“How are you?”
“Why do you ask?” I said. I wasn’t in the mood to make anything easier for her or anyone else.
“I just thought . . . you’re sitting here alone and . . .”
I looked around the cafeteria. “I’m hardly alone.”
“You know what I mean. Look,” she said when I continued just to stare at her, “I know you’re going through a very bad time. I’ve tried to help you, offered to be with you. I don’t know what I’ve done to make you so angry at me. Maybe I don’t say the right things all the time, but I’m not trying to be mean to you or anything, and if you would . . .”
I was so unaware of my own reaction that I didn’t know for a moment why she had stopped talking. Now she was the one who was just staring. When the tears began to drop off my cheeks and chin, I finally realized that I was crying. As if I instinctively knew its significance, I glanced at the clock on the cafeteria wall. I would always remember this moment, exactly what time it had been. I stood up, scooped up my books, and walked out of the cafeteria.
Chastity didn’t call after me or follow. I had no idea where I was going, but when I made the turn and headed toward the main entrance of the school, I saw Roxy walking toward Dr. Sevenson’s office. She stopped when she saw me.
“M?”
She couldn’t believe I was there, either.
“Did Uncle Alain call the school or something?”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t move.
“Because we decided I would come here for you.”
I shook my head and backed away. “Go away,” I said.
“Don’t be difficult, M, not now.”
I kept shaking my head. I saw how much I was frightening her. She looked helpless.
“You need to come with me. Uncle Alain wants you to be with him. Mama was amazing. She had all her arrangements done behind our backs, all the phone numbers, all the people to contact. He’s at the house calling his sisters and—”
“I want to see Mama,” I said. “She wants me to visit her today, but I’m not waiting for the end of the school day. I hate the school day.”
“What? Aren’t you listening to me? Okay, okay,” she followed before I could speak. “Just come with me. Wait here a moment. I’ll tell them,” she said, and went into the office.
I was at the door when she came out, and without speaking, we headed for the front of the school, where she had a taxi waiting. The driver looked at me quickly and started away as soon as we had closed our doors. I saw the route we were taking. It was the way home.
“I want to go to the hospital,” I said.
“There’s no reason to go there now, M. She’s no longer in her room. You’ll see her afterward,” she said softly.
“But she has to be in her room. We were talking to her last night.”
“If you want to call it that,” Roxy said. “You certainly didn’t want her to be like she was much longer. It was horrible for her. It certainly wasn’t living.”
I was going to start shouting at her again. How dare she say such a terrible thing? Who did she think she was? Of course Mama was still in her room. She was waiting for me to visit after school. She wouldn’t die before I came to see her, would she? Stop saying that!
All of this came to mind, but I stopped myself before I voiced any of it. These were the thoughts of the young girl in me who wanted to scream at her, the young girl who had died with Mama, the one who believed in a world in which anything broken could be repaired, anything lost could be found, and anything wonderful could happen. Things that frightened her or made her unhappy could be driven away with a mother’s kiss or soft, soothing words. That young girl would not believe or accept such sadness and disappointment.
Instead, I continued to say nothing. We rode in silence, and when I got home, Uncle Alain greeted me with a tight, long hug. I held on to him as if I might sink through the floor if I didn’t. Finally, he kissed my cheek, and I released my hold on him.
“I spoke with your aunt Lucy and uncle Orman,” he said. “They’ll be here for the funeral. They want to take you back with them immediately afterward, Emmie. It makes the most sense.” He glanced at Roxy, who I was sure was nodding in agreement. “At least, until you’re old enough to be on your own. I owe it to your mother to make sure you’re taken care of.”
“It doesn’t look like I have much choice,” I said. “Whatever.”
He described the arrangements Mama had made for her own passing. I listened, but I didn’t really hear anything. I was suddenly very tired and felt as if everything inside me had collapsed or stopped working. Even my heart was on pause, my blood frozen in place. I said nothing about it, just that I was going up to my room to lie down. Roxy was leaving, and Uncle Alain returned to the phone to speak to our French relatives. I went up to my room and, no longer strong enough to cry, just fell asleep hugging myself.
Aunt Lucy arrived first. She and Uncle Orman were going to stay at the Plaza. He was coming the night before the funeral. She made a point of saying that it was all the time he could spare. Friends were calling all the next day. I spoke with Mama’s sisters in France, but they were not coming. Because of their own problems, it was just too difficult. I heard their excuses, their words of sympathy and sorrow, and thanked them.