But it didn't come out like one of her firm pronouncements that carried such muscle you couldn't help but believe. It came out more like a small prayer.
I whispered it myself when she closed the door behind her and left me in my childhood sanctuary, surrounded by my dolls, my beautiful pink world of dreams and fantasies where people were always forgiven for their little failures and where tomorrow always began with a breakfast full of new promises.
5
A Sudden Syndrome
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Mommy had already eaten her dinner in her
room. so Miguel and I had dinner together. I could see he was sorry for yelling at me earlier. He confessed to being more high strung and neryous than he had ever been. and he admitted it was all because of his concern for little Claude.
"I thought you said he was doing fine and would be coming home sooner than you thought."
"We're not really out of the woods yet. Hannah." he revealed. "Your mother won't let me pretend we are. I just don't want her blaming herself for waiting too long before deciding to have another child. I was part of that decision. too."
"Why did you wait so long then. Miguel?" I asked. I never believed Mommy's career was a good enough excuse for putting off another child. She would manage it now, wouldn't she?
Why couldn't she manage it ten years ago?
"As you know. she took longer to complete her education. She never liked leaving you even with your nanny for such long periods. Afterward. I wanted your mother to get her sea legs, so to speak, to develop her career and feel strongly enough about herself. It's really impossible for you and for me to truly appreciate how difficult her early life was living as a stepchild in a home where she really had only the nanny to think of as family, and then to come into all these problems here. When you consider all that, you realize how remarkable a woman she is, what a remarkable woman she has become," he said.
Of course. I had no doubt about that. nor did I ever doubt that I had a wonderful mother. I think what made me distrust and wander about my father the most. in fact. was that he could ever have done anything that would result in his losing her. Danielle was sweet, but she was like a bump in the road compared to a mountain when it came to putting her up against my mother.
"Some men don't want women who challenge them or compete with them." Mommy once explained when she was talking about my father and Danielle. "They don't want a woman who can see their flaws and failures. That puts too much weight on their egos. I'm sure your father is very happy with Danielle. I was tight shoes. Danielle is comfy soft slippers."
"Then why did he want to marry you in the first place?" I asked.
"Probably that same ego at work. He thought he might be able to turn me into another trinket." She squinted and smiled. "I was more like a pin poking his balloon of hot, selfish air.
'But," she added, "he's capable of giving you as much love as he is capable of giving anyone, so don't let me tout you off him.
You develop your own relationship with him and trust your own instincts. Hannah," she advised, putting on her psychologist's face.
Does anyone live in aworld that is
uncomplicated and simple? I wondered, Psychologists and counselors were as much a necessity in this world as medical doctors. No wonder Mommy was always busy.
After Miguel and I had dinner. I went up to see her, but she was dozing off already so I went to my room and completed my homework. I was about to go to sleep when my phone rang. It was Heyden.
"I just had a conversation with my father," he began. "Really? Where?"
"He called me to explain himself. I don't know why he waited so long. He said he was traveling and wanted to get settled in somewhere first. He and his quintet have a gig that will last six months in New Orleans."
"What did he say?"
He tried to explain himself, of course. He moaned and groaned about my mother, how hard it has been for him to live with her because she is so oblivious. He knows he has neglected Elisha and me, and he made promises that he would try to get to see us more. Promises like checks written on water. Anyway, he swore that he was sending money. He said he was particularly concerned that I would drop out of school. He thinks I have talent."
"He's right about that."
"In the end I couldn't get myself to hate him. I was angry. but I just couldn't tell him to go to hell, if you know what I mean. In fact. I'm calling you because I figured you were someone who would know exactly what I mean. You still get along with your father, don't you?"
"In a vague sort of way, yes. I'm not in love with my half brothers, and my father's family has nothing whatsoever to do with me."
"Still, you manage to hold on to something. I'll see if that will be true for me as well. We'll see." he added. "Anyway, I'll be in school tomorrow."
"Good."