"You know a lot about everyone, Lawrence. You could study and become a doctor yourself," I said. I really meant it. He blushed at the compliment.
"It's just that I spend a lot of time in the library. Most of the people here don't know what's available." He leaned toward me again. "There's even a book by the head doctor, Doctor Scanlon," he said. "C
auses of Family Dysfunction. After I read it, I thought he was using my family as his resource material for the book."
I knew he was waiting for me to comment, but I couldn't stop this feeling of restlessness. It felt like a hive of bees was buzzing inside me. I had to see the stars, feel the night air.
"Will you take me to the kitchen?" I asked finally. "Really?"
"I want to go outside and look up at the stars. I think it might help me. There's something about the stars. . . . Something that's teasing my memory," I explained. "It would mean a lot to me."
He grew serious.
"All right," he said after a moment's thought, "we'll do it." He gazed at the attendants. "You go out first so we don't look suspicious. Go to the bathroom, wait a minute, and then come out. be down the hail and if it's all clear to the cafeteria, I'll wave you on. Are you sure you want to do this? They could send you or me or both of us upstairs and you know what that could mean," he added.
"I don't want to get you into trouble, Lawrence. Maybe you should just tell me where it is instead of showing me."
"No," he insisted. "I want to do this for you. Go ahead. Go to the bathroom and give me a minute."
I still hesitated. He nodded toward the door, urging me on. I looked at the attendants and then rose as quietly as I could. Nevertheless, one of the attendants gazed at me as I approached the door. I smiled at her and mouthed the word "bathroom." She smiled back at me and I left the room. I waited just as Lawrence had told me and then I stepped out of the bathroom. The hallway was empty, but up toward the cafeteria, Lawrence appeared, stepping out of a doorway. He gestured for me to hurry.
I practically ran to him and we went through the doorway and then into the cafeteria. All the lights were out now, but there was enough of a glow from the lights outside to silhouette all the tables and chairs so we didn't bump into anything and make any noise. Lawrence moved quickly to the kitchen doors, then held up his hand for me to stop and be still as he listened. He slowly opened the doors.
There was a small light on over the stove. From what we could see, there was no one around.
"This way," he whispered. We walked through the kitchen to the pantry and then to a small hallway. "That's it," he said, nodding at a metal door at the end of the hallway.
"Thank you," I said. I approached the door slowly and then looked back at him.
"They're going to start looking for you soon, Laura. When they don't find you in the bathroom, there's going to be trouble."
"If they ask, tell them I went to my room for something," I said. "I won't be long."
"I'd like to come with you," he said, but he seemed incapable of taking another step forward. "It's just that . ."
"It's all right. You've done enough, Lawrence. Go back before you're missed, too. I'll be fine," I said.
I reached for the door. When I opened it, I hesitated, afraid there might be an alarm he didn't know about, but nothing happened except the cool night air came rushing in at me.
"If you don't come right back--"
"I will. I promise," I said.
I could see that he was shaking. He wanted to pierce that invisible border so much. I stepped out and closed the door behind me quickly to end his suffering as much as to give myself the courage. For a moment, I simply stood there, listening to the sounds of the night. Then I walked away from the building so I could get away from all the lights.
It was a night filled with stars, clear and sharp so that the constellations were easy to locate. My eyes traced the length of the Big Dipper. The mere sight of the luminous dots sparkling above me took my breath away. I had to sit. I didn't even notice the coolness anymore. Words, pictures, and thoughts were rushing at me like shooting stars themselves, approaching and then veering away just when I was about to
understand something or see something clearly.
I closed my eyes and sat back, my arms stretched out, my hands open, palms up, waiting to be touched, to accept my identity and everything that would follow. I thought I felt another hand in mine and I could hear a voice, a young man's voice, whispering, his lips so close I could almost feel them brushing against my ear.
I moaned. His face began to rise out of the black pit of forgetfulness, first his eyes and then his lips and then--
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I heard and opened my eyes to see Billy standing there, smoking a cigarette. He had a wry smile on his face. "Huh?"
"Nothing," I said.
"How did you get out here?" he asked sharply.