Twilight's Child (Cutler 3)

"What? Why not?" he demanded, his face turning beet red.

"I told you, Jimmy. There are secrecy laws, and we just can't break them. Mr. Updike advised me to stop."

"As far as I can see, rich people break laws whenever they have the need to, and then they hire fancy lawyers like Mr. Updike to make it all right. Maybe we need a different lawyer for this," he suggested. "One who's not so law-abiding. Anyway, why didn't you tell me we didn't have a detective working on it anymore?"

"I didn't want to make you unhappy, Jimmy."

"That wasn't right, Dawn. You should have told me. Daddy's been thinking we had the detective working all this time, too." He shook his head. "It wasn't right."

"Jimmy, even if we do find her, it's going to be strange for her. She's almost ten by now," I reminded him. "And she's been living with another family under another name. Most likely they never told her she was adopted. We might do more harm than good at this point."

"I'm surprised at you, Dawn," he said, his eyes full of pain and anger. "If she was really your sister again, you would think differently, I'm sure." He turned and charged off, leaving me sitting in the gazebo.

My heart felt like a chunk of lead in my chest, and I felt the blood drain from my face. Jimmy had never before looked at me that angrily, nor had I ever hurt him that deeply. I was dumbfounded, shocked at myself. Why did I wait so long to tell him, and how could I make such a cold statement to him? It was as if Grandmother Cutler had put the words into my mouth.

I hurried after him and found that he had gone to the other side of the house and was just staring off at the horizon.

"Oh, Jimmy," I said, embracing him, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hide anything from you, and I didn't mean to say those things. Of course we should find Fern. Of all people, I should remember how important it is to know who you really are. I don't know what came over me in there. I guess I'm just frustrated and unhappy about not getting pregnant. I know how much you want it."

"Don't you want it, too, Dawn?" he asked, his eyes shifting toward mine, searching, penetrating, digging for the truth.

"Yes, Jimmy, I do. I really do," I said with all my heart. He let out a deep breath.

"Okay," he said. "I'll go see Daddy by myself this time." "Jimmy, if you really want me to go. . ."

"No," he said. "You might be right about it. Anyway, I won't be there long."

"I'll miss you no matter how short the time you're away," I said.

He kissed me, but it was as if a tiny crack had started across the shiny veneer of our love and marriage. His kiss wasn't as long or as hard, and as soon as he had given it he hurried off to pack.

I went dead inside. I felt like a small bird left behind with winter rushing down over the hills.

12

RELIVING AN OLD NIGHTMARE

JIMMY LEFT EARLY THE NEXT MORNING. IT WAS COMPLETELY overcast, with thick layers of soiled gray clouds hovering above and threatening rain. Even the ocean looked ashen and drab, its morning tide churning with a dreary monotony. The winds were rough, seizing and shaking the trees mercilessly. I embraced myself while we waited on the porch for Julius to pick up Jimmy and take him to the airport. Christie had already gone to school, and Jimmy had said good-bye to her. All that remained were our good-byes. We were both putting them off until the final moment.

At breakfast our conversation centered around the list of things Jimmy had left for me to check for him at the hotel.

"I don't like rushing off like this," he said, "but if I don't just up and do it, I know I'll postpone it again and again."

"Don't worry, Jimmy," I assured him, "I'll see to it that everything you want done is done."

He nodded. We had been avoiding each other's eyes all morning. I had had a restless and troubled sleep, still regretting some of the things I had said to him and my reluctance to join him on his visit to Daddy Longchamp and his new family. I wanted to wake Jimmy up and apologize again and again, but he was in a deep sleep. I finally fell asleep myself just before morning and didn't even hear him get up and get dressed. I woke when I heard Mrs. Boston getting Christie ready for school.

Now we stood together watching the limousine approach. "Well, okay," Jimmy said, lifting his suitcase, "I'll call you sometime tonight."

He leaned in to kiss me. I tried to hold on to his shoulders. I wanted to keep his lips on mine for as long as I could, but he pulled away as the limousine came to a stop in front of us.

"Jimmy!" I cried, my hand out toward him. He turned back as Julius took his bag to put into the trunk.

"What?" His eyes met mine, and I saw tears there, unshed but shining.

"Be careful," I said.

"I'll try. I'll call you," he repeated, and he got into the limousine. I stood there feeling numb and tiny as Julius got back into the limousine and drove him off. I didn't go into the house until the car was gone from my sight. My heart felt so empty, hollowed out, each thump echoing louder in the vacant chambers.