Brianna let the conversation wander. She wanted to reassure him that no such rogue gene existed in anyone, that whatever reasons he might have had in the past for not committing it was entirely within his power to alter that.
Except, she didn’t want him to leap to the conclusion that any altering should be done on her behalf. She was still clinging to a thread of common sense that was telling her not to drop all her defences because he seemed so vulnerable. He might be one-hundred per cent sincere in wanting her to marry him, but without the right emotions she would have to stick fast to her decision. But it was difficult when her heart wanted to reach out to him and just assure him that she would do whatever it took to smooth that agonised expression from his face.
‘As you know, I’ve been biding my time until I made this trip to find her. I had always promised myself that hunting down my past would be something I would do when my parents were no longer around.’
‘I’m surprised you could have held out so long,’ Brianna murmured. ‘I would have wanted to find out straight away.’
‘But then that’s only one big difference between us, isn’t it?’ He gave her a half-smile that made her toes curl and threatened to permanently dislodge that fragile thread of common sense to which she was clinging for dear life. ‘And I didn’t appreciate just how good those differences between us were.’
‘Really?’ Brianna asked breathlessly. The fragile thread of common sense took a serious knocking at that remark.
‘Really.’ Another of those smiles did all sorts of things to her nervous system. ‘I think it was what drew me to you in the first place. I saw you, Brianna, and I did a double take. It never occurred to me that I would find myself entering a situation over which I had no control. Yes, I lied about who I was, but there was no intention to hurt you. I would never have done that...would never do that.’
‘You wouldn’t?’
‘Never,’ he said with urgent sincerity. ‘I was just passing through then we slept together and I ended up staying on.’
‘To find out as much as you could about Bridget.’
‘To be with you.’
Hope fluttered into life and Brianna found that she was holding her breath.
‘I didn’t even realise that I was sinking deeper and deeper. I was so accustomed to not committing when it came to relationships that I didn’t recognise the signs. I told myself that I was just having time out, that you were a novelty I was temporarily enjoying but that, yes, I’d still be moving on.’
‘And then you met her.’
‘I met her and all my easy black-and-white notions flew through the window. This wasn’t the lowlife who had jettisoned a baby without any conscience. This was a living, breathing human being with complexities I had never banked on, who overturned all the boxes I had been prepared to stick her in. I wanted to get to know her more. At the back of my mind—no, scratch that, at the forefront of my mind—I knew that I had dug a hole for myself with that innocuous lie I had told in the very beginning—and you know something? I couldn’t have chosen a more inappropriate occupation for myself. Reading fiction is not my thing, never mind writing it. I didn’t like myself for what I was doing, but I squashed that guilty, sickening feeling. It wasn’t easy.’
‘And then Bridget had that fall and...’
‘And my cover was blown. It’s strange, but most women would have been delighted to have discovered that the guy they thought was broke actually was a billionaire; they would happily have overlooked the “starving writer” facade and climbed aboard the “rich businessman” bandwagon. I’m sorry I lied to you, and I’m sorry I wasn’t smart enough to come clean when I had the chance. I guess I knew that, if there was one woman on the planet who would rather the struggling writer than the rich businessman, it was you...’
Brianna shrugged.
‘And, God, I’m sorry that I continued to stick to my facade long after it had become redundant... I seem to be apologising a heck of a lot.’ His beautiful mouth curved into a rueful, self-deprecatory smile.
‘And you don’t do apologies.’
‘Bingo.’
‘What do you mean about sticking to your facade after it had become redundant?’
‘I mean you laid into me like an avenging angel when you found out the truth about my identity and what did I do? I decided that nothing was going to change; that you might be upset, and we might have had a good thing going, but it didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t going to get wrapped up in justifying myself. Old habits die hard.’