Rain (Hudson 1)

"What would we have done if he hadn't come along, Beni?"

"Oh, nothing would have happened," she insisted. Her expression changed, her lips tightening. "You better not back out of helping me with Mama because of this, Rain. You just better not."

"It doesn't frighten you, what just happened and what could happen?" I asked.

She forced a firm face.

"No," she said.

I continued up the stairs thinking Beni was right to wonder how we could be so different living under the same roof.

As it turned out, we weren't so different after all, but that was a discovery Beni would make for herself. That night Beni made her plea to Mama, asking her to let her go to Alicia's and sleep over Friday night.

"Who all's going to be there?" Mama asked quickly. "Just me and my girlfriends," Beni said. "Can't girls get together and have some fun?"

Mama's eyes were two dark slices of suspicion, especially when Beni shifted hers guiltily away. Mama turned to me.

"That true, Rain?"

"She's been talking about going there all week, Mama," I said, avoiding the question.

"How have your grades been this week?"

"I didn't fail anything," Beni said. She hadn't done especially well in anything, either.

"Which one's Alicia? She the girl whose mother was arrested for being drunk in the movies?" Mama asked.

"No," Beni said. Mama looked at me again, but I really didn't know about that, so I just shook my head.

"We're all going right after school so we'll be there before it gets dark," Beni continued.

"You ain't going anywhere but her house?"

"That's all, Mama. We're going to chip in and order pizza and listen to music. Can I go?" She held her breath.

Mama hesitated. Giving Beni or me permission to do anything at night was a burden to her. I could almost see the turmoil going on in her heart, the fear closing in like a fast thunderstorm. She didn't want to be a monster to her children, but she was so worried for us. Beni couldn't appreciate that now. She was interested only in her own pleasure.

"You better not go to any hip-hop joint after," Mama warned as a way of saying yes. Beni started to swear on a stack of Bibles, but Mama wouldn't listen.

"Just look me in the face and tell me you're not going, Beni Arnold, and that's all I want. I want my children to be honest with me and never lie to me, understand?"

"Yes, Mama."

"When you start lying to your own, you're losing the battle with the devil. Just remember that and carry it with you whenever those other girls try to get you to do something you know I wouldn't want you to do," she told her. "I was your age and I made lots of mistakes, Beni. I know what it's like having all your friends urging you to do what they want to do."

"Oh, Mama," she moaned.

"Oh. Mama, oh, Mama." Mama sighed deeply, her shoulders crumbling under the weight of her worry. Ken hadn't called or returned since he had walked out and the pressures were building on our little world. We were all in a small boat, being tossed and bounced on a sea of trouble.

"All right," she said, "but don't make me sorry."

When Roy came home, he was angry that Mama had given Beni permission to go to the party. He turned to me.

"You aren't going, too?" he asked.

"It's just Beni's friends," I explained.

"Yeah, I seen some of her friends," he quipped and I had to look away or he would instantly know what I knew. For the moment I thought it would be worse to betray Beni than to tell him the truth.