"But..." "Either you want to know the truth or you don't. Phoebe, but you better not call me a liar and let the others believe it. Make up your mind." Gia's face was so close to mine. I could feel her breath. "Okay. I'll go with you."
In the back of my mind I thought that if we were caught. I would tell Dr. Foreman I was going to tell her what Gia wanted to do and went along because she was going to do it with or without me. It was a weak excuse that she would probably see right through, but it was all I could come up with quickly.
Hopefully, we would find an empty basement and that would end it.
Maybe Dr. Foreman would even congratulate me. Was I terrible in hoping for that, hoping for another reward, perhaps less work, sleeping in that comfortable bed in her house, and going to a school for modeling? Was it terrible to want things for yourself. even at the expense of the others?
Natani knew how to survive out there in the raw desert world. but I had to learn how to survive here and in the world I would eventually return to, for as Dr. Foreman had made clear. I had no one but myself now. I almost never did. That was true, but at least I had had a place to call home.
That was gone forever. I guess I really did have nowhere to run to.
Did any of us? Really?
I saw Gia was already dressed and waiting. Everyone has her own way to survive, I thought.
Maybe this was just hers and maybe I had no right to ruin that for her.
But one thing I had learned and learned painfully, choice was a Here we did what we were told or what was expected of us.
Now I was Dr. Foreman's little spy.
And I had almost nothing to do with the decision to be so.
10
Good-bye. Posy
.
When you grow up in a city where there are
always some lights on and almost always noise and traffic, your nervous system has a hard time adjusting to a world of pitch darkness and silence. For one thing, you suddenly realize the majestic starlight. Almost always, even during the short time I lived with Uncle Buster and Aunt Mae Louise in the suburban community of Stone Mountain. there were streetlights or other lights that washed out the stars and there was some traffic, people walking, music from cars.
Out here in the desert, especially late at night, the uninterrupted sky was peppered with pinholes of light, some of them so big and bright. I waited to see if they were planes. They weren't. They were simply unblocked. crystal-clear. dazzling beads of
illumination. I thought to myself that if I ever wondered how God could see so much. this could be the answer. The stars are His eyes and He has so many of them.
Here on the ranch, the darkness was so different from the darkness I had known in Atlanta. This darkness was like the darkness in a dream. All of the structures. even the hacienda. were now inky silhouettes. The stillness made me conscious of my heavier. anxious breathing and the crunch of our footsteps over the gravel as we walked toward the back of the big house. There wasn't a light on anywhere inside, which meant the buddies were asleep. too.
I looked toward Natani's hogan. He wasn't anywhere in sight. He could be outside, cloaked in a shadow. Most of the time, he was just there, appearing as if he formed out of thin air, walking so softly on those moccasins that even birds didn't realize he was atop them. However, this late I imagined he was within his little house, asleep on his blanket. Even the farm animals were deathly quiet. If they weren't asleep, they were like me, listening. I did think I heard a horse snort. It was probably Wind Song, I thought. He could sense that I was out here and he wanted to know why.
"Move it," Gia whispered, and beckoned for me to catch up with her.
Suddenly she turned and headed quickly toward the tool shack. "Where are we going?"
"I need something," she said. "You'll see."
When we reached the shack, she opened the door an inch at a time, moving the hinges as softly and as quietly as she could. Apparently, she knew exactly where what she wanted was located, because it was so dark inside. I couldn't tell a rake from a hoe. I was always thinking about snakes, although Natani had told me that snakes would look for a rock warmed by the day's sunshine and curl up on it at night. Gia didn't seem to have an ounce of fear about them. She was in and out quickly, a screwdriver in her hand.
She nodded toward the house again and we walked around the corner to the metal doors that opened on steps leading dawn to the door of the basement. When we were there, she indicated we should be as quiet as could be. My eyes were used to the darkness now, as were hers. Nevertheless, she surprised me by digging into her coverall pocket to produce a cigarette lighter.
"Where did you get that?" I whispered.
I could see her smiling. "I stole it from the buddies. When I was in there with Dr. Foreman one day, she left me alone and I wandered through, popped into the buddies' quarters, and found it on a desk. I got back to her office before she knew I had been about the house. I thought it would come in handy one of these days. It has.
-Here." She handed me the lighter. "Flick it on when I say. I just need to see where the hinges are screwed in. Go on, flick."
I did so and the small flame threw a lot more light on the doors than I thought it might. She started the screwdriver and had me turn off the light. I crouched and watched as she worked, moving with such care. I barely heard anything. She put each screw she took out into her pocket.