"You're no skinnier than you used to be, but so much taller, and so good-looking. Tom, I never guessed you'd grow to look like Pa."
What did he hear in my voice to take the smile from his eyes and lips? "You don't like the way I look now?"
"I like the way you look, of course I do. You're handsome--but did you have to grow up to look so much like Pa?" I almost shouted. Now I'd gone and hurt his feelings when I hadn't meant to do that. "I'm sorry, Tom," I choked, laying my hand on his huge one. "It's just that you took me by surprise."
He had an odd look on his face. "There's many a woman who thinks Pa is the best-looking man alive."
Frowning, I glanced away. "I don't want to talk about him, please. Now, have you heard anything about Keith and Our Jane?"
He turned his head so I saw his profile, and again I felt stunned that he could be so much like Pa. "Yeah. I heard they are fine, and Our Jane is alive and well. If Pa hadn't done what he did, no doubt she'd be dead."
"Are you making excuses for him?"
Again he turned to me and grinned. "You sound just like you used to. Don't hold on to hate, Heavenly . . . let go of it before it eats you up and makes you worse than he is. Think of those who love you, like me. Don't go spoiling everything good that will come along in the future because you had a cruel father. People change. He's taking care of Grandpa, isn't he? Never thought he'd do that, did you? And Buck Henry isn't nearly as mean as he looked that first time we saw him; as you can see, I'm not starved, not sick, not worked to death. And I'll be graduating from high school same time as you do."
"Your hair isn't as red as fire anymore . . ."
"Sorry about that, but I'm glad. Tell me if my eyes still shine with devilment."
"Yes, they still do."
"Then I haven't changed so much after all, have I?"
He had a clean, honest face, with clear, shining eyes without secrets, while I had to duck my head and hide my eyes, so scared he'd see my terrible secret. If he knew, he wouldn't respect me as he always had. He'd think I was no better than Fanny, and maybe even worse.
"Why are you hiding your eyes, Heavenly?"
I sobbed and tried to meet his gaze again. If only I could tell him everything right now, and say it all so that he'd see I had been as trapped by my Candlewick circumstances as Fanny had been by her hill genes. I began to tremble so much that Tom reached to pull me into his arms where I could rest my head on his shoulder. "Please don't cry cause you're so happy to see me, and make me cry, too. I haven't cried since the day Buck
Henry bought me from Pa. But I sure did cry a lot that night, wondering what had happened to you after he drove me away. Heavenly, you are all right, aren't you? Nothing bad happened, did it?"
"Of course I'm all right. Don't I look all right?"
He studied my face as I tried to smile and conceal all the guilt and shame I felt. What he saw apparently satisfied him, for he smiled as well. "Gee, Heavenly, it's great to be here with you. Now tell me everything that's happened to you since the day I went away--and say it all fast, cause I'll have to go in another few minutes."
The urgency in his voice made me look around--was Buck Henry with him?
"You first, Tom. Tell me everything you didn't in your letters!"
"Don't have time," he said, jumping to his feet and pulling me up as I saw a familiar stocky figure coming down the street. "That's him looking for me. Just one fast hug, and I've got to go. He's here in town buying vet supplies for two sick cows. Next time you've got to tell me more about your life in Candlewick. Your letters say so little. Too much talk about movies and restaurants and clothes. By gosh, it seems to me all of us were blessed the day Pa sold us off."
There were shadows in the emerald depths of his eyes, dark shadows I suddenly noticed, putting doubts in my mind as to his happiness; but before I could question, he was off, calling back: "I'm joining Mr. Henry, but be looking for me next Saturday, and bring Laurie and Thalia with me . . . and we'll all have lunch or dinner together--maybe both if we're lucky!"
I stood staring after him, so sad to see him going already; he was the one and only person who might understand, if only I could tell him. Tears were streaking my face as I watched him join that man I just couldn't believe Tom could like. Still, he looked fine. He seemed hdp-py, big, and strong. The shadows in his eyes were only there because of the shadows he caught from me, as always he'd been my reflection.
Next Saturday I'd see him again. I could hardly wait for the day!
twenty THE LOVE OF A MAN
. CAL WAS WAITING FOR ME WHEN I FINALLY RETURNED TO the Setterton home. "Heaven!" he cried when he saw me on the steps. "Where the devil have you been? I've been worried sick about you."
He was the man who loved me, who'd given me so much happiness when he gave me kindness and care, who gave me shame when he gave me love; and added all together, it totaled up to feeling trapped. As I surrendered to his quick embrace and his hasty kiss, I was enveloped in a heavy fog of despair. I loved him for what he'd done to save me from the worst of Kitty's meanness, and yet I wished desperately that he'd just stayed my father, and not become my lover.
"Why are you looking at me like that, Heaven? Can you love me only in Candlewick, and not in Winnerrow?"
I didn't want to love him in the way he wanted me to! I couldn't let him overwhelm me again with his needs. I whispered hoarsely, "I saw Tom today, and Fanny, and Grandpa."
"And you're crying? I thought you'd be happy." "Nothing is ever quite what you think it's going to be, is it? Tom has grown to be as tall as Pa, and he's only sixteen."