“Yeah, I know. But… you’re amazing, Kaitlyn. You’re, just… beautiful, and smart, and funny, and sexy, and strong… you’re the whole package. And I knew exactly what you saw when you looked at me: a guy who sleeps around, who came back with your roommate for a sleazy one-night stand. You don’t have to deny it, I could see it in your eyes. I figured the only way I could ever convince you I was for real is if I just laid it on the line… just put myself out there and let you see me. All of me. And maybe then you’d believe I was telling the truth. I figured that was the only shot I had with you. And that’s why I told her.”
I looked away, overcome.
And then I leaned my body into him and rested my head against his chest.
He stroked my hair and hugged me tight, and I hugged him back.
We must have sat like that for twenty minutes, just holding each other, never saying a word.
73
But eventually there came a point where we both knew I had to leave.
We walked out to my car and stood facing each other. There was a horrible, nauseating sadness in my stomach. If I could have put off this moment forever, I would have.
“I can give you a ride back,” I offered as I opened the driver’s door.
He shook his head. “I’ll take the bus… or I’ll call Ryan.”
“You don’t have a cell phone.”
He pointed at a telephone booth next to the Krispy Kreme. “They have these awesome new telephones that take quarters and – bam! – you can talk to anybody.”
I recognized my own words being used against me. I gave him a look, then smiled as I pulled my phone out of my purse. “You want to use mine?”
He grinned, took it and dialed, and asked Ryan to come get him.
“…but take your time,” he said before he hung up.
He handed the phone back to me.
“…I guess this is it,” I whispered. I could feel myself perilously close to crying.
“It doesn’t have to be.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
He took my hands in his.
“Stay with me,” he whispered, his green eyes gazing deep into mine.
My lips trembled. “I… I can’t…”
“Yes you can. If you really want to, you can. Stay with me. You can stay at Ryan’s house for a couple of weeks… I know they’ll let you stay there until I can find a second job, a better job. I’ll get a better place, you can live with me and go to school while Ryan and I do the band…”
I had to look away. Tears filled my eyes. “I… I’m supposed to go to Syracuse…”
“You can keep going here. You can go to journalism school here.”
“I already told them I’m leaving…”
“They’ll let you back in. Stay with me.”
I started crying. “I can’t.”
He took my face in his hands and looked at me so sweetly, it hurt. “If you walk away now, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.”
“…if I don’t walk away now, I’m going to regret it, too.”
He tried again. “Then just stay with me one more week.”
I shook my head.
He tried to bargain. “Then three days… two days, even… just two more days…”
I shook my head every time.
“Then give me just one more night,” he pleaded. “I want to make love to you… give me that, at least…”
“I can’t,” I cried.
“It’s better to regret the things you did than the things you didn’t.”
I shook my head as the tears coursed down my cheeks. “Not if it hurts someone you love.”
“He’ll never know,” he whispered.
“I will.”
“Stay with me, Kaitlyn… please. Stay.”
I was bawling now, my body shaking and trembling.
He saw I wasn’t going to give in, and he relented. He smiled at me so sadly, so sweetly, and then he leaned over and softly pressed his lips to mine, kissing me through my tears.
He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “Have a wonderful life. I love you.”
My heart broke when he said that.
“I love you too,” I sobbed – and then, afraid of what I might do if I stayed one second longer, I jumped in the car, cranked the key, and tore away.
I could barely see through my tears, but I saw him in my rearview mirror, watching me go, never turning away, until he receded into the distance and disappeared.
74
I know what you’re saying.
Why did you leave him?
Why didn’t you break up with Kevin?!
WHY?!
I’ve asked myself that every day for the last four years… but I always come back to the same answer.