“Seriously, though, Ryan… thank you,” I said, putting my hand on his arm.
He gave me a hug. A really, really good hug. “It was nothing. You should get out there, make him jealous. Turn the tables on him.”
“What, and make out with Riley?” I joked.
He gave an exaggerated look of alarm. “Don’t say that. It’s like saying ‘Voldemort’ in the Harry Potter books. Bad idea.”
“Okay, how about, ‘Make out with ‘She Who Must Not Be Named’?”
“I was talking more about just combining the words ‘make out’ with ‘Riley,’ not necessarily her name itself. She might hear you and decide you’re serious – without double- checking with you first.”
“Like a drive-by kissing?”
“Worse, probably. I would say more, but I’ve used up my allotment of crude language for the evening, so I’ll just leave it to your imagination.”
I laughed. “Okay – thanks for the warning.”
“Alright, then. I need to go talk to these radio guys over here – have fun. But not too much fun.”
I smiled. “Don’t worry, I don’t think that will be a problem.”
He smiled back, then strode off towards a bunch of businessmen in three-piece suits.
Talking to Ryan had made me feel so much better. In fact, talking to Ryan always made me feel better. Why couldn’t Derek be more like him?
Killian was up next. He approached at an angle, his head down pitifully and his eyes lifted up towards me, acting exactly like a dog that expects to get beaten.
Even the plinking on his guitar strings sounded sad and hesitant.
“No hard feelings?” he asked.
“Killian, I told you to play it!” I said, laughing. “It’s fine.”
“So… no hard feelings, then?”
“No. No hard feelings.”
He immediately relaxed, and the guitar tune brightened considerably.
“Good. He was a bit of a tosser tonight, wasn’t he?”
“Uhhh… if by that you mean he was a dickhead, then yes, yes he was.”
“Well. It’s nice that you’re being such a sport about it.”
“He’ll get his later.”
“I’m sure he will.”
He and I just stood there awkwardly. No bad vibes or anything – just nothing to say.
“Well – I’ll be off, then,” he announced, then gestured with his eyes towards the joint dangling from his lips. “Unless you’d like a puff.”
“No, I’m good, thanks.”
“Alright, then.”
And he strode back into the crowd, plinking away at his guitar.
Riley was the last.
I didn’t even see her coming. Just felt the stinging slap on my ass.
“What up, BITCH!” she howled.
I flinched, then glared over at her. “Hi, traitor.”
“Awwww, don’t be that way, Bitch.”
“Could you not call me that? Thanks.”
“‘Could you not call me that ‘kay thanksssss,’” she mimicked me, making me sound like a Valley girl.
I turned up the cold factor on my stare.
“Awww, come on, Blondie. You know I’m just playin’ around. And I couldn’t pass up ‘99 Problems’ – it’s got, like, the best beats ever.”
I relented. “…I know. You did a great job.”
“Yup, it was… bitchin’,” she joked, then elbowed me lightly and wiggled her eyebrows.
I started to look a little irritated again –
“AW COME ON, Blondie, that was funny. Lighten up.”
I couldn’t help it. It was like staying angry at a five-year-old.
A really annoying, foul-mouthed, smelly five-year-old… but still.
“Okay, fine… it was funny.”
“You should do some shots with me. Wash your cares away with some Jack. Or – what was that shit you were drinking? Ama-somethin’? I’m sure I could get you a bottle – ”
“Nooooo. Thank you.”
“Awwww, come on.”
“Last time I drank with you, I felt like I wanted to die for two days straight.”
“Okay, fine – we’ll go five for one, how about that?”
“So I can just feel like dying half of a day? I’ll pass.”
“Ten for one – how about that? Ten for one. Final offer.”
I realized that, in her own way, Riley was trying to make it up to me. She was really going out of her way to be friendly… maybe even console me.
I smiled. “It’s the last night of the tour, Riley, and there is some fine ass out there, just waiting for you to tap it. Time’s a-wastin’.”
She grinned and took the rejection gracefully.
“Alright… but if you change your mind…” she said, her face suddenly serious.
“I’ll come find you.”
“Alright… talk to you later!” she yelled, and dove into a nearby group of supermodels.
I sat on the sidelines for another ten minutes, watching Derek ignore me. Then I got tired of it and decided I was done.
I walked out of the party room, down a long series of hallways, and emerged into the main casino. From there I got lost amongst the ding-ding-dinging slot machines, then finally found the elevator. I went up to Derek’s room on the 30th floor, took a quick shower, and got dressed for bed.
I didn’t have to wait long.
106
I was watching the lights of Las Vegas from the hotel suite’s gigantic glass windows, thinking how beautiful and uncomplicated it seemed out there, when I heard the door open.
His boots whispered over the carpet until he was right behind me. I felt his strong arms circle around my waist.
“You disappeared on me,” he murmured in my ear, then proceeded to kiss my neck.
I almost gave in. It felt so good to be held by him… to feel his lips on my skin…
But I didn’t.
I shrugged him off and moved closer to the window. “Don’t.”
There was a long pause behind me.
Then a sigh.
“Okay, I’m sorry. I was pissed off – ”
“So you decided to call me a bitch in front of 20,000 people?”
“The Garden only holds 16,000,” he said, trying for a lame joke.
When I didn’t respond, he groaned. “I was singing a song. Nobody knew I was talking about you – ”
“Ryan did. Killian did.”
“Yeah, so did Riley, and I noticed you palling around with her at the after-party.”
“I’m surprised you had enough time to notice, given how many actual bitches YOU were palling around with.”
I turned away from the window and looked at him. I could only see his silhouette; a nightlight in the bathroom was the only thing that outlined him against the darkness. But I could tell he was clenching his fists – that the muscles in his arms were taut – that he was trying to keep his anger from exploding.
And suddenly, I was just… so… tired.
Of fighting…
Of being jealous…
Of not being happy…
Of everything.
“Look… I don’t want to fight. Not now. I’m tired of fighting. Can we just… call it a day on this one and forget about it for a while?”
His body visibly relaxed in the darkness.
“Yeah… I’d like that,” he agreed.
“Okay. Good.”
He moved in for a kiss, circling his arms around me –
I held up my hand and pressed it against his chest.
Stop.
At the same time, I averted my face. “I don’t want to sleep with you. I just don’t want to fight anymore.”
His body went taut again. He let go of me and backed away.
“Why are you being like this?”
“Oh, I don’t know – maybe because you called me a bitch in front of 16,000 people?”
“I said I was sorry!”
“It wasn’t much of a fucking apology, Derek.”
“I thought we weren’t going to fight.”
“Well, we’re not going to have sex, either.”
I moved over to the side of the bed nearest the window and pulled back the covers.
He didn’t move from where he stood.
My temper got the best of me.
“Either let’s go to sleep, or go find one of your other 99 bitches you don’t have a problem with.”
My little dig didn’t make any sense.
I didn’t care.
I was exhausted, I was cranky… I just wanted all the bad stuff to stop.
He didn’t say anything, and for a second I wondered if maybe he was going to storm out of the room.
I was actually afraid for about two seconds.
Then he finally went over to the opposite side of the bed, sat down, pulled off his boots, and tossed them in the corner. Then he pulled off his jeans and his t-shirt and slipped between the sheets.
Ordinarily I would have had a tough time ignoring that gorgeous body.
Not tonight. I just wanted to go to sleep and forget about all of this crap for a little while.
I got into bed and turned on my side, facing away from him.
We didn’t say anything else.
Ten minutes later, I heard long, slow breathing that told me he was asleep.
Unfortunately, it took me hours.
And the entire time I lay there, I looked out at the Vegas lights in the dark and silence, wishing that I could be happy again.
107
I woke the next morning and winced as sunlight flooded the room.
Damn… should’ve shut the drapes…
I thought about getting up and closing them, but… ugh. I really didn’t feel like moving.