Dawn (Cutler 1)

"Daddy's and Momma's relatives won't know anything if we don't tell them. We'll tell them about Momma dying, but we'll make up another reason for Daddy's being in prison."

"Oh, I don't know, Dawn . . ."

"Please, Jimmy. I can't stay here."

"Oh, things are bound to get better for you, a whole lot better than they would be in Georgia. Besides, I told you, if you ran off with me, they'd surely send someone after us, and we'd only be caught."

I nodded and looked into his soft, sympathetic eyes.

"Doesn't all this seem like one long, terrible nightmare sometimes, Jimmy? Don't you just hope you will wake up and it will all have been a horrible dream? Maybe if we wish hard enough."

I closed my eyes.

"I wish I could lock out all the bad things that had happened to us and put us in a magical place where we could live out our deepest, most secret dreams, a place where nothing ugly or sordid could touch us."

“So do I, Dawn,” he whispered. I felt him lean toward me and then I felt his breath on my lips before I felt his lips. When we kissed, my body softened, and I thought how right it would have been for Jimmy to be the one to have taken me from girlhood innocence into a woman’s world. I had always felt safe with him, no matter where we went or what we did, because I sensed how much he cared for me and how important it was to him that I be happy and secure. Tragedy and hardship had tied us together as brother and sister and now it seemed only right, even our destiny, that romantic love bind us together.

But Phillip’s attack had stolen away the enchantment that comes when a girl willingly casts off her veil of innocence and enters maturity hand in hand with someone who loves her. I felt stained, polluted, spoiled. Jimmy felt me tense up.

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, thinking it was his kiss that had done it.

“It’s all right, Jimmy,” I said.

“No, it’s not all right. I’m sure you can’t stop seeing me beside you on one of our pull-out couches. I can’t stop seeing you as my sister. I want to love you; I do love you, but it’s going to take time?otherwise we won’t feel clean and right about it,” he explained.

He tried to look away, but slowly he was drawn back to me, his eyes so full of torment. It made my heart pound to see how much he loved and wanted me and yet his deep sense of morality kept hi chained back. My impulses, my unleashed sexuality thrashed about like a spoiled child, demanding satisfaction, but the wiser part of me agreed with Jimmy and loved him more for showing his wisdom. He was right?if we rushed into things, we would suffer regret. Our confused consciences could turn us away from each other afterward, and our love would never grow to be pure and good.

"Of course you're right, Jimmy," I said, "but I always loved you as much as a sister could love her brother, and now I promise to learn to love you the way a woman should love a man, no matter how long it takes me and how long I have to wait."

"Do you mean that, Dawn?"

"I do, Jimmy."

He smiled and kissed me softly again, but even that short, gentle peck on the cheek sent an electric thrill through my body.

"I should leave tonight," he said.

"Please don't, Jimmy. I'll stay with you all night," I said. "And we'll talk until you can't keep your eyelids open."

He laughed.

"All right, but I should leave early in the morning," he said. "The truckers get started early, and they're the best chance I got to get rides."

"I'll get you breakfast when I go to eat with the rest of the staff. That's early. And we'll have a little more time together.

"But do you promise that when you get to Georgia, you'll write and tell me where you are?" I asked. Just the thought of his leaving and being so far .way from me now made me feel sick inside.

"Sure. And as soon as I earn enough money on my own, I'll come back to see you."

"Promise?"

“Yes.”

We lay together on the bunk, me snuggled in his arm, and talked about our dreams. Jimmy had never had his mind set on being anything before, but now he talked about joining the air force when he was old enough and maybe becoming a pilot.

"But what if there was a war, Jimmy? I'd feel terrible and worry all the time. Why don't you think about being something else, like a lawyer or a doctor or—"

"Come on, Dawn. Where am I going to get enough money to go to a college?"