Olivia (Logan 5)

"Whatever you do, you should do because you want to do it, Samuel, and not because I might get angry."

"Of course," he said. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "Shall we go to bed, my darling Mrs. Logan?"

I took a deep breath, gazed up at the first visible star and nodded. We went below to our cabin. As soon as we entered, Samuel turned me to him and kissed me full on the lips, his arms around my waist. He held me so long, had to protest that I couldn't breathe.

"Sorry," he said. "I'm just excited. I've waited a long time for this day."

"A long time? Hardly, a long time, Samuel. Look how long Nelson Childs is waiting to get married and go on a honeymoon."

"Oh," he said laughing, "Nelson's been on his honeymoon already, I assure you. You always wanted us to wait, and so, here we are after the waiting. Shall I help you?" he asked bringing his fingers to the buttons of my blouse.

"No, I can do it all myself," I said quickly. "Let's put out the light," I added. He laughed and turned off the lanterns before he pulled off his sweater. Even in the darkness, I turned my back and began to undress, my fingers trembling so much, I thought maybe I should have had him help me. Maybe that would make it easier. Yes, I concluded. I pulled the blanket back and lay down, still dressed. Samuel was in his underpants already.

"What are you doing?" he asked when he crawled in beside me and realized I still had on my clothes.

"Waiting. I've changed my mind," I said. "Undress me," I ordered as if he were my valet.

"Gladly," he said. I kept my eyes closed as he unzipped my skirt and slid it down my legs. I didn't open my eyes until I was naked and he pressed himself to me, his breathing heavy, his mouth nudging my breasts with his kisses. He moaned and nibbled gently at me and when he lowered his mouth to my stomach, I gasped. There was a rush of excitement in me that I had only imagined before.

"Olivia," he said. "My own Mrs. Logan."

He was between my legs, his firm, hardness tapping and then moving into me. I tried to swallow my cries. It actually was painful, but I was afraid to reveal it. I didn't have to. He knew.

"As I expected," he said, "a virgin. Thank you for saving yourself for me," he added as if I had known him all my mature life and had made some ridiculous love pledge. He laughed and moved harder, faster, shaking and rocking the bed so hard, the headboard banged against the wall.

"Samuel," I cried, "the crew."

"They don't have their ears to the walls. Don't worry. They've all been here before, I'm sure. They know what happens on a wedding night."

Men, I thought, could be so crass, even at this moment, even about something that was supposed to be one of the most special things in your life. The pain continued and overrode the pleasure for me, but I kept it all subdued, my eyes shut tight. My whole body was like a clenched fist.

"Relax, Mrs. Logan," Samuel chanted. "Relax and enjoy. I promise. It will get better and better," he said.

When he spent himself, he turned over and lay beside me, panting, his chest rising and falling.

"Good," he muttered. "Good."

I curled up and pulled the blanket closer to my face. Then I felt his hand on the small of my back.

"Are you all right, Mrs. Logan?"

"Yes. Just very tired," I said.

"Me too. Marriage," he declared with a laugh, "is more exhausting than I thought."

We were both silent for a while.

"Listen to the sound of the water against the hull," Samuel said. "Isn't that a sweet lullaby, Olivia?" "Yes."

The boat sliced through the water, cutting away the old world I had known and exposing the new. What sort of a journey had I begun? I wondered. I fell asleep dreaming I had taken the rudder and I was guiding the ship through the purple night. There was no one else on board. I thought I heard Belinda's silly laughter coming from the darkness and then Mother's singing off in the distance. I steered in her direction, but there was no one there. It grew even darker. The boat tossed and fell against the waves. There was a small light ahead. As I approached, it grew larger, brighter and soon became Nelson Childs' smile. I sailed right through him as if he were a ghost and then turned back frantically as he dwindled behind me and disappeared.

Ahead, there was only more darkness.

11

The Honeymoon's Over

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