“…I’m sorry.”
She shrugged. “Not your fault.” Then she smiled to herself. “Besides, it was fun while it lasted.”
“…I don’t want us to leave on bad terms,” I said.
She looked straight at me for the first time. “Then maybe you shouldn’t be a bitch.”
I bit my tongue.
Do you want to BE right, or do you want to MAKE things right?
I nodded. “I shouldn’t have said that stuff. I’m sorry.”
As soon as I said it, she let go. Real hurt showed in her face. “You know, I live my life the way I want to live it. I sleep with whoever I want to. I get a lot of shit for it – from guys I don’t sleep with… from guys I do sleep with… from girls, from teachers, from my parents… people calling me a slut, people calling me a whore, people calling me a bitch – but I don’t give a fuck about them. They don’t know me. My parents don’t even really know me; not anymore. They just judge me. But I do what I want, and anybody who doesn’t like it can go fuck themselves. But you… I know you don’t want to do what I do, and you don’t want to live your life like I do, and that’s fine… but I thought you didn’t judge me. You were always really nice to me. I thought we were friends. And then you go saying shit like that…”
For the first time in weeks, I felt guilt over something other than Derek and Kevin.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I just… I was so mad at you. I know that’s not an excuse…”
“You know I only said it because I care about you, right? You know I only said it because I think you’re making a mistake you’re gonna regret, right?”
“What, not sleeping with Derek?”
She smiled. “When I’m 99 years old, I hope I’m gonna look back on some things in my life and say, ‘You know, maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing I ever did, but God damn I’m glad I did it.’ I have a sneaking suspicion that sleeping with Derek Kane might be one of those things.”
“For me or for you?”
“For either one of us. But you’re the only one with a shot at it, as far as I can see.” Then her smile faded, and she sighed. “But it’s not just that.”
The way she said it made me uncomfortable. “What is it, then?”
“Look… I’m only saying it because I like you, Kaitlyn… but I think you’re making a big mistake.”
“You already said that.”
“Not about Derek. About Kevin.”
I clammed up and crossed my arms defensively.
“You’re right, I don’t know a ton about relationships ‘cause I haven’t had any, really, but I’ve seen an awful lot of other people in them, and I do know a lot about men. And I can tell you that a good guy, a really good guy, doesn’t break up with you all the time when you don’t do what he likes. And somebody who’s right for you, who’s really right for you? They don’t make you miserable the rest of the time you’re together.”
“I’m not miserable when we’re together,” I said defensively.
“Maybe not all the time, but I hear your conversations, Kaitlyn. At least your end. You think I can’t see how stressed he’s made you the last nine months? Come on.”
What she was saying was true.
But it wasn’t the whole picture.
“We’re going to be back together soon – physically back together. It’s going to be better once we’re around each other all the time.”
She sighed. “Maybe. But even if it is, I think you’re selling yourself short. You’re gorgeous, Kaitlyn.”
I blushed as soon as she said it. It was hard for me to take compliments; it always has been.
“No I’m not – ”
“Yeah you are, quit fucking around,” Shanna said tersely. “You’re also smart as hell, you’re funny, you’re… you could basically get any guy you wanted if you played your cards right. And you’re sticking with your boyfriend because why?”
“Because my boyfriend liked me before I was pretty,” I said quietly.
Shanna looked thoughtful. “Okay, if that’s true, then that’s actually a really good reason. But don’t you see, that’s the thing that’s fucking him up now? He started dating a regular girl – if that’s true, which I don’t really believe it is – ”
“It’s true.”
“Okay, fine. But now the regular girl turned into a babe, and he’s not a hunk, and he’s insecure about it, and it’s driving him crazy, and he’s fucking with your head because he’s too stupid to know that you like him for something other than his looks.”