"I just want to find a new mother and father and maybe a grandmother and grandfather," she said in her tiny voice.
No one spoke.
"I am tired now," I said, closing my eyes and sinking deeper into the seat.
"Me too," Raven said, "so everyone shut up."
It was dark and very still, with barely a breeze coming through the openings in our windows. Somewhere far off, I heard what I thought was an owl. I closed my eyes. Butterfly's simple wish resonated like a powerful poem inside me.
Should I have told the girls what I really wished? I wished that at the end of my rainbow was my mother, who would come forward to claim me, to ask for my forgiveness, to tell me a story that justified and explained why she abandoned me. She would be filled with so much remorse, I would forgive her and she would hug me and kiss me and tell me that ever since that dreadful day when she had to deposit me in some state-run facility, she had dreamed of meeting me again.
We would pick up as if all the intervening years had been a bad dream. In minutes we would become like sisters, and she wouldn't be upset about my being more interested in sports than in beauty pageants. She would be intrigued and interested. We'd play tennis and swim and take long walks on those grand California beaches where the sand glimmers like tiny diamonds and the people are forever young.
How wonderful it would be finally to have someone I truly wanted to call Mommy. Darkness wrapped itself around us, four lost and frightened souls safe for the moment, sleeping in the automobile owned by the man we had all come to hate, the demon in our nightmares, out there, chasing us, fueled by his rage, relentless, a reason never to forget to lock our doors.
As if she could read my thoughts even in her sleep, Butterfly had a terrible nightmare almost as soon as she fell asleep. She woke screaming and Crystal was immediately at her side, comforting her, assuring her she was safe.
"What was it?" Raven asked her. Butterfly couldn't talk, didn't want to tell.
"It's all right, Butterfly," Crystal said. "We're all here with you."
"She scared dinner out of me," Raven moaned. "My heart feels like a tiny fist pounding on the inside of my chest."
"Go back to sleep," Crystal advised.
"Go back to sleep?"
"Just go back to sleep," she said firmly.
Raven thought a moment, realized that Butterfly would remain calm if we did, and quieted down. It was hard to go back to sleep. I felt so sorry for Butterfly. Maybe it was wrong to take her with us. Maybe Todd was right. She's too fragile. Even our love, our company, our joining and promising to be there forever for each other wasn't enough.
Who did we think we were anyway? I thought.
We're nobodies.
How did I ever come up with this idea?
The morning light woke us. It filled the car with so much sunshine that when I opened my eyes, I thought we were on fire and jerked myself up, a scream on my lips. After a moment I remembered where we were. It was just five-thirty in the morning. Raven wouldn't be a happy camper if I woke her, I thought as she moaned and turned, desperately trying to cling to sleep.
I got out, stretched and took deep breaths of the cool air. Crystal joined me. Butterfly was still asleep too._
"We've got to figure something out, Brooke, find a way to get money. We can't go on like this and what will we do if we should ever really reach California? We'll need an apartment. We might not get jobs right away and even if we did, we wouldn't get paid right away. How do we eat in the meantime? Who'll give us an apartment without putting up rent?
"I've been awake awhile," she confessed, "thinking about all this."
"What are you saying, Crystal?"
"Maybe it's time we stopped fooling ourselves. It's been an adventure, but that's about it. We can't expect anything more, realistically that is."
"You know we can't go back. You know what will happen," I reminded her.
"Not if we tell the police everything. They'll believe us, even if it means leading them back to the place where we left the cocaine. I put a rock over the bag. I'm sure it will still be there and there should be enough of a residue to convince them we were telling the truth. Gordon will be arrested."
"What if he's not?"
"Even if he's not, they won't put us back with him. They'll know how bad that would be," she said.
"Would they?" I kicked a rock and sighed, tears coming to my eyes. "I think I'd rather take my chances starving."