Celeste (Gemini 1)

On the way there and an the way home, with even mater intensity than before. I felt myself gobbling up everything I could see. My eyes were everywhere, looking at everything, every person, every color, style of clothing, even every movement people made, especially young women. Mommy warned me about gaping, of course. but I couldn't stop myself. I tried looking forward, but my eyes seemed to have a mind of their awn, and like two steel marbles drawn to magnets, they shifted from one side to another.

By the time we got home. Mommy looked very annoyed with me. She rattled off some work for me to do and sent me to the barn to get tools. I worked, and I tried to forget, but it wasn't easy. The only place to go for any sort of peace of mind was back to the books and then, since the weather had turned so warm so quickly, finally back into the forest. Most of the trees were thick with leaves again, creating small shadowy areas. Walking within, I could look up through the translucent green ceilings and see a muffled sun. One day I just decided I would find a comfortable place and do my reading there, far from Mommy's critical or suspicious eyes.

"Don't leave our property," Mommy warned me. and I promised I never would without her permission or without her. Still, she looked unhappy about my going anywhere that was out of her sight.

Sometimes, to ease her mind. I would take my fishing gear along, even though I didn't do any fishing. Just south of the stream. I found an area shaded by pine trees. The perfumed air smelled wonderful, and my special place had a matted-down floor with rich, cool, dark earth. I could spread out, get some sunshine if I wanted, and relax. Squirrels and rabbits watched me curiously from a safe distance, twitching their noses to be sure the scents I brought with me didn't suggest anything threatening. Birds chirped and did their aerial acrobatics around me as if they had finally found an appreciative audience. Once. I saw a small doe. It was almost impossible to see it because it blended so well with the surrounding foliage, but I caught a slight movement of its ears, and then slowly I sat up and stared at it while it stared back at me.

"Hi," I said, and then it moved off quickly.

Our winter had been colder than usual, but our spring was already warmer and acting more like our summer. I wore my coveralls and my bland white short-sleeved shirt. I had brought Romeo and Juliet- with me because I wanted to reread it. I had read it quickly two years ago. and I was sure that I didn't understand or appreciate it then. As I read about their defiance and determination to be lovers, my heart pounded with excitement. Being something forbidden, their love seemed more intense.

I put the play aside and lay back to look up at the sky through the branches of the pine trees. For a while I just watched the way the clouds glided with a wonderful silence across the light, icy blue heavens. I closed my eyes and thought about Romeo and Juliet's first kiss. And then. I imagined it happening to me.

I, too, suddenly found a great need to be defiant, to be in danger and to taste that excitement. My hands moved over my body, exploring,

discovering. I slipped off the top of my coveralls and then lifted my shirt over my head. For a while I just lay there breathing hard, terrified of what I had already done, but now that I had. I couldn't stop myself from continuing. I undid the corset around my bosom until I was totally exposed to the air, my released breasts tingling with the sensation of being in the open, feeling the breeze over them. Slowly. I brought my fingertips to my nipples, and then I moaned and went on to slip completely out of my coveralls. I took off my underpants, and for a long, terrifying moment of exquisite excitement. I lay there naked and fully revealed.

Never had I done this outside my house. Waves of thrilling titillation flowed over me. I trembled so hard. I thought my bones were rattling. It felt like warm hands were moving up my thighs to my forbidden place. Suddenly there was such a rush of excitement-- like an explosion-- inside me. It was shockingly delicious and then so frightening. I hurried to put my clothing on again. As quickly as I could. I dressed and wrapped myself more tightly in the corset, pulling the strings until I could barely breathe. When that was done. I picked up my book and literally fled my wonderful spot.

Running helped me calm down. I ran as hard as I could until I broke out of the forest and then stopped at the edge of our meadow to catch my breath. My face was so hot. I knew it was crimson. I didn't go back to the house. I circled through the woods, found another shady spot, and rested.

That had happened? What had I done? All I could think was that Mommy would know the moment she set eyes on me. Or, worse yet, she would be told.

When I felt sufficiently calmed down. I walked slowly back to the house. I'm sure I entered like a prisoner entering death row in some penitentiary. Mommy stepped out of the living room. She had her needlework in hand.

"Oh. Noble," she said when she saw me. "I just had the most terrifying thought."

I waited, my heart thumping.

"Here we are, approaching your birthday. and I have not planned out a single thing. I don't know what's come over me these days," she said and smiled. "But don't worry. This will be a special one. I promise."

She kissed me on the cheek and then went on to the kitchen.

I stood there watching her walk away.

She wasn't told anything.

She knew nothing.

I was all right. Everything was strangely all right.

Maybe it was because I had gotten away with it, or maybe it was because I couldn't get the feelings, the excitement, out of mind, but just the thought of returning to my special place filled me with

exhilaration. I tried to stay away. I tortured myself, tormented myself, teased myself.

One day I started toward it and then turned around and hurried back. Another day I forced myself to sit at the edge of the pond and not go anywhere close to my special place. I put up as much resistance as I could, knowing in my heart that I would lose the battle. that I would soon surrender and return.

Finally, I did.

And I took Romeo and Juliet with me again. I couldn't reread it enough. I was at the point where I practically had the whale play memorized and certainly had memorized my favorite lines. When I reached my special place. I stood back hesitantly. It had become magical. If I go to the same spot and if I lie down again and start to read, surely the same things will happen. I thought. I closed my eyes and held my breath and tried to turn around and go home, but it was too powerful. There was a calling, and the voice calling to me was inside me. It could not be denied.

I sprawled out and tried to read, but my eyes kept drifting off the page. My heart was beginning to race. I felt my breathing quicken. Lying back. I looked up through the branches again. The sky was cloudless today, the blue looking softer. I closed my eves. Once again warm fingers were beginning to travel all over me, caressing. exploring.

Slowly, I began to undress, and soon I was naked under the sun, lying there and feeling the warm breeze flutter over my body. I took deep breaths and touched myself everywhere, and everywhere I touched, there was almost an electric shock of pleasure. How powerful it all was. I thought, and how naive it was of me to think I could ever resist. I kept my eyes closed and envisioned the handsome men in my books, dreamed of what Romeo must have looked like, heard those beautiful wards, words that were now being said to me.

And then I heard a branch crack. It was more like a clap of thunder.

I o