“Why?” I repeated more forcefully.
“For the same reason Mrs. Fennel or Brianna couldn’t come right out and tell you what Daddy needed. Remember how shocking it was for you?”
I just stared at her, my heart suddenly thumping. “I still don’t understand. Are you saying I’m going to be shocked about myself? Is this what you meant that day when you said you saw fear in me, fear of myself?”
“Oh, Lorelei,” she said with an air of exhaustion. “You’ve always been at the questions far more than any of us.”
“Didn’t you have this sort of curiosity about everything, Ava?”
“No. I understood I had to be patient. Forget about it for now, Lorelei. I’ve already said too much. Just remember my warnings, and don’t do anything stupid. Go on,” she urged. “I’ll be here at the end of the day.”
I heard the first warning bell.
“This is what you meant that day you said you saw fear in me, fear of myself,” I insisted. “You still see it in me, glow, gift, power, or not, right? Right?”
“Go to school, Lorelei,” she ordered. “Beware of pushing too hard and moving too quickly. Remember the myth of Icarus, the one Daddy likes to tell us. He flew too high when he was warned not to, and his wax wings melted. For now, stay on the ground, Lorelei. You’ll have plenty of time to fly later. Go on. Go to class. Go!”
I got out and watched her back up and drive off. I had been so happy when I rose that morning, so full of energy and eager to start the day, even in school, where I felt so alone and under attack daily. If Ava’s intent was to slow me down, to lower the flame burning inside me, she had succeeded. Suddenly overcome with a dark depression, I entered the building and moved so slowly toward my homeroom that I was a little late. My homeroom teacher, Mr. Burns, was surprised, but instead of the chastisement and warnings he gave other students, he just gave me that look of surprise and then, to my surprise, a nice smile.
After all, as Ava might say, he’s a man, and he sees the gift that has unfolded inside you.
When I looked around, the girls in the classroom looked angrier at me. I saw them start their whispering. The boys, however, wore smiles not unlike the one Mr. Burns had given me. When I first began to feel and see the changes in my body, the maturing that finally had begun to show, I felt a little like Cinderella. Something magical was happening to me, but because of who I was, who we were, I could have only moments at the ball. My midnight came quickly, and I had to shut down all the attention I was starting to get. There would be no parties, no dates, and no dances. I accepted and was obedient, always wondering why I had to be.
Ava had been right to take the time out that morning to lay heavier warnings on me. I felt the new Lorelei within me strain against those chains, but I also wondered why I couldn’t smile back at the boys who interested me. Why couldn’t I come out of the shadows and enjoy being there? What would be so terrible if I had a date? I wouldn’t go too far. Daddy had often told me I was the smartest daughter he had ever had. Ava didn’t realize how smart I was. I was beginning to think that just because she couldn’t do these things, she didn’t want me to do them. If I really did have a gift, a power, why did I have to wait to enjoy it? I would never lose sight of how important I was to Daddy.
The bell rang to start the day, and everyone rose, some moving faster than others, chatting with that shotgun energy that took them in all sorts of directions, what Ava called wasted energy. I did suddenly feel even more aloof, but not arrogantly so. I simply felt wiser, older, and more mature. I held myself back, because I didn’t want to fall in with them, be part of them. Mr. Burns smiled again and nodded at me.
“Have a good day, Lorelei,” he said. He was one of the younger high school teachers, probably only in his early thirties. Besides homeroom, I had him for English literature, my last period of the day. We were doing Shakespeare now, and he taught it by playing recordings of professional performances. He said the school didn’t pay him enough to have him endure us reading Shakespeare aloud.
M
ost of the other girls had a thing for him. I hesitated to think crush ever since Ava had mocked the word. He was good-looking, with dark brown hair, a little less than six feet tall, with impish green eyes. He had a tennis pro’s physique, lean and fit. I wasn’t part of the Gossip Broadcasting System here, but I knew that he was going hot and heavy with an intern at Cedars-Sinai Hospital. There was supposed to be breaking news soon on his engagement announcement.
“Thank you,” I said. “Sorry I was a little late.”
“First time, I ignore,” he said. I knew he didn’t. “You did something different with your hair today, didn’t you?”
The students for his first-period class were streaming in. He stepped closer to me.
“Not really much,” I said.
“Whatever you did looks very nice.”
I held his eyes with mine for a moment, smiled softly, and then walked out, feeling his gaze still on me. When I looked back, he was in the doorway, smiling in my direction.
Ava, help me, I thought, feeling I should think that after it had become clear that a teacher was flirting with me. But the truth was that I didn’t want her to do anything, not even give me those warnings. I wanted to explore, test myself and my power. More than anything, now more than ever, I wanted to be myself, even if it meant playing with fire.
Would I be sorry?
6
Play with Fire
“As a recent new student myself, I’ve been appointed to welcome all the new students to our school,” Mark Daniels said. “The concept is that I know more about what it’s like to start somewhere new like this in the middle of a school year, especially your senior year. So welcome.”
I finished my cracker and looked up at him. Lately, I found myself sitting alone in the cafeteria at a far right corner table that enabled me to watch everyone else. It had been a while since any of the boys had spoken to me. I had noticed Mark when he first entered our school. He was one of the better-looking seniors. He had a rugged, early Robert Redford look, the same almost messy dirty-blond hair, the same sexy smile. He had barely smiled at me since he arrived or said much more than “Hey” in passing through the hallways. He always kept moving, never expecting an answer. It was almost something he saw as his duty, to say hello to all the girls. That struck me as kind of arrogant, so I didn’t reply.
Ava, in a rare moment when we were talking about high school boys, told me the thing they feared the most was rejection. “It’s why most of them aren’t very original or exciting, Lorelei. They practically want guarantees before they’ll risk approaching you or asking you on a date. Here and there, a rare one came along, and I was tempted, but only for a moment,” she added quickly. “Our lives begin after high school.”