I stared at him and drank some more of my Coke. His eyes went from side to side and he fidgeted nervously.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“Nobody,” I replied.
“Nobody going nowhere?”
I dropped the air hose and walked closer to him.
“Thanks for the Coke,” I said, and kissed him quickly on the lips.
His eyes nearly exploded.
“Since I’m nobody and this is nowhere, that didn’t happen,” I said. I smiled and started out, but he reached for my arm and seized me at the elbow.
“What are you, crazy?” he asked. He pulled me closer. “You’re a tease.”
“Let go,” I said, but he held on and then he kissed me hard and moved his hands over my shoulders and down over my breasts. I squirmed until I broke loose.
He looked like he was going to come after me again, but a car pulled up to the pumps and he hesitated.
“Stick around,” he pleaded. “I’d like to talk to you.”
“Sure,” I said. “I bet you’d like to just talk.”
I left quickly, my heart pounding. What’s wrong with you, Teal? I asked myself. That was like playing with matches. You want to start another fire, one that can’t be put out with a sprinkler system?
I hated myself for being so self-destructive, so angry that I would take it out on myself. Maybe I needed to go back to the therapist. Maybe I should be on some kind of medication. Before I knew it, I was crying. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks as I thought about why lay ahead for me. At home it was all about Carson’s wedding. My mother had some purpose. And Del was filling himself with hope and treating our plans and dreams like children’s fantasies.
Why was it that I couldn’t hold on to anything, care about anything?
My father is right about me, I thought. He’s right to ignore me, to try to forget I exist. Maybe I could forget I exist.
I walked on and on. Cars whizzed by me, but I didn’t care. At one point a driver leaned on his horn because I had stepped too far into the road, but I didn’t move and he screamed something nasty at me as he went by. Finally, I reached a familiar shopping area and called myself a taxicab. It was getting very late in the afternoon, and I was sure Mother would be home by now and upset that I wasn’t. She was probably on pins and needles, hoping I would get there before my father.
The moment the taxicab turned into the driveway, I wished I hadn’t.
I wished I hadn’t come home at all.
There was a police car parked in front of the house, and without knowing why, I knew that it had something to do with me. I got out of the cab slowly and paid him. For a long moment, I just stood there, dreading going into the house. I even contemplated turning around and running off.
But to where?
Del wouldn’t want me, and as Carson said, I had no friends.
What difference did it make anyway? I thought. Even if I escaped from bad news here, it was sure to be waiting for me out there.
It was just part of who and what I was. Why that should be, I really didn’t know. All I knew was, it was true. Curses float around us and attach themselves to someone, I thought. It could be as simple as that. Born lucky, born rich, born poor, born sickly, whatever, it was just the way it was and would always be. Fighting it was futile.
Surrender, Teal, I told myself.
Give up.
Be who you are.
8
A Disaster Heading for Disaster