I think I began by feeling the sorriest for Danielle, of course, but at the funeral and afterward, despite how he had treated me all my life. I ached for Adrian. He looked amputated, half of him gone. He did everything with an air of tentativeness and uncertainty, whether it be speaking or merely standing. I could see him checking for his brother at his side and saw how he realized he was gone, forever and ever. It would be as if his sentences were only half completed, his laughter unfinished. Words spoken to a trusted second half would fall back into thoughts. Everywhere he went and every place he stood would seem deeper, wider. longer. Every sound he made would echo.
At the cemetery he looked years younger, a little boy clinging to Danielle, who was overcome with grief. It wasn't until then that Daddy appeared dazed. He was so calm and collected at church and af
terward, greeting people with his professional, distinguished manner. Only when he looked at Mommy did I see his lips quiver. He and Mommy embraced far the longest time I had ever seen them hold each other, and I thought, how odd that is to see your mother and your father hold each other and think of it as remarkable. He smiled when I kissed him and then patted my hand as if I was the one who had experienced the deepest loss and not him or Danielle.
My nonfamily seemed impatient at church. I saw my younger cousins squirming uncomfortably, Asher Eaton, still a very distinguished-looking man, had the most sensitive and deeply saddened look of all on his face. Occasionally I caught him looking my way. and I thought he was even smiling at me. Bunny Eaton had her eyes closed as if she were sitting in a dentist's chair and waiting for it all to end. She did not come to the cemetery. I overheard someone in my nonfamily say she had never been in a cemetery, and when she is driving somewhere and a cemetery appears, she turns away quickly or closes her eyes.
Later we learned that their solution to all this grief was to jet off to Paris for a shopping spree. Not once did I hear anyone voice what was on most everyone's mind: The accident was the result of Daddy's spoiling those boys. They weren't mature enough to own and operate such a powerful boat. They didn't have the self-discipline.
And then, as if impish Fate were sprinkling salt on wounds, the sordid story of Daddy's current infidelity snaked its way into our home over the rumor highway.
"Your father's marriage is coming apart. Hannah," Mommy warned me soon afterward. "It wasn't strong enough in the beginning and hardly strong enough to weather such a tragedy and all these new complications."'
In the end Adrian went off with Danielle to live in France with her family. I never had a chance to say goodbye to him. Just like all the news I learned about that family, I heard about it from friends who were mare tuned into the Palm Beach social scene than I was, I was sorry I had never had a chance to say goodbye to Danielle. I liked her. Perhaps I would see her again and even see Adrian someplace. sometime. An unpredictable future carried hope with it That was its best asset after all.
Despite my interest in a musical career or maybe because of it, I followed Mommy's advice and decided to pursue a liberal arts education first. I was starting my senior year. and Mommy and I began to think about colleges for me to consider. My life began to take some shape. and I could feel myself moving forward like a rocket that had dropped away its initial lift and was now sailing with a definite sense of purpose.
Of course. I continued to visit Uncle Linden as often and for as long a visit as I could manage, and Mommy and Miguel had him visiting us at Joya del Mar more frequently. Mrs. Stanton had written to him to tell him how much Bess appreciated his picture. I called her and she told me Bess was doing better, and, because of our visit, she had gone ahead and made arrangements for Bess to get professional help. It was working. Bess had even gone to the cemetery.
In the fall Mommy made arrangements for Uncle Linden to visit the Stantons. It was her birthday present to him. She took care of all the transportation. He called a day after he had arrived there, especially to tell me that he had taken Bess on that walk and that he was inspired to do a picture of the lake despite the fence. which Chubs might soon take down anyway.
"I'm like Bess." Uncle Linden said. "I don't see the fence. I see the water and the ducks and the reflection of the foliage on the silvery surface."
"I can't wait to see your picture, Uncle Linden," I told him. He promised that I would be the first, after Bess, of course.
One afternoon in October I returned from school and found a letter waiting for me on the entryway table. There was simply an HR and a New Orleans address on it. My heart immediately began to pound like a Caribbean steel drum. I didn't open it until I was out by the beach. There. I plopped myself down in the sand and with trembling fingers tore open the envelope. A clipping fell out first. It was from a music handout in New Orleans, and it featured Heyden with his guitar under the headline Something Original in N'orleans. It talked about his songs being featured at a nightclub and how he was part of his father's act now, handling the intermissions and building his own reputation.
There was a letter included.
Dear Hannah, It has taken me this long to write to you because I have not had the nerve to expect you would bother opening an envelope that I would send to you. I debated leaving my name and address of but then I thought I would never know if had received it, and besides, it was cowardly.
What I did to you in South Carolina was the most cowardly and selfish thing I have ever done, and I hope you believe me when I tell you not a day has gone by since when I don't stop and suffer regret about it.
I can't offer a decent defense of myself except to repeatwhat I had said that day. I had nothing to return to compared to you I have another confession to make to that regard.
When you first came to me with your troubles, I knew in my heart that you were better off staying where you were and working them out because I knew in my heart that you had a loving mother and from
what I saw of your stepfather, a very dedicated and loving man at home as well. I didn't discourage you when it came to running, away because I wanted a means to run away myself
However, believe me when I tell you I truly felt and still feel that we would have made a wonderful and successful act. I was just selfish of me to put that ahead of your own happiness.
As you can see, I'm beginning to get somewhere in this music business. It's not a great deal, but it's a start and I have grown closer to my father. We both feel bad about Elisha, and it our hope that someday she can come to New Orleans. My mother seems content without all the problems. Perhaps she -was just not meant to be a mother. I don't love her any less for it, but I don't think there is anything I can do, and I know she wouldn't want me to waste my life trying.
I've written a song about you. I'm refining; it, but I expect to be singing it soon. Maybe someday someone will record it and you will hear it and you will think of me and the good times we had together and nor the bad times. That's all I can expect and all I can ask.
As you know, your name means grace," so I call the song"With the Grace of Her Smile.-
With the grace of her smile she lights up my day,
With the grace of her smile she drives the dark away,
With the grace of her smile she opens my heart
And with the glow of that smile, I can feel my life start.-That's how it begins. I won't put it all here, I want you to hear it. The music is so important to it, and I'd like you have some surprises. Good surprises from me for a change.
I -wonder if you're smiling or if you're crumpling this up and tossing it the the garbage. I can't blame you if you do. I can only hope you don't, but not so long ago, although it seems so, you taught me how to hope.
Heyden