I shook my head at the words resounding inside me. "No," I cried and pushed at Cary's chest. "Melody, I love you."
"Please, stop Cary," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I can't."
But he pulled back, his sex exploding on the blanket, his head against my chest, his whole body shuddering and then coming to rest.
Neither of us moved. It was as though the world revolved around us as we stayed perfectly still. Caught in a moment of time. My heartbeat started to slow an
d my breathing came easier. Still, neither of us moved, neither said anything. We lay there, holding each other, both equally amazed at our discoveries about ourselves and each other.
"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I'm so clumsy and inexperienced. You were right. I shouldn't have started to do this without the proper protection. You probably think I'm an idiot." He sat up quickly.
"No, I don't, Cary. I'm not very experienced at this either, no matter what you might think." I sat up, too, holding the towel around me.
"You're not?" he said skeptically.
"No, I'm not. Why?" I asked, turning on him. "Do you think I'm like my mother when she was my age? Is that it?" I asked hotly.
"No," he said.
"Maybe I am. Maybe it is in my blood," I said bitterly. "I shouldn't have let you go as far as you did, but . . ."
"But what? It's not a sin if you love me as much as I love you," he said. "You wouldn't do this with any other boy, would you?"
I shook my head.
"So? Don't you see? That means we love each other." He leaned toward me again to kiss me, but I pulled back.
"No more, Cary. I just want to get dressed and go back to the house."
"You're not mad at me, are you?"
"No. I'm just a little confused about everything. Please try to be understanding," I insisted.
"Okay," he said. He stood up and we both dressed silently in the darkness.
"I probably look as if I've been rolling around on the beach," I moaned.
"We'll stop at the boat and you can straighten up," he said, but his voice was different, strained. I knew he was displeased with my reaction, but I really was confused. I had wanted this and yet, when it started to happen, I was too afraid to continue. Was I just like my mother or was I really as in love with Cary as I imagined? Was it the fact that so many people would frown on our relationship that worried me?
He gathered the towels and we started away, carrying our wet suits. Cary walked a little faster, remaining a foot or so in front of me.
"Don't be angry at me, Cary," I said. "I have too many confusing things going on inside me right now to think clearly about anything. Do you really, truly believe that it is right for there to be love between us, when there is also blood? I want to believe that it is right Cary, but aren't you afraid of what everyone will think?"
He plodded along, not answering me.
"Cary?"
"It will be all right," he said. "I'm not angry at you. The truth is I'm just as confused. Nothing is as simple as we think, I suppose, even love."
I went into the bathroom on the boat, where there was a small wall mirror, and repaired myself the best I could. When I came out, Cary was sitting and gazing out at the ocean. I came up beside him and put my hand gently on his shoulder. He put his hand over mine and continued to look out at the water.
"The water keeps moving," he said. "It looks the same, but it never is. Everything's in a constant state of change. Trees grow new leaves. They look the same as last year's leaves, but they're different. Even the sand on the beach moves. The wind shifts it. Maybe we're changing all the time, too," he said. "Maybe I was different yesterday, even though I look the same today."
"That's what they say in science class. We're always breaking down and rebuilding cells."
"So," he said, turning quickly, "what about our feelings? Do they break down and change, too? If I love you today, will that love be different tomorrow?"