"You're doing really well, Zipporah," Karen told me after I hung up. "I'm proud of you. I just knew you'd be the right person to invest my hope and trust in. I'm so lucky to have you as a friend," she told me, and I felt the tears come to my eyes.
"I'm lucky to have you, too," I said.
"Even after all the trouble I've made for you?" "That's when friends are most important."
She smiled. "You know what I like about you the most?"
I shook my head, but I was eager to hear.
"I like your optimism You don't know it, but the truth is, I wish all the time that I could be more like you. You really believe
good things are going to happen. That's nice. Your days will be full of joy, I'm sure."
Now, she looked as if she was the one who would soon cry.
"I want you to be happy and safe, too, Karen. My days won't be full of joy if you're not."
"Thanks. All this has made us closer, but I still feel bad that you're doing so much for me. That's why I want so much for things to go well for you tonight. We've been teenagers together, and now we're going to be young women together. Imagine We'll be sharing the same guy. We'll compare real notes later, so don't keep your eyes closed the whole time," she said, laughing.
Sharing the same guy, I thought, and
remembered what Jesse had told me on the phone about the dangers of two girlfriends having the same guy. It couldn't be good. If Dana liked me more after this, she wouldn't be happy, and if I was a failure in his eyes compared to Karen, I wouldn't be happy. Jesse was right, I thought, but there was no turning back now.
At dinner, I thought we'd continue to talk about my rendezvous with Dana Martin, but she wanted to hear more about school and especially the other girls. When I spoke about our classes and teachers, there were some moments when Karen looked as if she really missed everything. She talked about the teachers she liked. She spoke in the past tense, as if she were already long gone.
Both of us watched the clock. I thought I should leave when it was just a little past seven, but she told me to wait a little longer.
"It's better if he thinks you might not come. Show him you're not dying to be with him."
I couldn't stop having the feeling I had swallowed a hive of bees. Finally, she turned to me and said, "Okay, you should set out. I'm sure he'll be there waiting."
She followed me out in the darkness to get my bike.
"Good luck," she said. "I know it's going to be
wonderful." -I started away and stopped to look back at her.' Was Dana Martin your first, too?" I asked her. "No, Zipporah, Harry was my first, and it wasn't very nice, remember? Remember I told you I went with Dana to feel good about myself again? You don't have that problem. This is just going to be a special experience for you. You don't have the baggage I had. You don't hate yourself."
I stared at her. I never thought of her as someone who hated herself. Why should she? "You shouldn't hate yourself," I said.
"Let's not talk about me. It's hard for you to understand, I'm sure. You're a lot luckier than me. You've always been," she said.
I think she realized the way she sounded, the
resonant note of bitterness under her words, because
she quickly added, "But I'm happy for you. I really
am. I'm happy for us both!" she said.
I nodded and started away.
"Don't you see? This really is like my first time,
too. So don't let me down," she cried, as I rolled down
the driveway. "You look like me in my skirt!" she
shouted.