"I remember when I was a little girl, I was watching two larks flitting about madly, and I asked Grandmere Catherine what was wrong with them. She said they were doing a mating dance. The female was pretending not to be interested, which, Grandmere Catherine explained, made the male even more interested and guaranteed the female she wouldn't be disappointed. 'She just wants him to know she ain't no easy date,' Grandmere said."
We both laughed.
"You were so lucky to grow up in the bayou. I wish I had," I said.
"Oh, it was no picnic. We worked hard to have what we needed just for day-to-day living, but the mor
nings and the nights . ."
"You still miss it, don't you, Mommy?"
"I do. Some."
"Why don't we go back? Why don't we all visit Cypress Woods?" I said excitedly.
"No, I don't think so, honey. Not just yet," she said getting up, obviously uncomfortable with the idea. "Feeling better?"
"Yes, Mommy."
"Hungry?"
"A little."
"Then let's go downstairs. We'll pretend you just came in and we'll go get you something to eat. Daddy will want to hear every detail about your day at the hospital."
"I know. It's sad he never became a doctor."
"Life holds a surprise around every bend. Some good, some disappointment. The trick is to keep poling your canoe," she said.
"I've never even been in a pirogue. Why can't we go to the bayou?" I pleaded.
"We will. Someday," she said, but it was the same someday I had heard hundreds of times before. This one had no more ring of truth to it. But it did have a darker, deeper, and hollower resonance. It left me feeling uncertain, like someone grappling with the darkness, pressing her face into the night, waiting hopefully for the first star.
The past, our past, resembled the maze of canals that were woven through the bayou, some leading out, some leading farther and farther into the unknown. It would take courage to risk the trip, but I was confident that someday I would embark. Someday I would go back and discover the answers to the questions that lingered.
I only hoped, how I hoped, that I would have someone precious and loving alongside me when I pushed away from the shore and began the journey.
5
Is Love for Me?
.
Although I had assured Mommy I would have
no trouble working in the hospital near Jack Weller, I couldn't help feeling as if my heart was wound in tight rubber bands when I stepped off the cable car and walked to the hospital the following day. The sky was heavily overcast and gray with rain only minutes away. In fact, the air was so humid I thought I saw drops forming right before my eyes. Sophie had already arrived. She had come early because she had a ride that brought her within a half dozen blocks and she could save the cable fare. Fortunately, Jack Weller wasn't coming on duty until midway through my shift, so for the first few hours at least I wouldn't have to confront him.
But when Sophie and I returned from lunch, Jack was standing in the hallway talking to one of the nurses. He gazed our way and smiled as if nothing at all had happened between us. I hadn't said a word about it to Sophie, so she thought Jack was just being his usual funny and flirtatious self. I went directly to the linen room. Sheila Delacrois, the young woman who I had thought had trouble with her gallbladder, did have a problem and had been taken upstairs for an operation. Afterward she would go to recovery and she wouldn't return to our floor, so I had to change her bed and prepare it for a new patient.
I was busy stacking the pillowcases and sheets when I heard the door of the linen closet close softly behind me. I spun around to discover Jack standing there, his back against the door, his hands behind him on the knob.
"Open the door," I demanded. "I just want to talk to you privately for a moment," he replied.
"We have nothing to discuss. Just open the door," I insisted.
"Look, I want to apologize. Maybe I stepped over the line, went too far too quickly. Because of how intelligent you are, I thought you were more sophisticated. It was my mistake. I admit it. I just want to say it won't do dither of us any good to talk about this to others."
"You don't have to worry. I won't say anything to anyone. However, I did tell my mother," I added.