog. What’s your problem?”
“My problem is that I have a boyfriend!” I snapped.
Shanna reached over and pulled her phone out of her purse. “Lucky for you, that problem is easily solved.”
I stared at her. “What are you talking about?”
“Call him and say, ‘Yo, dude, I’m tradin’ up!’”
“I can’t do that!”
“Sure you can.”
“No I can’t!”
She lowered the phone. “Can I say something?”
“If I say ‘no,’ will it matter?”
She completely ignored me and sped right ahead. “I’m sure your ex – ”
“We’re back together again.”
“Which I’m sure will change in three weeks, if the last year is any indication.”
I shot daggers at her. “We’re going to be together after this week – we’re not going to break up anymore – ”
“Whatever. Look, I’m sure Kevin’s a good guy. I’m sure he’s got really great qualities. Maybe he’s super smart, and he’s got a great future, and he’s good to old ladies, and he does all sorts of charity work for orphans, but what I see is an insecure, jealous douche who makes you batshit crazy with his insecure, jealous whining. And when you call him on his bullshit he tries to control you by breaking up with you, and you come running right back to him every single time.”
Her words hit me like a punch in the gut.
Maybe because they rang true.
But even then, I didn’t believe them. I couldn’t believe them.
What she was describing wasn’t us. She didn’t know Kevin; she didn’t know me.
It still took me a long time to answer, though.
“…all couples have problems.”
“Yeah, but only fucked-up couples have your problems.”
I wanted to tell Shanna that I was never going to be my mother. I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t going to do to Kevin what she’d done to my dad.
What she’d done to me.
But I’d never told anyone but Derek… and I didn’t want to tell anyone else but him.
What could I say?
I didn’t have anything to say.
My one huge reason, I couldn’t – wouldn’t – tell her.
I couldn’t win the argument by logic…
…so I lashed out instead.
“What do you know about relationships?” I raged. “You can’t even keep a man longer than three nights.”
Her face darkened. “There’s a difference between keeping a man and wanting to keep a man.”
“Too bad you haven’t figured out how to do either yet.”
The words didn’t make much sense, but the derision and contempt in my voice were plain as day.
Now it was Shanna’s turn to shoot daggers at me. “At least I have sense enough when a man disses me not to come running back and lick his shoes.”
“No, you just lick something else instead.”
She stood up, and for a second I thought she was going to hit me.
But she didn’t.
Not with her hand, anyway.
“At least I don’t tell some guy I love him and then fuck around behind his back,” she said, and walked out of the room and slammed the door behind her.
I held it together for maybe ten more seconds.
Then I burst into tears.
She was right.
54
Things were frosty between us when she came back to the room. We went to bed without saying a word.
They were cold the next morning, too.
I left to took my English exam. I did surprisingly well, considering how badly my studying had been derailed the night before.
When I returned, Shanna was packing up her stuff. Her last exam was over, and she was leaving to drive back to California that afternoon.
I leaned against the doorframe and watched as she completely ignored me.
“…I think I did okay on my English exam,” I volunteered meekly.
“Yay hooray for you,” she said, never looking up.
“…did you do okay?”
She continued to box up her clothes. “Probably not. I’ve already got a 1.9, and I’m sure I flunked Physics… so I don’t think the parental units are going to be too keen on me coming back next year. I think my future has a California community college somewhere in it.”