Darkest Hour (Cutler 5)

at she meant. But that night at dinner, she opened the Bible and chose her passage from I Kings. With her eyes fixed on me as furiously as always, she read.

" 'And it came to pass, as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jerobo-am the son of Ne-bat, that he took to wife Jez-e-bel, the daughter of Eth-ba-al king of the Zi-do-ni-ans, and went and served Ba-al, and worshipped him.' "

When she was finished reading, I caught Papa looking at me in a strange way again, only this time he looked like he was thinking Emily might be right, I might be the daughter of evil. I became very self-conscious and shifted my eyes away quickly.

With Emily hovering over me like a hawk about to leap, I found myself torn between the feelings that grew and developed, feelings that made me want to be with boys, especially Niles, and feelings of guilt. If Niles had liked my smile before, he seemed to be hypnotized by me now. I don't think I ever turned around in class without finding him gazing at me, his dark eyes soft and full of interest. I felt myself blush all over, the tingle that rested constantly just under my breasts spiraling turbulently through my stomach and down through my thighs. I thought everyone could see my feelings on my face for sure, and hid my eyes quickly after checking first to be sure Emily wasn't watching. Almost always, she was.

Now, on our walks home from school, Emily always lingered behind so as to walk behind Niles and me and not ahead. The twins complained about her slow gait, but Emily ignored them or told them to just go on ahead. Of course, Niles felt Emily's eyes, too, and understood that he had to keep a respectable gap between us. If we exchanged books or papers, we had to be sure our fingers didn't touch in front of Emily.

One afternoon that spring, however, we were granted a respite from Emily's watchful eyes. Miss Walker asked her to remain after school to help her with some paperwork. Emily enjoyed the added responsibility and the sense of power and authority it gave her, so she quickly agreed.

"Be sure you go right home," she warned me at the door. She looked at Niles and the twins who waited for me. "And be sure you do nothing to bring shame to the Booths."

"I'm a Booth, too," I spit back at her. She smirked and turned away.

I was in a rage most of the walk home. The twins, in their usual hurry, walked more quickly than Niles and I did. Before long, they were out of sight. He and I had been practicing our Latin lesson, reciting conjugations back and forth when suddenly he stopped and looked toward a pathway they went off to the right. We were very close to the turnoff to his house.

"There is a great pond in here," he said. "It's fed by a small waterfall and the water is so clear, you can see the fish swimming in schools. Would you like to see it? It's only a little way in," he said, and then he added, "It's like my own secret place. When I was little, I used to think it was a magical place. I still do," he confessed and shifted his eyes away shyly.

I couldn't help but smile. Niles wanted to share something secret with me. I was sure he had never told another soul, not even his sisters, how he felt about the pond. I was both flattered and excited by his trust in me.

"If it's really only a little way in," I said. "I've got to get home."

"It is," he promised. "Come on." With a bold move, he reached out and took my hand. Then he charged of the road, tugging me along quickly. I laughed and protested, but he kept trotting until suddenly, just as he had promised, we came upon a small pond, hidden in the woods. We stood gazing across the water at the waterfall. A crow swooped down from a tree and glided across. The bushes and grass around the pond looked greener, plusher than everywhere else, and the water was uniquely clear. I could see the schools of small fish moving with such synchronization that they looked like they had rehearsed an underwater ballet. A large bullfrog on a half-submerged log gazed at us and then croaked.

"Oh Niles," I said. "You were right. This is a magical place!'

"I thought you'd like it," he said, smiling. He was still holding my hand. "I always come here when something makes me sad and in moments, I feel happy again. And you know what," he said, "if you want to make a wish for something, just kneel down, put the tips of your fingers into the water, close your eyes and wish."

"Really?"

"Go on," he coaxed. "Try it."

I took a deep breath and thought I'd wish for something titillating. I wished that Niles and I could exchange a kiss. I couldn't help myself because when I closed my eyes, I saw us doing it. After I dipped my fingers in the water, I stood up again and opened my eyes.

"You can tell me your wish if you want," he said. "It won't stop it from coming true."

"I can't," I said. I don't know if I was blushing or if he could see my wish in my eyes, but he looked like he understood.

"You know what I did yesterday?" he said. "I came here and wished that somehow, I would be able to get you to come here and see the pond. And look," he said, holding out his arms. "You're here. Do you want to tell me your wish now?" I shook my head. "I wished for something else," he said. His eyes turned softer, meeting and locking with mine. "I wished that you would be the first girl I ever kissed."

The moment he said it, I felt my heart stop and then begin to pound. How could he have wished for the same thing and at this very spot? Was this really a magical pond? I looked at the water again and then turned back to him. I saw his eyes, his dark eyes wistfully waiting, and I closed mine. With my heart thumping, I started to lean toward him and then felt the soft, warm touch of his lips on mine. It was a quick kiss, almost too quick to believe it had happened, but it had. When I opened my eyes, I found him still so close, his lips could touch mine in an instant again. He opened his eyes, too, and then he stepped back.

"Don't be angry," he said quickly. "I couldn't help myself."

"I'm not angry."

"You're not?"

"No." I bit down on my lips and then I confessed it. "I wished for the same thing," I said, and turned quickly to run back up the path before my heart burst. I charged out on the road, gasping for breath. My hair had broken loose and fell about my forehead and cheeks. For a moment I was so excited, I didn't see her. But when I turned and looked in the direction of the school, there was Emily, plodding along. She stopped in her tracks. A moment later, Niles emerged from the woods, too.

And my heart which had become as light as a feather turned into a lump of lead. Without hesitation, I ran all the way home, Emily's accusing eyes chasing me. I could hear her screaming, "Jezebel," even after I had closed the door behind me.

5

FIRST LOVE

I sat on my bed in my room, shivering with fear. I didn't see Mamma when I walked into the house, but when I passed Papa's office, I saw the door was opened and I caught a glimpse of him working at his desk, a spiral of smoke rising from his big cigar in the ashtray, his tumbler of bourbon and mint beside it. He didn't look up from his papers. I hurried upstairs and fixed my hair, but no matter how hard I scrubbed my cheeks, I couldn't get the redness out of them. I would look guilty and ashamed for the rest of my life, I thought. And why? What did I do that was so terrible?