"Which doesn't surprise me." he said. "The drugs she uses and the music she blasts through her head have blown out half her brain."
He paused and squinted a little as he ran his eyes over my face. "Something wrong?" he asked. "You look down."
I told him what had happened with little Claude and the way Mommy had behaved.
"It's been so long since she was a mother. I guess she's just very nervous." he said. I thought it was ironic that he was the one finding ways to defend her. If he only knew how much she wanted me to stop investing my time and emotions in him and his family problems, he might not be so charitable. I thought.
"I know what SIDS means. I'm nervous, too, but no one seems to notice." I moaned.
Heyden nodded. but I could see he didn't fully appreciate how I felt. Not being noticed in his own home was not as unusual for him as it was for me. At the moment I wondered who was really better off. When you don't have many expectations, even in relation to the people you love and who are supposed to love you, you don't suffer disappointment or sadness as often. I envied him his independence.
I told him why I couldn't be at his house for another rehearsal: my half brothers' birthday.
"They never treat me like a sister, but my father tries to keep our relationship alive." I explained.
"Your life is so complicated." he said, his voice dripping with disappointment. "Maybe we're just fooling Ourselves about the music and performing."
"My life is not so complicated. Heyden. We'll rehearse tomorrow night. I promise," I said.
I hadn't seen his skeptical look for some time now, but it was there again
, seemingly emerging from the darkest places in his heart.
"We'll set," he said, sounding as uncommitted as he could.
It bothered me all day. My twin half brothers would certainly not appreciate my being at the dinner as much as Heyden would appreciate my being with him. but I couldn't help wanting to be with Daddy. Little Claude's arrival, as wonderful as it really was, left me feeling like a small boat left out at sea, searching desperately for a lifeline. I was bobbing about on wave after wave of conflicting emotions. They twisted and turned like a tornado in my heart. Who could blame me for searching for blue skies?
I wasn't finding- them in my mind or outside. The sky became mare and more overcast as I returned from school. By the time I arrived at Java del Mar, there were sprinkles turning into a steady downpour. I put my briefcase aver my head and charged for the front door.
I could see that nothing had changed very much at home. The downstairs was deserted, few lights on. Although Mommy was out of bed, she was still locked up in her bedroom, hovering about little Claude, monitoring his every breath and movement. She looked up quickly when I came pounding up the stairway and rushed to her door.
"Easy, easy," she ordered. "You'll frighten the baby and bring in a cold draft."
"I was just anxious to see how he was doing." I said.
She shook her head. "He's doing all right, but he has to be watched carefully."
"You'll make yourself sick jumping at every movement he makes," I said.
She turned to me with a face I couldn't recall ever seeing. From the way she had described her to me, I imagined it was just the sort of face she had often seen turned on her by her stepmother. The anger around her eyes made them dark, and her lips thinned and whitened in the corners.
"An infant is completely helpless. Hannah. He doesn't understand what's happening to him. Of course I have to study every movement he makes. I'm surprised at you for saying something like that."
"I just... I was just worried about you," I said.
"Worry about little Claude, not me." she snapped, and then she turned back to the baby. I was about to leave when she spun around and cried. "Hannah!"
"What?"
"I don't understand you."
"What? I told you I was just worried about you and--"
"I don't mean this. I just remembered what Lila came to tell me a few hours ago. Did you go into that bedroom and make a mess of it?" she shrilled.
I simply stood there gaping back at her. For a moment or two I went numb inside. This morning when I had awakened, what I had done had seemed more like a dream,
'How could you do something like that and especially now? What's going on in your head? Well?"