We were like two teenagers first discovering the wonder of our bodies and the power that came from each touch, each kiss. Every moment was new, the unwrapping of another amazing gift of life and of love. We were both so absorbed in each other's warmth and desire, neither of us thought about tomorrow. There were no consequences. There was no price to pay, no repentance to be sought. Nothing mattered more than the moment.
"I have never made love like this," I whispered.
"How can that be?" she wanted to know, "You're married."
"With my wife it's mechanical. It's a
performance. Neither of us has ever been ourselves. I have no words to explain this. Grace, no textbook to turn to so that I can find a description of my feelings for you. I am like an atheist who has found there is a God, there is something more than what we can touch and see, hear and taste."
She turned into me and we held each other and made love to each other and found ourselves deeper and deeper within each other's very being. I was with her for hours, losing all sense of time or place. Finally she fell asleep in my arms. and I released her gently and got dressed, I can't tell you how painful it was to leave her bedside that night. Willow. Twice I turned back to touch her, to kiss her. Her eyelids barely twitched. She had fallen asleep with this most wonderful, yes, angelic smile on her lips. She never looked more content, more secure and happy with herself than she did at that moment. It made me feel as if I had truly done a wonderful thing, not only for myself. but for her and for whatever we were together.
The act of love does create a new entity. Willow, if it is with someone you truly do love. You become so merged, so much a part of each other that there is a birth. I and you become we, and that. I thought then. and I think still, is a real miracle and not one that any textbook can explain.
Finally, like one tearing free of powerful chains, I managed to get the strength to leave her. I stepped into the quiet, brightly lit hallway, the harshness of the illumination shocking me back to my reality. I glanced at my watch and was astounded at how long I had been with Grace.
I hurried down to the recreation room and found Miles asleep on the sofa, the television blinking like a hypnotist's light, throwing shadows on the walls. For a moment I was at a loss about what to do. Wake him, of course, but how did I explain this late hour? Where was the night staff? I nudged him and he opened his eyes, gazed at me in confusion for a moment, and then sat up quickly.
"Oh. Doctor, sorry," he said, grinding the sleep out of his eyes.
"Let's go home. Miles," I said quickly.
"What time is it?" he asked and looked at his watch, "Well, I'll be darned," he muttered.
I was already out in the hallway. I was in flight, hoping none of the staff would see me and wonder why I was still there. Miles trailed behind, muttering to himself. I could hear the law murmur of
conversation coming from the cafeteria. When we passed the doorway, I did not look in and hoped no one was looking out. Moments later I was in my automobile.
Miles got in quickly and started the engine.
"This was a late one for you. Dr. De Beers," he commented. To be honest. Miles," I said. "I dozed off myself."
"Oh," he said and nodded. "No problem. But I've been telling you that you're working too hard." he chastised.
"You might be right," I said.
My house was as quiet as the clinic had been. Alberta was long asleep. I thought as I made my way up the stairs. The Valium surely relaxed her enough. She rarely checked to see if I was in my bedroom anyway. If something else disturbed her and she went looking for me in my office and saw I was not there. I was sure she gave up thinking about my whereabouts and attended to herself. Even so. I was extra quiet when I reached her bedroom door.
I went to bed as quickly as I could. but I could not fall asleep for the life of me. Willow. Instead. I lay there thinking about Grace, still smelling the aroma of her hair and reliving the taste of her lips and the softness of her body. I replayed every word we had uttered to each other. Finally I curled around my pillow and hugged it like a lovesick teenager, which enabled me to drift into some repose.
I overslept and rose quite late. In fact, I rose so late. Alberta was up before me. What a panic it put me in. Miles was more troubled by it than I was. He came to my room as I was dressing.
"Oh, good, you're up finally. I went to your door twice. Doctor." he said. and knocked pretty hard. I must say. I thought you might have been in the bathroom. but I did look in on you and saw you were dead to the world. Who was I to wake you?" he asked.
"It's all right. Miles."
"Dr. Ralston called." he told me. Then he leaned toward me and whispered, "Mrs. De Beers spoke to him, not me."
"Oh?"
"I know he asked her if she knew why you had returned to the clinic because I heard her say. 'I didn't know he had returned. I'm surprised he bothers coming home.'"
"It's okay, Miles," I said. By reporting what he had overheard. he was, without realizing it, making me feel worst, making me feel as if he and I were conspirators, plotters in some way.
He nodded and left me.
"What's wrong with you? Are you sick?" Alberta asked when I appeared downstairs. She was having her morning coffee and nibbling like a squirrel on her toast. I could see she was quite agitated. She hadn't taken as perfect care of her coiffure. It was unlike her to have a single strand out of place. Her eyes were electric with anxiety. It wasn't because of me. however. It was because of her Woman's Club election.
"No, just a little tired." I said.