"Well, Mrs. Clancy," Daddy said, looking back at her, "you don't have to wonder what my mother's priorities are here. House first, son second, maybe third or fourth. Don't mess anything up," he warned.
"We'll do just fine," Mrs. Clancy said, and continued to push him along.
"Are you hungry, Mr. March?" Nancy asked, stepping out of the kitchen. "I've got your favorite meat loaf sandwich ready."
"Just serve the crow my mother prepared," Daddy said, and Mrs. Clancy pushed him forward to his new sleeping quarters.
I looked at Grandmother Emma to set if she thought I should follow or what. She just shook her head.
"You can go back outside, Jordan," she told me. "It's too nice a day to waste in here under these clouds of self-pity."
I lowered my head and walked out,
disappointed. I knew Nancy had prepared Daddy's favorite cake, a flourless chocolate cake, for his dinner and I was hoping we would have a real "welcome home" celebration. I had fantasized every night for the last week about his being so happy to be home and to see me, he would let me wheel him about the grounds and we would talk about everything, especially Mama. He would fill me with confidence about her homecoming, too, and then we would talk about how we could bring Ian back so we would all be a family again.
Instead. Daddy was in his room, the room he hated, and I was outside, alone, sitting on one of the lawn benches, just staring at the house. I looked up at a flock of sparrows and recalled my conversation with Ian about the birds. Soon, their instinct would tell them to go south. I thought. Ian and I once saw a flock of geese going south.
The birds are luckier than we are. I decided. They know when to come and go.
I just sat there, not knowing whether I should go in or out of my house, even if I should try to talk to my own father. Why couldn't something just click inside me and take me through my whole life, helping me make all the right decisions and never any mistakes?
Ian would think that was silly. I was sure. Maybe. I would write him a letter. I thought. Yes, that would be wonderful. I could write him and he would write back to me. I would ask Grandmother Emma to send the letters to him. She shouldn't be upset about that. I could tell him all that was going on here and all about Mama. Otherwise, how would he ever know any of it? I couldn't wait to tell him about all I had already learned from Miss Harper's schoolbooks. That's it, I thought put a math problem at the end of each letter and show him how I solved it.
The idea gave me new energy and I went back inside and up to my room to begin.
That evening we had our first dinner with Daddy at the dining room table. The wheelchair fit well and he almost looked like his old self sitting at his place. He seemed a bit happier and enjoyed the way Nancy fawned over and around him, especially when she brought out the cake. He started to ask questions about everything, the supermarket. Mama, and finally Ian.
Grandmother Emma wouldn't discuss Ian in front of me. She made that clear. He didn't seem to care. He didn't care when she told him about the sale of the supermarket either. All he cared about now was watching sports on television. Mrs. Clancy let me push him in his wheelchair back to his room after dinner. He had his own television set there and didn't care to go to the living room.
"I wouldn't want to roll over one of my mother's precious Persian rugs," he said.
The chair and Daddy felt heavier than I had anticipated, but I kept it straight and didn't bang into any walls on the way to his room. When we got there, he told me where to place him and then I turned on the television set for him. He watched me as I moved about the room and then, he finally reached out to touch my hand and hold me for a moment.
"Thanks. Jordan," he said. "I know this isn't going to be any picnic for you either with your mother the way she is and your brother gone. I'm the child here now." He turned angry again and then he pulled me closer. I thought he wanted to kiss me, but he wanted to whisper something to me that neither Mrs. Clancy nor Grandmother Emma could hear. "You don't need this," he said. "Be smart. Stop taking your medicine and grow up fast and get the hell out."
His words were so shocking. I couldn't speak or move. I thought he would smile and laugh and say he was just kidding as he often did when he said something Mama thought was silly or bad, but he didn't smile. He stared hard at me and then he let go of my hand and flipped the channel selector until he found something he wanted to watch.
After that I could be there with him or not. It didn't make any difference.
I hurried out and up to my room, my heart thumping. Stop my medicine? Grow up fast? Where would I go? What did he mean? Mama is going t
o be angry he said all that. I thought. I probably should never tell her nor ever tell Grandmother Emma.
But I would tell Ian. I'd put it in my letter because, as always. he would know exactly what Daddy meant and what I should do and think about it. I sat at my desk and began.
.
Dear Ian,
I don't know where you are or when you are coming home. When?
I am writing you a letter to tell you Daddy came home today. He is in a wheelchair and Grandmother Emma has a nurse to help him. She is sleeping in my old bedroom. Her name is Mrs. Clancy. She is not pretty and I noticed she had little hairs over her upper lip like a mustache.
I have gone to see Mama twice. She is not any different because she did not say anything. She still moves her hand the way she did. I talked to her for a long time. I did not tell her that you were away.
I wish you were here to talk to me about the birds and everything. I wanted to tell you that Daddy just said a strange thing to me and I need you to tell me why.
He said I should stop taking my medicine. He said I should grow up fast and get out.