It took a while for me to slip under the blanket on this beautiful bed. The bedding smelled fresh and clean, and I imagined that Bess tack care of this room just the way she had taken care of it when Rosemary was alive and here. But lowering myself into this bed was truly like lowering myself into someone else's dreams.
A layer of clouds broke apart in the night sky, permitting a sliver of moonlight to cut through the darkness and pour through the curtains. Macabre shapes and shadows danced on the walls, imps and elves, nymphs and ogres, a variety of creatures silhouetted to perform on a nightmarish stage. I wanted to shut my eyes to them. but I couldn't. They were too powerful, too demanding.
Was this the way Rosemary went to sleep every night? Did she listen to the sounds in the house, hear muffled voices, soft crying, and realize she was hearing herself? Did she finally turn her back on the gleeful puppets dancing on the walls and close her eyes tightly, willing herself to remember laughter and song, birthdays and parties?
Like Rosemary, I have been told in so many different ways that I am not my father's daughter. He sired me. but I have been told I shouldn't want to be his daughter, that he is so different from me, from what is good in me, Like Rosemary. I have felt disappointment and betrayal, and like Rosemary, I am lying here feeling alone, confused, and lost. Where should I go? Whom should I trust?
I had the strange feeling that time was standing still, that the winds had stopped and all the clouds were pasted far the moment against the inky sky. Everyone in the world was holding his or her breath. Birds were frozen in the air. The earth itself had stopped turning on its axis. Only I could move, but it was as if I was moving through a set on a movie stage. I could touch things, touch people. but I felt nothing and they felt nothing. I couldn't scream or shout because it would all be stopped at my mouth and come back at me, echoing down through my very bones. I couldn't even tremble.
Almost in a panic. I battled to take a breath and then, as if my breath had done it, the door of the bedroom opened, the light behind it spilling in and followed by the silhouetted Bess dressed in her nightgown, tiptoing toward me, her arms folded under her breasts. She paused at the side of the bed.
"Rosemary," she whispered. "Are you still awake?"
Should I answer? I thought, but before I could decide, my mouth and tongue, controlled by something greater than myself or by something in me that made those decisions instinctively. replied.
"Yes."
"Oh, good, I was having a hard time falling asleep myself." she said and sat on the bed. She reached out and stroked my hair.
"It was such a shock for me when you told me you were having your first period. I don't know why our bodies are in such a rush. What's the point of having a twelve-year-old girl become capable of having a baby? She's still a baby herself, her mother's baby.
"It's a nasty trick that Nature pulls on us. I've barely had time to explain things to you, to warn you about boys. They live for only one thing, you know. Just like all the animals out there. They can't help it, I suppose, but that doesn't mean we have to be victims, now, does it? No, of course not.
"And just because you get married, don't think you're safe. Rosemary. Husbands don't care how difficult they can make it for their wives. They are truly God's most selfish creatures. Oh. I know they tell us that they can't help it. They have needs and those needs are in them from birth, but we all have needs and that doesn't mean we should be
inconsiderate of others, does it?
"Of course it doesn't. If I'm too tired or not well. I shouldn't have to make him happy. He shouldn't blame me, and he shouldn't tell you that I'm the one who's selfish, now, should he?
"No, he shouldn't," she said. She sighed. "I wish we could all just get along. If everyone first thought about making someone else happy first, the world would be a happier place, wouldn't it?
"Of course it would." She stroked my hair again. "You just sleep and don't worry. Mommy will make sure it's all right. This getting your period isn't the end of the world. Well, maybe it's the end of one world, but it doesn't have to be a nasty thing. Just listen to me." she said and leaned closer,
"You have to think of what you have the way you would think of a safe. If you don't keep it locked, some selfish boy will take your treasure and leave you. Oh, he might promise he won't, but he will, because he won't be able to stop thinking of another treasure, and another. You're the poorer one for it. Rosemary. I know I
was,
"Are you still having those cramps? Why do you think it's so unpleasant? I'll tell you why. It's because it's a warning. Every cramp is another alarm bell. Watch out Beware. Keep the safe locked,
"There. I've told you some great secrets that only a mother and a daughter can share. Someday, when it's the right time for you, you will have a daughter and you will share the same secret. I hope."
She looked back at the door.
"He's waiting for me." she said. "He's been making all sorts of new promises. He has an endless well of promises, pulling up new ones constantly. Promises are contracts signed with dew. As soon as the sun comes up, they're gone.
"But you don't have to trouble yourself about any of this Just think of sugarcane and bubbles, lollipops and magic, tinsel and crepe paper.
Tomorrow, you and I will go for a walk to the lake, and just like always, we'll look for interesting flowers and toss little rocks in the water and listen to the birds gossip about us. okay?
"Nothing has changed, not really. You're still my little Rosemary."
She leaned over and kissed my forehead and then stood up.
"If he wants to go, he'll go. But you will never leave me, would you?"
"No," I said, seeing she was waiting for a reply. "Good. Sleep tight, my sweetheart. Sleep well."
She turned and walked slowly out, moving in a dream again. and then she closed the door behind her. The clouds that had parted closed again, shutting away the sliver of moonlight. The room was completely dark. I hadn't moved a muscle.