I gazed around the hogan and stared for a while at a feather he had on the wall. My eyes were like magnifying glasses because every part of the feather stood out, its shape, its color, its texture. Again I thought, how beautiful it is and how wonderful that I have made the discovery.
I felt myself smiling, and although I couldn't explain why it should be. I was content. happy. For a moment I thought of Natani's story and the rat's question to the tortoise: Why are you so content?
The drum stopped and Natani reached for my hand and guided me to my feet. Go look at the world you have come to hate."
I turned and stepped out of the hogan.
The darkness was lifting like a curtain. I looked at the hacienda, the horse barn, the pigpen, the barn in which we slept, and it all just seemed to come together, but in a lovely way. Each shape was unique and yet I could feel the way everything flowed into everything else and flowed into me.
Suddenly, I wanted to embrace all of it, the weeds that grew at the sides of the buildings, the railings on the hacienda, which were so amazing in the way they were the same and yet different, each with something unique about it that I had not seen before, the garden with plants that were like ocean waves in the breeze. I loved everything.
"What do you see?" Natani asked me.
"Everything." I held out my arm and I felt myself touch the railing, touch the weeds, touch the plants. I could reach the very stars that pulsated, each resembling a tiny heart beating. It made me spin around and laugh. "It's all beautiful!" I cried. Even the ground looked beautiful, spreading before me like a soft carpet, the grains of sand dazzling.
"If you see the world as it is, you will see you are a part of it and none of it will make you unhappy," he said. "The world itself is a great shell. There is no other to seek.
"First, be at peace with your surroundings. See how you are a part of all that there is and how all that there is becomes von. All else will follow, daughter of the sun. I have given you only a small window. You must understand how you should not hate the wind for being the wind or the sun for being the sun. Soon, you will not hate yourself for being who you are either. If you do this, you will need nothing more. You will find your way in and out of your shell and nothing will harm you."
A moment later he was gone. He had stepped back into his hogan.
I don't know how long I remained there looking at everything as if for the first time. I don't remember returning to the barn and getting back to my cot, but then I was there, and for a long moment I wondered if I had ever left the barn. Had it all been a dream?
I fell asleep and did dream. I saw my daddy beckoning to me. He wanted me to come with him, to go somewhere with him. I was very little. My hand was lost in his. He lifted me into his arms. I could feel him carrying me along. Where was he taking me? What did he want to show me?
Outside our window on a ledge, a sparrow had built a nest and the eggs had cracked open. Tiny baby birds were crying and their mother was rushing to and fro with insects for them to eat.
"They're like you." Daddy said. "This is your nest." I was fascinated.
I had forgotten that time, those birds. The way Daddy had held my hand and watched them with me. How could I have forgotten all that?
My daddy closed the window softly and carried me back to bed. where I fell asleep with a smile of contentment on my face that would make the desert rat and even the tortoise envious.
In the days following my visit to Natani's hogan. I wasn't able to tell anyone what he had taught me. I wasn't sure what it was myself exactly. All I knew was, whenever I felt overwhelmed, annoyed, or angry. I would stop, take a deep breath, and concentrate on something beautiful around me. The bad feeling would lose its grip on me, and after a while whatever it was that had caused it no longer seemed important.
The buddies. especially M'Lady One, took my behavior to mean I had lost all resistance and defiance. They had me where they wanted me. At least, that was what they believed. I could see it in their satisfied faces and even heard them say things like "I knew it was just a matter of time with her. They think they're all so tough until they get here."
Even hearing that sort of thins, didn't bother me. If it was so important to them to win, let them win, I thought. What was it they actually won anyway? I guess it was the satisfaction in knowing no one was better than they were, no one could resist and fight what they couldn't resist and fight. That made them comfortable with who and what they were now. Whether they were uncomfortable wasn't important. It was a waste of energy to hate them. Someday, they would be gone forever from my life.
None of the other girls seemed to have what I now had. especially Teal. Of all of us, even after what we had each experienced in one way or another. Teal was still the most impatient, upset, and annoyed. Being terrified of any new punishment kept her from being too loud or ever openly refusing to do anything. She never muttered anything within the hearing of any of the buddies and was always subdued and as submissive as a puppy
in Dr. Foreman's presence, but when she could, when it was safe, she moaned and groaned.
She hated the wind for what it was doing to her skin and she hated the sun for the same reasons. This was a filthy, dirty place. We were all going to die of some disease. We might as well just run off and die in the desert as she had almost died. What was the point of waiting for a release that would never come?
I was tempted to send her to Natani. I even started to talk to her about it, but she shook her head and said. "He's as crazy as the rest of them here. Why would he stay here? Why would anyone choose this place?"
It did no good to tell her that this was his world and he was happy in it. She could never understand how anyone would be happy in a world without television, movies, cars, parties, clothes, and jewelry.
Perhaps it was the rhythm of our lives here, the sameness of our chores, our schedule, the ordinary meals, the continuous schoolwork, and the dreaded therapy sessions with Dr. Foreman that tore at Teal more. but I could see she was growing worse with every passing day. Like Gia, she ate less and less. She was soon almost as thin as Mindy.
And she returned to her chant: "I'm going crazy here. I can't stand it much longer. I've got to get out of here. I've got to fry to escape again. Why would those damn buddies enjoy this? Why did they come back? If I ever got the opportunity to get away, you wouldn't see me within a hundred miles of this place."
She recited it all one morning when it was just she, Robin, and me out there working in the garden. Mindy and Gia had been given orders to straighten up and clean out the shed.
"It could be they're having more fun than we think." Robin offered. "And I don't mean just tormenting and lording it over us. Remember what Gia and Mindy told us about spying on their partying."
Teal nodded. "Yes, at least they have that. don't they? Why don't we spy on them one night, too, and see just what it is they do have?"