Heaven (Casteel 1)

She could still sting me with her mean, selfish words and ways. Always I'd believed that, underneath all her hostility and jealousy, Fanny loved me. Life had warped her in ways different than it had me.

"Fanny, I'm your sister," I pleaded in a low voice, ashamed Logan would overhear her

"welcome." "I need to talk to you, to see you, and know if you've heard anything about Keith and Our Jane."

"Don't know nothin," whispered Fanny, opening the door a bit wider. "Don't wanna know nothin. Jus go way, leave me alone."

I could see my younger sister had grown into a very pretty girl with long black hair and a figure shapely enough to break many a man's heart. That Fanny would break many hearts without remorse had always been my expectation. Still, I was hurt that Fanny would refuse to let me enter the house, and showed no interest at all in how I'd been, or where I'd been.

"Have you seen Tom?"

"Don't wanna see Tom."

I winced, again stung. "I wrote you time and

time again, Fanny Casteel! Didn't you receive my letters?" I demanded, forcefully holding the door open so she couldn't slam it in my face. "Damn you, Fanny! What kind of person are you anyway? When people are kind and thoughtful enough to write letters, the least you can do is answer--unless you just don't give a damn!"

"Guess ya got t'picture," snapped Fanny in reply.

"Now, you wait a minute, Fanny! You can't slam the door in my face! I'm not going to let you!"

"Ya neva wrote me, not once!" she cried, then turned to look over her shoulder with alarm. Her voice lowered to a whisper again. "Ya gotta go, Heaven." Urgency was in her eyes, a look of fright. "They're upstairs sleepin. The Reverend an his wife hate t'be reminded of who I am. They've done warned me not t'eva talk t'ya, or any otha Casteel. Neva have heard from Pa since I came." She wiped at a tear that came to the corner of one eye and slid like a dewdrop on her cheek. "I used t'think Pa loved me best; seems he don't." Another tear formed that she didn't wipe away. "Glad ya look good." Her eyes swept over my face before her full red lips thinned a bit.

"Gotta go now. Don't want em t'wake up an scold me fer talkin t'ya. Ya jus take yerself out of here, Heaven Leigh--don't wanna know ya; wish I'd never known ya; kin't remember nothin good about ya an those ole days when we were younguns in t'hills. Only rememba stinks an hunger, an cold feet, an neva enough of anythin."

Quickly I thrust my foot in the door when Fanny would have slammed it shut with more force than my hands alone could resist. "You wait a minute, Fanny Louisa Casteel! I've thought about you night and day for more than two long years--you can't tell me to go away! I want to know how you've been, if you've been treated fairly. I care about you, Fanny, even if you don't care about me. I remember the good times 'when we lived in the hills, and try to forget all the bad. I remember when we used to snuggle up together to keep warm, and I love you, even if you always were a damned pain in the neck."

"Ya get off this porch," sobbed Fanny, crying openly now. "Kin't do nothin fer ya, kin't."

She brutally kicked my foot out of the way and slammed the door. The inside lock was turned, and I stood alone on the porch.

Almost blind with tears, I stumbled down the steps, and Logan was there, sweeping me into his arms and trying to comfort me. "Damn her for talking like that to you--damn her!"

I yanked away, hurting so much from Fanny's indifference I could hardly keep from screaming. What good did it do to dole out so much love to people who turned against you the moment they no longer needed you?

What did I care if I'd lost Fanny? She'd never been a loving sister anyway . . . why did I hurt so much? "Go away, Logan!" I yelled, swinging my fists at him when he tried to embrace me again. "I don't need you--don't need anybody!"

I turned from him, but he seized me by my arm and swung me around so his strong arms drew me against him. "Heaven!" he cried. "What's wrong? What have I done?"

"Let me go," I pleaded weakly.

"Now, look," he urgently pleaded, "you're taking out your anger on me when it's Fanny who hurt you. She's always been a hateful sister--hasn't she? I guess I knew all the way here she'd act like she did. I'm sorry you're so hurt, but do you have to turn on me? I wanted to hang around and be here when you needed me. Need me, Heaven! Don't slap out at me! I haven't done anything but admire, respect, and love you. I could never really believe your pa would sell his kids. I guess I do now. Forgive me for not fully believing until today."

I yanked away. "You mean in all this time you haven't talked to Fanny about me?"

"I've tried many a time to talk to her about you . but you know how Fanny is. She takes everything and turns it around until she makes herself believe it's her I want to hear about, and not you. Fanny doesn't care about anyone but herself." He blushed and stared down at his feet. "I've found out it's better to leave Fanny alone."

"She still comes on strong, right?" I asked bitterly, guessing that Fanny must have been her usual aggressive self with him. . . and I wondered if he'd fallen, like all the others.

"Yeah," he said, raising his eyes. "Takes a lot of resisting to hold Fanny off . . . and the best way to do that is to stay miles away."

"From temptation?"

"Stop! I do what I can to keep girls like Fanny out of my life. Since you went away, I keep hoping someday a girl named Heaven will be the one to really love me. Somebody sweet and innocent; somebody who knows how to care and how to give. Somebody I can respect. How can I respect anyone like Fanny?"

Oh, God help me! How could he respect me . . . now?

We walked away from Reverend Wise's home and didn't even glance back. Obviously Fanny had adjusted well to her new life.