Fallen Hearts (Casteel 3)

"I'm disturbed about it because she is not the same; she is quite different. Martha Goodman told me she has been asking you to come by to see for yourself. She's very upset about it

and I believe she wants to leave."

"Martha?"

"Yes, Tony. If you weren't so oblivious to things around you, you would know that. You must go right up there and confer with her and call the doctor to come to examine Jillian."

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's changed." I ran my hand over the piano. "She's not living in the past; she's bringing the past into the present."

"Pardon?"

"She thinks she sees ghosts and she blames it on her own guilt."

"Oh. I see." His head was turned in a way that kept me from seeing his eyes, but I sensed the reason.

"It's something you don't mind letting her do-- bear the entire guilt for my mother and even . . . for Troy."

"What?" He spun around, his blue eyes blazing like the blue tip of a gas fire. I felt the heat between us.

"I know what you're doing, I've done it myself, not only to her, but to Luke. When they carry all the guilt, it relieves us of our own burden. But it's not fair, Tony, and it's not right. Martha Goodman's right. Jillian is growing worse and worse with each passing day. Soon, she'll be catatonic, a vegetable. You can't ignore your responsibility any longer."

"This is ridiculous," he said, his lips curling. "I don't blame her for Troy's death, nor do I blame myself. I did all I could for him, under the circumstances, but you knew how unhappy and depressed he was, how he was convinced he would die because of those constant nightmares in which he saw his own death, even saw his own tombstone. He knew what he was doing when he chose Jillian's wild horse. In my mind he committed suicide," Tony said, following his words with a sigh.

We both paused when Curtis brought him his drink He went to the couch and sat down, but I remained by the piano.

"Now, as far as Jillian goes," he continued, "I've also done all any man in my circumstances could do. I kept her safe, warm, satisfied, even in her madness. But that didn't mean I had to sacrifice my own sanity, did it? She has a professional nurse twenty-four hours a day. I'm not neglecting her out of some ridiculous sense of guilt I'm just busy, that's all."

"So busy that you haven't noticed what's happening here in Farthy. All of the servants are disturbed because of Jillian," I said. Tony smiled coldly and crossed his leg. He meticulously ran his fingers down the sharp crease of his dark blue trouser leg and stared at me.

"Are you sure it's not you who is disturbed because of Jillian? Does her presence here torment you?"

"Of course not," I said. "I'm thinking only of her welfare."

"I see." He sat back to sip his drink "All right," he said. "I'll have the doctor come tomorrow. 'What shall I do if he recommends we commit her to an institution for the mentally ill? Should I send her away to keep the servants from telling ridiculous tales?"

"We'll have to do what's best for her," I said. I couldn't help myself. I was trembling now.

"Of course Tony," I said, sitting on the piano stool, "Troy's cottage. ."

"What about Troy's cottage?" He sat forward. "It's . you've kept it just the way it was . . . like a living monument."

"You were there?" A quick glimmer of fear lit his eyes, then he banished it. "I see," he said, sitting back. "What would you have had me do, burn it down?"

"No, but--"

"You were right in one sense, Heaven," he said, all the anger and frustration gone from his face. "All of us have to come to terms with our own guilt . . . our own ghosts. I did what I could for him; I was angry at him for tossing his life away, but that doesn't mean . . . I don't miss him," he said.

I bit my lower lip to force the lump in my throat to stay down. I felt the tears well up in my eyes.

"In a way we are all a bit arrogant about our grief," he continued. "We think no one but we can suffer it as much. You weren't the only one who had a broken heart."

The long silence between us was shattered by Logan's arrival.

"I'm starving," he declared. He looked from Tony to me and back to Tony. "Something wrong?"

"No," Tony said quickly. "Nothing that's not going to be taken care of as soon as possible." He turned to me. "Right, Heaven?" he asked.