Crystal (Orphans 2)

"Well, fine, Crystal. I guess you're just like Ashley . . . too scared to do anything adult, even in the name of science!" He stormed to the bedroom door. "I can't believe you're acting like this is something . . . something wrong or dirty or whatever. You're obviously way younger than I thought I think you'd better leave, Crystal. And don't bother coming back:'

As I ran out of Bernie's house, tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but feel I was wrong to have ended our experiment. I wanted to be able to return. Bernie was my friend. I didn't mean to make him feel we'd done something dirty. In fact, I was beginning to think there was something special between us, that what we were doing meant something. And I hoped maybe Bernie thought that, too. Now I guess I'd never find out how he really felt about me. If his thoughts were of me when we were kissing . . . or if he was really only thinking of charts and graphs.

Maybe Thelma was right--it was much easier to be involved in someone else's life on TV than it was to be involved in your own real life.

At my house, I stopped and sat on a lawn chair to catch my breath. I didn't want to go inside looking and feeling as I did. They would wonder why I was home so soon, anyway. Before Bernie, I thought, I had never had a boy even try to kiss me.

The night air chilled me. I embraced myself and rocked back and forth. I couldn't throw off the bad feelings.

How hard it was to get someone to love you in a way that made you happy, I thought, but how desperately we wanted it and needed it. Suddenly, Thelma didn't seem as silly and distracted to me as I had believed. She only wanted to be loved as much as the characters on her soap operas were loved.

Karl and Thelma looked up when I entered. "Home so soon?" Karl asked.

"There wasn't much to study." I gazed at the television set. "So I thought I would come home and watch the program with Mom."

"Really?" she cried.

Karl looked at me suspiciously, his eyes narrowing. "Everything all right?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Why wouldn't everything be all right?" Thelma demanded. "She's home to watch the show with me. That's all."

She absolutely glowed. Her eyes were bright with happiness.

"Yes," I said. "Yes, I am."

"You're just in time," she said, and made a place for me beside her.

11 Shattered Dreams

Bernie was waiting by my locker in the morning. I glanced at him and went right to unlocking my combination lock.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I think we just went too fast on the chart. Can't we try again?"

"No. I think we were right yesterday. Let's wait and see what happens naturally." I hoped I sounded more sure of myself than I felt.

"You're the only person I would have ever done this with," he said sadly, turned, and walked away.

Ashley was watching from across the hall. She hurried over to me.

"My parents said I could come to your house for dinner Friday night," I said. Her eyes brightened like Christmas tree lights. "Don't ask me any other questions," I said sharply. "Not a single one."

She took one look at my face and nodded. Bernie wasn't there at lunch, and he avoided looking at me in class. I put all my concentration into my schoolwork, driving every other thought from my mind. Ashley was so afraid of my demeanor, she walked and sat quietly beside me all day, becoming talkative only after the final bell, when we were on our way to the bus.

"I'll tell my mother you're coming After we eat and study our math, maybe we can listen to some music. I bought two new CDs this week. Do you like Timmy and the Grasshoppers?"

"I never heard of them." I turned to look at her. "I rarely listen to rock music."

"Oh," she said softly.

I sighed deeply. "But maybe I should be brought up to date. Sure," I said. "We'll listen to some music." "Great."

She bounced ahead of me onto the bus. Bernie was in the rear in his usual seat already. He kept his eyes on his book. I took a seat in the middle, and Ashley got in beside me.

"Aren't you two becoming the cozy ones?" Helga quipped as she walked past.

"Jealous?" I asked with a cold smile.