"The alternative," my Great-uncle Richard told her in a gruff voice, "is not very appealing."
She changed the subject and talked about a new restaurant Lord and Lady Batten had discovered. All Great-uncle Richard had to do was suggest his disapproval of a topic and she retreated. Was there ever any real love and passion between these two? I wondered, or had all of it died with their little girl years and years ago? Should I pity them or ignore them? I wondered.
Saturday afternoon, I went to Randall's dorm to work on my part with him. I had already memorized the lines and practiced reciting them in my room at Endfield Place. Our plan was to work for a few hours and then go to Piccadilly Circus.
"There's a great pedestrian area. We'll see all the shops, clubs, theaters, as well as the most visited museum, Guinness World of Records. I'll show you Her Majesty's Theatre and the Royal Haymarket Theatre. We can go to a production at one of them next weekend, if you like."
He talked so fast and so excitedly, rushing about his room to find magazines and brochures with pictures to show me, Suddenly, he paused and looked at me as if he just realized I was in the room, too.
"You look upset today. What's wrong?" he asked.
Beni used to tell me I was a poor liar because my face was like one of those one-way mirrors. Everyone could look in and see what I was thinking or what I felt and believed, and I never knew how much I was exposing to the world.
"You might as well walk around naked, Rain," she used to say.
"Maybe I'm not so good an actor after all, Randall," I said and flopped facedown on his bed.
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked.
I rested my forehead on my arms and closed my eyes. If I pressed them shut hard enough, could I lock out the world? Could I wish and wish and put myself back in time? How I missed Mama and Roy and even my troublesome sister, Beni.
Randall put his hand on my shoulder and sat beside me.
I thought hard about myself. Carrying lies was too burdensome. The weight of deception turned my heart into a lump of lead in' my chest. How wonderful it must be to not have to worry about every word you said, not have to be terrified that you will reveal something, that you might accidentally speak the truth.
"The people I'm living with, Mr. Endfield in particular, had my room searched yesterday," I told Randall bitterly. "He had his man Boggs go through my clothing, my bags, even my undergarments!"
"Why?"
"He received a letter from his wife's niece accusing me of stealing a diamond brooch from her mother before I left for England," I said.
Randall didn't say anything. I turned over and looked up at him.
"I'm no thief, Randall."
"I know?' he said. "I was just thinking how horrible it must be for you living with someone who thinks you might be;' he said. He really looked like he was thinking that. In fact, he looked like he might cry for me. "Maybe, you should move into the dorm. There's another room available."
"No, there's no money for that, Randall. I'm all right. I let him know how I felt about it and I think he regrets it," I said.
"He should," he said angrily. His beautiful eyes grew even more striking when they filled with anger.
I smiled at him and he looked confused. Then he smiled back and lowered his face until his lips could reach mine. We kissed softly. He lifted his head and looked into my eyes.
"You're beautiful, Rain," he said. "You make me think of a rich, mocha sundae."
I started to laugh and he kissed me again, harder, longer. I reached up and put my hand on the back of his neck and held him. I felt his hand move up the right side of my body to my breast. He sprawled out next to me and moved his lips to my chin and my neck. When his fingers fumbled with the buttons of my blouse, I put my hand on his wrist and pulled back.
"This isn't helping me prepare for the dramatic recitation," I said smiling.
"Yes, it is," he insisted. "Like Catherine and Leslie say, you've got to experience it all to be a wellrounded performer?'
"That sounds more like the argument for lovemaking a boy would use," I told him, but I kissed the tip of his nose and he kissed me again.
Maybe I was just tired of being sad and angry, or maybe I felt stronger about Randall than I had anticipated, but suddenly, I wanted to give in, to abandon all defenses, to drop my arms and turn my head and moan and let him peel off my clothing, kissing every uncovered place until I was naked. He stood up and took off his own clothes quickly.
The taste of his lips on mine, the way he stirred me inside, the swirling in my head were all so wonderful, I did feel that for a few moments anyway, I was escaping all the darkness and deceit. I was someplace else where honest feelings were all that mattered, where words were molded by the rhythms in my heart and not by the workings of my mind.
"We've got to be careful," I whispered into his ear when I felt him shifting his hips to find a comfortable position so that he could bring us together as intimately as any two people could be. "Don't you have protection?"