"I don't know," I said. I really didn't know. "Sometimes I do and sometimes, I feel sorry for him. It's all so confusing, I hate thinking about it anymore."
I said good night and turned over to go to sleep, but Jennifer's confessions had rekindled my memories of Tony touching me, studying my body with his fingers, and stroking me as if I were the clay for him to mold. How could my mother think that my permitting him to touch me like that was all right? Didn't she think I would feel things as Jennifer did when her boyfriend touched her, or did she think I was still too young?
II looked over at Jennifer, who was already asleep and probably dreaming about William Matthews. Her first experiences were exciting, the kind of experiences all of us girls had talked about and dreamt about having. I wanted a boyfriend too, someone to love and cherish me the way men and women loved and cherished each other in romantic movies and novels. I didn't want to be thinking about Tony Tatterton gazing down at my naked body while I stood obediently before him. What kind of romantic moment was that?
It took all my powers of concentration to drive the images from my mind so I could turn into the awls of Sleep, but finally, I was able to do it.
The next morning the dorms of Winterhaven exploded with life and energy. Everyone was excited about beginning classes in a new school year. The showers ran continually, hair dryers were blowing everywhere, girls were shouting to each other, borrowing clothing, jewelry and ribbons from each ether. It felt good to be back. I didn't think I would be as happy as I was, but here at Winterhaven, with all the girls chattering away, with bells ringing and girls scurrying about not to be late, I would try to forget the sad and ugly moments of the past few months.
The "special club" gathered together as always for the walk to the classrooms. Marie Johnson was due any moment and we were anticipating her arrival. And everyone was talking about the upcoming dance with the boys of Allandale. It was the traditional way to start the new school social year. I was so happy that I would be able to attend it. Of course, the main topic of discussion was what to wear. Everyone had an opinion about that.
We started down the corridor. Other girls waved and called to us from their rooms as we passed by. During the day all
the dorm rooms had to be left unlocked so they could be inspected to see if the beds were made and clothes were hung up.
Just as we reached the lobby, Marie came bursting in, her chauffeur right behind her struggling with her luggage. She had earrings as big as ice cubes on her lobes and she had her eyebrows trimmed with eye shadow over her lids. She wore a white cotton tennis sweater with a matching cotton blouse and long, flowing, dark blue skirt.
"Jeunes flues!" she cried. "Comment allez vous?"
"Marie!"
Everyone rushed to greet her. She looked so much older.
"I can't believe I'm back in this place," she said looking around with an expression of disgust. "And look at you all. The rat pack." Then she laughed. "I missed you, each and every one of you."
She took turns hugging each of us.
"I tried to arrange arriving last night, but it just couldn't be done," she said quickly and sighed. "I'm going to have to rest a while, but don't worry about me. Miss Mallory has been contacted and I'm excused from all my morning classes. Tonight, you're all invited to my room. I have little presents for all of you and I will tell you every detail about my summer in Paris . . especially, the men."
"Men!" Toby cried.
"Well, young men. Au revoir," she said and gestured to her chauffeur to follow.
I walked toward my classes with my friends---not letting them know that there was a storm brewing inside me. I knew there were dreams and pains I could never share with the "special club."
Suddenly nothing became as exciting as the upcoming dance with the boys of Allandale. Jennifer spoke with William on the telephone one night and called me to her side so I could say hello to William's roommate, Joshua. I didn't want to do it, but she beckoned and beckoned and pleaded until I gave in. Then she handed me the receiver. I scowled at her.
"Say hello," she coached.
"Hello," I said and this deep, soft voice replied.
"Hello." There was a long pause before he went on. "This is a bit embarrassing. William wanted me to speak with you before the dance and . . ."
"And Jennifer wanted me to speak with you," I said, seeing how hard it was for him, too.
"Yes, I. . I do look forward to meeting you. From what William has told me, Jennifer speaks so highly of you." "Jennifer exaggerates."
"Oh, I don't think so. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and tell you I look forward to seeing you at the dance," he added. I thought he sounded very grown up.
"Me too," I replied and hated the sound of my voice because I sounded so young. I thrust the phone back at Jennifer, practically stabbing her with it in the chest. She took it and finished her conversation with William. As soon as she cradled the receiver, I was at her.
"How could you do that? It was so
embarrassing trying to have a conversation with someone, I've never met. I'm sure he doesn't want to have anything to do with me now. I sound like an idiot on the telephone."
"No, you don't."
"I like to see the person I'm meeting for the first time," I complained, but Jennifer stood there with her Cheshire cat grin. All the rest of that night I replayed Joshua's words. I hoped he looked as good as he sounded.