Heartsong (Logan 2)

His words brought a different shade of crimson to my cheeks. My thoughts became jumbled and confused, and when I realized that those words could have such an effect over me, I looked away quickly, not knowing whether I should cry or laugh at the turmoil that raged in my heart and in my head.

After we had gone to the supermarket and bought Aunt Sara her garlic, we headed home. There wasn't a cloud in the afternoon sky and the breeze had warmed up. The ocean looked soft and inviting with the sunlight glittering on the waves. The anger inside me was forgotten once I glimpsed the beauty of the sea, and our conversation returned to more pleasant subjects than family. Cary talked again about his desire to build real boats. He was full of ideas for customizing them and improving on their mobility. When Cary talked about his dreams he became a different person, more confident and intense, and I worried that Uncle Jacob's tyranny would slowly crush the hope and life from him.

"If your father really cared, he would want to see you turn your dreams into reality," I said, but he continued to make excuses for Uncle Jacob on the basis of family and tradition.

As we drew closer to the house, May said she wanted to go hunting sea shells, but Cary was determined to return to the model boat on which he was currently working. I sensed that this one was very important to him, so I offered to take May to the beach and keep her out of his hair.

"Come on up when you get back," Cary whispered. "I have something special to show you," he added. I felt a flutter in my breast and nodded.

May didn't seem unhappy that Cary wasn't accompanying us. She looked as if she wanted to be alone with me, and as soon as we reached the seashore, I saw why. She began to ask me questions about my life in West Virginia and boyfriends I had had. When I asked her why she wanted to know, she blushingly told me she had a boyfriend.

"What?"

I laughed, and we sat on a mound of sand as she explained how she had been partnered with this boy at school for different tasks and how they had grown to like each other. On Friday, when no one was looking, he had leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She was so excited by it, she confessed, that she hadn't washed her face since.

I started to laugh, but saw how serious and intense she was about the experience and instead turned my thoughts to the first time a boy had kissed me. First times for some things were so special they stayed with you all your life, I thought, especially a girl's first kiss.

"Did Cary ever kiss you?" she asked. Apparently May, although deaf, was not blind to the attraction between Cary and me, how we looked at each other, how we spoke and touched each other, in ways that she knew were significant. Now it was my turn to blush. And worry that others in the family had noticed as well.

"We're just good friends," I said quickly, without really answering her questions. "What's your boyfriend's name?" I asked, desperate to change the subject.

"Laaaary," she pronounced proudly. "Were you ever in love?" she signed quickly.

"I've had crushes on boys," I told her, "but I don't think I was really in love."

"How do you know when you're in love?" she asked.

"It's not an easy question to answer," I told her. "When you have a crush on a boy, you can't think of anything else. You write his name on everything and you walk about in a daydream and act so silly, people say you're lovesick."

"Sick?" She lost her smile. "Do you have to take medicine?" she asked.

"No," I said laughing. Then I realized she had been brought up with doctors and nurses and medicine most of her life. The word sick had only one meaning to her. "You're not actually sick. You're just . . . doing silly things all the time."

That made her thoughtful for a while. Then, she looked around to be sure no one was near before telling me that something was happening to her and that was why she was so worried when I mentioned sick.

"What do you mean?" I asked, concerned. She was still for a minute and then unbuttoned her blouse to show me the rise around her nipple. "Oh, you're just developing breasts," I said and told her as much as I could about a woman's body. When I mentioned the monthly period, she was astounded.

"Bleeding?" she made me repeat, grimacing as she signed.

"Hasn't your mother ever told you any of this?" I asked. She shook her head. "What about Laura?"

She reminded me that none of this was happening to her when Laura was alive and Laura probably thought she wasn't ready.

I told her more. Of course she knew that babies come from mothers, but the details of the process were still a mystery. She was shocked to learn that women carry eggs and men carry the sperm. When she asked me how the sperm got to the egg, I hesitated, wondering if I should be the one to tell her. Why hadn't Aunt Sara had a mother-daughter talk yet? How long did she think May would remain a child? Did she and Uncle Jacob assume that May's deafness made her immune to a young girl's thoughts and desires?

Had Mommy and Daddy thought I was immune to these desires? Mama Arlene took pity on me and all my questions and I told May about the birds and the bees the way I remembered Mama Arlene telling it to me. I described sex as Nature's trick to bring two people who loved each other together so they could create the greatest expression of their love: a baby. I didn't go into vivid detail, but I let her understand that a man and a woman had to join to make it all happen.

She was still, almost stunned, and then she signed a question that nearly brought me to tears: Would her baby be born deaf because she was deaf?

Of course, I didn't know for sure, but I told her I didn't think so. I told her her baby would be a separate person. She liked that and smiled again. I told her to come to me with any questions any time she wanted.

She looked up at me seriously and made the signs to indicate I had become her older sister. That did bring tears to my eyes and I hugged her. Then we got up and resumed our search for precious sea shells.

As May walked ahead of me along the beach, I now saw her as more than just a little girl. Sooner than Aunt Sara expected, May would become a young woman, a very pretty and sensitive young wo

man whose deafness made her even softer and more gentle than most. She would search for someone to trust, someone who loved her deeply. He would have to be someone special, I thought, because she was so special.

When we returned to the house, May went to her room to put away her new sea shells and I climbed the ladder to Cary's attic. As soon as I stepped through the trapdoor, I saw him hovering over his new model boat. He was working with such intensity, he hadn't heard me come up. Feeling like a spy, I stood there very quietly watching him concentrate. His mouth was slightly open, his eyes fixed on the tiny paint brush. He seemed to be holding his breath. After a few more minutes, he sat back and sighed with pleasure at his accomplishment. Then he realized I was there and turned quickly, blushing.