It was as if the air had one out of the room and my lungs had filled with steam.
I saw her face. I could see her lips moving, and then all went dark.
12
Twenty Dozen Roses
.
Of course I wondered what Randy had been
doing in Phoebe's car. I thought they were mad at him for defending me. and I thought he would have nothing more to do with them. I couldn't imagine what had they promised him to get him to go along. I was sure they had amused themselves with his defense of me and his feelings for me.
The accident was on everyone's mind and lips at school. As the details emerged I learned that Phoebe hadn't put on her seat belt, and even though her air bag had gone off, she had been thrown from the vehicle. Roger had his seat belt on, and the air bag saved his life and kept him from anything but some minor abrasions. Ashley had been in the car, too, but she had been thrown into the front seat which cushioned her impact. Even so, she had a broken arm. Fortunately, her sister wasn't along.
The events laid a cloud of gloom over the student body, and the dark depression was heaviest and most noticeable at lunch. The ordinarily loud, cacophonous cafeteria was quite subdued, the clang of dishes, silverware, and pats and pans heard over every conversation. If someone laughed others stopped talking and looked his or her way, and the laugh was cut short.
Of course we all knew that none of us was invulnerable. Death could come knocking on our doors any time it wished. The natural order of things-- birth, youth and strength, maturity and accomplishment, retirement and wisdom, age and death-- had been dramatically changed, however, and for a while at least each of us saw his or her own mortality reflected in poor Randy's passing. It was almost as if death had cheated and won unfairly, broken rules. It shook up our world, made the ground tremble beneath our feet, took the wind out of our sails, and left us drifting. The moment of silence the principal asked far over the PA system in the morning set the tone for the remainder of the day.
I sensed that if it had been Phoebe who had died instantly instead of Randy, her friends surely would have turned their grief and anger in my direction, expecting that I would be pleased. After all, she had in a true sense declared war an me in this school, and it was to be assumed I would feel some kind of victory.
However, they were all just as aware of how close Randy and I had become. Whatever condition Phoebe was in, she was still alive, and my closest ally was gone, an innocent, gentle person was gone. So instead of searching my face for glee, they fixed their eyes on me in anticipation of tears and gloom. For the most part they got it. Every time I looked at Randy's empty desk or turned in expectation of his coming up beside ine, my eyes glossed over and I eventually had to wipe a fugitive tear from my cheeks.
By the end of the day Wally worked up the courage to speak to me. He caught up with me in the hallway after the final bell, "Hey," he said, touching my arm.
I turned to him. For most of the day I felt as if I was just making the motions, moving in a
semiconscious state, drifting, staring at nothing, rarely hearing the teachers' voices.
"I just can't believe it," he said when I just looked at him. "I was almost in that car myself. I couldn't get away. My father had been doing stuff at the house.'
"Lucky you." I said. He nodded and shifted his eves niftily toward the floor. "How's Roger?"
"He'll be back in school tomorrow. He's just shaken up badly. I spoke to him at lunchtime. He asked about you."
"He just thought... with what happened to Randy..."
"Why did he go with them, Wally? I thought Phoebe was mad at him!"
"I don't know," he said quickly, keeping his eyes down.
"I don't believe you. I had just spoken with him, and he had told me she was upset at the way he was defending me.-
"I don't know," he said, waving his head. Then he looked at me. "I think she told him they were trying to find a way to make friends, that it had all gone wrong and she wanted it to be right. Maybe she was teasing him. I don't know. You know how she can be."
"Right. I know, and it didn't take me long. Look how long it's taking you."
"No one wanted him to die. Grace. Man oh man, everyone's sick about it. especially Roger. He often tried to protect him. You saw that. He hated when I teased him."
I softened a bit. That was tile. I thought. "How did this accident really happen, Wally?"
"Hey," he said, holding up his hands, "I don't know. I wasn't there."
"Right." I said. "hear no evil, see no evil." I turned to continue out of the building.
"I don't know." he insisted, coming up beside me. "Roger said that she was just driving way too fast."
"And that was all that was wrong with her?" I cross-examined, my eyes like steel,