Some parents and students from my public school attended, but I felt they were there to gawk at me more than they were to pay respects to Daddy and Cassie. I was happy that Daddy kept the visitors afterward to a very close group of business associates. I kept thinking that Cassie would like this, at least. She had hated it when we’d had all those curiosity seekers at Mother’s funeral.
Afterward, the house had never felt as empty. Sometimes, I would pause to listen, because I thought I heard Cassie’s familiar footsteps on the stairway or in the hallway. For days and weeks, whenever I entered the kitchen, I half expected to see her working on a meat loaf or making a pasta. I
did the best I could in my condition, but Daddy now talked about hiring a cook and some maids. Uncle Perry practically moved in. He was here so often. I saw he was just as concerned about my father as he was about me. It brought me continuously back to that idea that tragedy cements a family.
In fact, it was Uncle Perry who rushed me to the hospital the day my water broke. He had gotten to the house before Daddy, and just turned around with me in his car. Dr. Moffet was there to greet us. Daddy arrived before I went into the delivery room. He held my hand as they wheeled the gurney, but he turned down Dr. Moffet’s invitation to be in the room. I didn’t blame him. I wished I could turn down the invitation.
The last shock came when my baby was born.
It would have killed Cassie again. She had been so confident.
I gave birth to a girl, not a boy.
Daddy and I hadn’t discussed what would be done with the baby. Without Cassie around to shove reality and decisions in our faces, we both ignored the question for as long as we could. We did discuss my going to a private school as soon as I could, but the baby’s destiny was left hanging in the air just outside our lives.
Daddy came to see me as soon as I could have any visitors after the delivery. He hadn’t gone to see my baby yet. After he was sure I was fine, he grew silent. We both did. The words hung like apples ready to be plucked.
“Neither of us is equipped to be a mother right now,” he began. “The circumstances that have brought the child to us will always be a stain on our minds, Semantha. It’s unfortunate, and it’s not the child’s fault, but it’s there nevertheless.”
I couldn’t disagree.
“Obviously, although we haven’t spoken about this, I have been working on a solution. I couldn’t see us just giving the child up for adoption to total strangers, so I’ve been in contact with your mother’s cousin Royce. You might remember that she and her husband, Shane, lost their daughter, Vera, in an auto accident five years ago. There’s an older boy in college, but Royce is only in her early forties. They’ve agreed to take the baby. Is that all right with you?”
“Yes,” I said.
What else was there to say? I didn’t know Royce and Shane well. They had come to Cassie’s funeral but hadn’t spent all that much time with me. Considering what Daddy was now telling me, I thought that was odd, but then again, I thought maybe Royce wanted to feel more like the baby’s mother. To do that, it was better not to think of the baby’s real mother.
“I told Royce and Shane they could give the baby a name. It’s not Asa,” he said, almost smiling, “but it’s close enough. They chose Anna. I’ve gone ahead and had it put on the birth certificate, Anna Norman.”
“That’s a nice name, Daddy.”
He nodded.
“Are you going to go see her?”
“I’d rather not,” he said. “I hope that’s all right. I’m making sure Anna has everything she needs,” he quickly added.
“It’s all right,” I said.
I knew Daddy was right about it all, but it still made me terribly sad. What Cassie had done, the pain, lived on long past her and always would.
But that would be another war in another home to come. What role I would play in it lay out there in the future, like some egg yet to be hatched.
A day before I was to leave for my private school, I asked Uncle Perry to take me to the cemetery. He surprised me by telling me that my father had been there often. Daddy had never mentioned it. When we arrived, Uncle Perry remained in the car, and I walked out to look at what was now another impressive tombstone. It seemed so unreal to read Cassie’s name on it. For a while, I simply stood there looking at it. Then I went down on my knees and took out the spoon I had brought in my purse. I dug as deep a hole as I could in her grave. When I was satisfied, I reached behind my neck and undid the clasp. I held the locket in my hand for a moment and then dropped it into the hole, quickly covering it.
Was that an act of forgiveness?
Was that an act of love?
Or had I simply come to believe that the locket was hers after all?
It would take me years to learn the answers.
I didn’t say a word. I stood, looked again at the tombstone, and walked away.
But in my heart, I knew I wasn’t leaving her behind.
I would forever hear her whispering in my ear.