Darkest Hour (Cutler 5)

ight and narrow, Lillian. Hear?"

"Yes, Papa."

"No more side trips with the Thompson boy or any other boy for that matter. Any boy wants to court you right and proper, he comes to see me first. Make that clear to each and every one of them and you won't get into any trouble, Lillian,"

"I didn't do anything bad, Papa," I said.

"Maybe not, but if it looks bad, it is bad. That's the way things are and you had better remember it," he said. "Why, in my time if a young woman took a walk into the forest with a man and was unchaperoned, the man had to marry her or she'd be considered spoiled."

I stared at him a moment. Why was the woman the only one thought spoiled? Why not the man, too? Why was it men could risk such things, but women couldn't? I wondered. And what about the time I had come upon Papa and Darlene Scott during one of our grand barbecues. The memory was still quite vivid, but I dared not mention it even though that remained in my mind as something that didn't just look bad, but was bad.

"All right," Papa said, "remember, not a word of this to your mother. It will remain a buried secret between you and me."

"And Emily," I reminded him bitterly.

"Emily does whatever I tell her to do and always will," he declared. Then he turned around and went to the door. He looked back at me once, his stern face slipping into a quick smile. Just as quickly, he got hold of himself and scowled before leaving me alone to think about the strange thing that had just happened between us. I couldn't wait to go down to tell Eugenia.

Eugenia wasn't having a good, day. Lately, she was relying more and more on her breathing machines and taking more medicine. Her afternoon naps stretched longer and longer until sometimes it seemed like she was asleep more than she was awake. She looked even paler to me and much skinnier. Even the slightest degenerations in her health frightened me, so whenever I saw her this way, my heart would thump very hard and I could barely swallow. I entered her room and found she was lying in bed, her head looking smaller and smaller against her big, fluffy white pillow. It was as if she was sinking into the mattress, shriveling up before my eyes until soon she would disappear altogether. Despite her obvious discomfort and fatigue, her eyes lit up the moment I entered.

"Hi, Lillian."

She struggled to get her elbows under her torso and lift herself into a sitting position. I ran to her side and helped her. Then I fluffed up her pillow and made her as comfortable as I could. She asked for some water and sipped at it a bit.

"I've been waiting for you," she said, handing me the glass. "How was school today?"

"It was fine. What's the matter? Don't you feel well today?" I asked. I sat on her bed and held her small hand, a hand so small and soft it felt like it was made of air when it was in my palm.

"I'm all right," she said quickly. "Tell me about school. Did you do anything new?"

I told her about our math and history lessons quickly and about Robert Martin dipping Erna Elliot's pigtail in the inkwell.

"When she stood up, the ink dripped down the back of her dress. Miss Walker was furious. She took Robert out and whacked him so hard with the yard-stick, we heard him wailing through the walls. He won't sit down for a week of Sundays," I said, and Eugenia laughed. But her laugh turned into a terrible cough that seized her so firmly, I thought she would shatter. I held her and patted her back gently until the coughing stopped. Her face was red and she looked like she couldn't breathe.

"I'll get Mamma," I cried, and started to stand, but she grabbed my hand with surprising strength and shook her head.

"It's all right," she said in a whisper. "It happens often. It'll be all right."

I bit down on my lip and swallowed my tears and then sat beside her again.

"Where were you?" she asked. "Why did it take you so long to come here?"

I took a deep breath and told her the story. She loved hearing about the magic pond and when I told her about my wish and about Niles's wishes and what we had done, her face flushed so with excitement, she forgot being sick and bounced on the bed, pleading with me to describe it all over again, this time with more detail. I hadn't even gotten to the horrid part. Once again, I told her how Niles had asked me to go with him to see his special place. I told her about the birds and the frogs, but that wasn't what she wanted to hear. She wanted to know exactly what it was like to be kissed on the lips by a boy.

"It happened so fast I don't remember," I said. Her face filled so with disappointment that I reconsidered and added, "But I remember it made me shiver a little bit." Eugenia nodded, her eyes wide. "And after a moment . . ."

"What after a moment?" she asked quickly.

"The shiver turned into a wave of warmth. My heart began to pound. I was so close to him, I could look right into his eyes and see my own reflection on his pupils."

Eugenia's mouth remained open.

"Then I got scared and ran out of the forest and that's when Emily saw me," I said, and told her what had happened as a result. She listened with interest when I told her how Papa had behaved like a detective, making me recreate what he thought was the way things had happened.

"He thought Niles had put his hand into your blouse?"

"Uh-huh." I was too embarrassed to tell her how long Papa had kept his fingers on my breasts. Eugenia was just as confused about his behavior as I was, but she didn't dwell on it. Instead, she took my hands into hers and tried to reassure me.

"Emily is just jealous, Lillian. Don't let her tell you what to do," she said.