Olivia (Logan 5)

"And I'm not jealous of you, so stop it. Stop it!" I shouted.

She was silent.

"Well, maybe I am jealous of you," she admitted.

"Oh, and why would that be, Belinda? What do I have or what have I done that you could possibly covet?" I asked, amused more than curious.

"You spoke to Mommy last," she said. "You have that."

She stared at me in the darkness a moment and then she turned and went back to her room. Through the walls, I heard her sob herself back to sleep. I lay there finding myself feeling more sorry for her than I was for myself. I wondered if I always would.

.

Mother had a very large funeral. There were so many people in attendance that a large number of them had to stand outside the church door. We kept the coffin closed and strewn with her favorite flowers: jonquils. The minister eulogized her as a faithful loving wife, a woman who truly personified the Christian spirit, full of love and forgiveness, someone who brought light and joy into her home. At one point Belinda cried so loudly, I had to gaze at her with hard, cold eyes to get her to smother her sobs. Daddy looked stunned and stared ahead, shaking hands and thanking people mechanically after the service.

It wasn't until we were at the cemetery and we stood before the open grave, waiting to swallow Mother into the earth, that I finally faced the fact she was gone. I surprised myself with the intensity of my own grief. I would miss her very much. Ironically, she turned out to be the most honest person in my life. I could never be like her, but I recognized that I had needed her, that I still needed her, that I had never been more alone.

Samuel stood beside me. He gestured to embrace me, but I stood away, straight and firm. I would never depend on any man the way Mother depended on Daddy, I thought. No man would ever claim to be my rock and foundation.

Nelson and his family were at the church and at the cemetery. His fiancee was back in Boston. I heard some excuse for her absence, but didn't pay enough attention to remember it. They returned to the house with the other mourners to comfort us. Our house was full of people, their voices low and melancholy at first and then, as the day wore on, growing louder, stronger until there was actually the sound of laughter and what had begun as a gathering of mourners turned into a strange sort of party with people wearing their smiles and finding humor as a way to drive death itself out the door. For most, it worked. It worked for Belinda, of course.

Only an hour or so into the gathering, she was surrounded by her flock of bubble-gum friends and a number of young men. She soaked up their attention with her sponge smiles and her extra long hugs, turning her lips toward certain boys when they went to kiss her in comfort. I watched her become Scarlett O'Hara and then I fled from the scene and went to the rear of the house to just stand alone in the shadows. I could see the rain clouds in the distance turning toward us. It wouldn't be long before they dropped their tears into the wind funneling through the trees and over the knolls around our home. What could be more fitting than a night of rain, I thought and hugged myself against the chilled air.

"Cold out here?" I heard and turned to see Nelson standing behind me. He had a glass of bourbon in his hand and swirled it before he took another sip, his eyes on me.

"It's cold inside, too," I replied.

"Yes, I imagine it is for you," he said. "I always liked your mother. She was always very up and happy. She made you feel good when she was in your company or you were in hers. My parents were very fond of her."

I nodded.

"When are you and Samuel planning on getting married?"

"Samuel thought it would be nice if we timed it around the completion of our house. What about you?"

"A little less than a year. You might actually beat us to the altar if I know Samuel. He'll hock his eyeteeth to hire additional workers and speed up the construction."

"You met your fiancee rather quickly," I said, "or did you know her even when you came here?" I asked pointedly, my eyes on the boathouse. Nelson laughed.

"You don't have any subtlety to you, do you, Olivia? You go right for the jugular?"

"If you mean I go right for the truth, yes," I said. "We knew each other. My decision to become engaged came shortly afterward," he replied.

"So you were just testing the waters to see if you were going to make the right decision?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"Something like that."

We stared at each other a moment.

"I wonder what it would be like being married to you," he said. "Does Samuel fully understand how strong you are, how assured and competent a woman you are? The other women he's known have all been like . . like .

"Belinda?"

Nelson's lips curled into a wry smile.

"Yes," he said